MOMMY!

[sunshine_queen]

ETA: I need a new layout, stat.

Okay. So, I remain completely unspoiled for tonight's episode except for the fact that:

- MOMMY! IS! COMING! HOME!
- and Vaughn proposes.

... but that's really secondary to MOMMY COMING HOME, now isn't it?

Whatever. 29 minutes to go, and I'm getting the old thrill I used to get last season, when loving Alias was new and special. Just ask Jess, she witnessed one of my frenzies.

Ee! I'm giddy!

I think Lost is all about Rambaldi.

So, um, a guy gets killed and Burt Reynolds goes into the Big Rambo Museum. He steals some pretty stuff.

Syd goes home, and Sonia Braga is leaving. Where were you last week, Sonia? Whatever. She's going home to Lisbon, que sad. She loooooves Nadia.

Vaughn is suddenly nervous and needs to ask Jack something. I immediately start screaming that VAUGHN IS GOING TO ASK DADDY'S PERMISSION TO MARRY SYD. He totally does, and Daddy totally shoots him down, but then that nasty Director Chase comes in and starts yelling at people.

BTW? Weiss's grandpa is dead- whatever- and Marshall is all into Vaughn's business.

Cut to Agent Chase being a bitch at Syd's house. Nadia's in the shower, and they barge on in because Sonia messed around on her laptop and it got traced to her. Meanwhile, they did around Syd's apartment and find all these hidden knives and guns. ROCK ON, SYD.

They question Nadia, but eventually find The Evil Medallion. The Spy Daddies come and start asking questions, eventually figuring out that Elena=Sonia.

And she stole all the Rambo shit.

Nadia, who hasn't been on this show long, looks all betrayed that her caregiver has been lying to her all this time. Yes, cry me a river, you pretty little thing.

Sloane's all, all must die. GRRR.

 

[commies]

ISA ROSSELLINI, SONIA AND LENA? AIEEEEEE

RIght, Nadia takes full responsibility for Sonia. Sloane chats about this dude, Lazslo something-or-other.

We cut back to Sloane And Nadia's Excellent Adventure in China and Siena from last year, after which they parted on bad terms. They go to China and talk to Lazslo, and he's all, ahh! Nadia! She's like, my goddess! Sweeeeeet! And how she knows all and sees all and whatever. Sloane wants something, but as he has no artefacts on his person, Lazslo says no deal. And he waaaay digs Nadia. Sloane's all, she's my daughter, sicko, hands off. Nadia = Virgin Mary. Ew.

In the Temple of Doom, they go down to this Rambo Cavern of glass. Nadia makes it over to the pretty box we saw earlier, and touches it. It's evil. She refuses. SloDaddy yells at her, Nadia pleads.

Sloane goes to get it, falls through the glass. Because, duuuuuh. Nadia is very pretty when she's sad about people lying.

Nadia saves him because she rocks. Sloane is SO SOFT. Daddy wouldn't have cried.

Whatever.

[commies]

SLOANE IS IN SO MUCH TROUBLE.

Whatever, they mission about the Lazslo guy and getting Rambo stuff. Nadia and Sloane aren't allowed, so Syd goes to Cannes to meet the guy who's bankrolling Laszlo. Or something. I don't know. Nadia sits next to Daddy. DADDY.

And Director Chase scares the crap out of me.

Anyway, Syd does what I love best: dolls herself up, acts spoiled, and flirts. She has a <o> tattoo, so does he. It's lust at first sight. She gets him into the bedroom with promises, and gets the info. I love when she gets pretty and dresses in fur and does missions. Do it more, Syd! More!

Vaughn is sad. He wants to propose. :-(

Nadia is sad. She's been betrayed. Marshall tries to help by saying how stupid he felt when he found out Sloane was evil. Poor Nadia is my default saying this episode.

Sloane flies a little gay plane to Mexico to meet Syd. They find Lazslo, but he's way dead. Sonia killed him. They find a video of this to confirm it. And then Sloane tasers Syd in the neck with an apology and all I can think it, OH MY GOD, SLOANE IS IN SO MUCH TROUBLE! SO MUCH TROUBLE.

I keep seeing Syd in trouble and thinking, she's pregnant! No!

[commies.]

Ooh, news flash. Sloane is evil. Pass it on.

Okay, so, Syd's all, Daddy, Sloane tasered me, son of a bitch. Daddy's all, are you okay? and she's like, NO, I'm PISSED. Whatever. She gets the idea that Daddy can get info from Auntie Kay.

Meanwhile, Dixon and Chase have hugs and kisses in a hallway. Yes, it freaked me out.

SpyDaddy goes and Auntie Kay flirts with him like whoa. Like, it's crazy. She was totally Derevko. Turns out Sonia was the head of the Covenant, which puts a whole new spin on the Julia Thorne story, if we ever return to it. Anyway, Auntie Kay says the only one who knew how to stop Sonia was Irina, but since she's dead, Daddy is shit out of luck. She sympathasizes amusingly with Daddy and talks about them having sex. Ew.

Sloane goes to visit Sonia. He wants to help her. You mean he's evil and still into Rambaldi? Our Arvin? Noooo! I might actually die of shock!

Who cares, SpyMommy will be back in, like, ten minutes. Whatever.

[commies]

MOMMY LIVES!

AIEEE!

So, Dixon gets shot. SHOT. By what's her name, Sonia. Evil. He thinks he sees Irina at Sonia's compound before he got shot. Whatever.

 

And yeah. I had to run back because they had 20 straight minutes. Um, long story short, when Daddy saw Mommy in Vienna I nearly lost my voice screaming, but she wore a weird orchid in her hair and was very, very affectionate. Um, yeah. We're thinking Mommy's a double.

Nadia finds out that Jack "killed" Mommy.

Weiss shows up! I'm actually excited. He acts like a girl about Vaughn's ring.

Um, the big red ball is in Moscow with Sonia and Sloane.

Um. A lot of other shit happened. However, I can't recall them all. Suffice to say, MOMMY! SHOWED! UP!

I can die happy.

[Commies]

Okay, so, Vaughn almost proposes, but can't, because, like always, they get interrupted. It doesn't matter, because they go to Ibiza to be an adorable couple. Vaughn talks about how Syd keeps him sane in their crazy world of Giant Red Balls, not-dead people, and where he goes on missions to save the woman who killed his father. Whatever. It's fun.

I mean, the way they were holding hands, and walking together- it was outright adorable. They discussed who was going to be rough, and Vaughn said Syd was always rough. Surprised, Syd asks if he means at home or where, because if she's rough it's because he likes it- and then, horrified, she asks if they're on comms.

Jack, looking ill, retorts that, YES, they're on comms.

Whatever. They make out a lot and lure Burt Reynolds into a bathroom. Syd gives him a lot of swirlies and they talk about the end of the world, but long story short? IRINA IS SOOOOOO ALIVE AND WHAT HAVE I BEEN SAYING ALL ALONG? THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES!

Syd looks kinda ill.

[Commies]

Yeah, I don't know. Irina's been moved to Guatemala, and it's all exciting, and whatever, so Syd and Daddy and Nadia go. Nadia's all, I want to be the one to tell Mommy who I am. Syd's all, you go for it. Daddy waits.

Nadia brought Irina-clothes so she'll be comfortable later, bless her heart.

Irina's hidden in the ruins of Guatemalans. Whatever.

It takes them forever to get there, but finally they do. She's underground, curled up like a little baby rabbit.

"Mom?" Sydney quivers. Mommy looks up.

Madi screams in utter joy.

[commies]

Ay. Again, there are no words. Lena Olin DOMINATES the acting world. She is amazing. And Mommy is way mad at Daddy.

The Derevko girls kick ass and are strong. Nadia touches her Mommy for the first time. Mommy slugs Daddy 'cause she totally knows what he did.

They get on a plane. Mommy rocks the jungle mussed look. She and Sydney bond and chat, but she doesn't want to be touched.

Anyway, Elena's a really bad sister, tortured Mommy for forever. Mommy's very upset still. SHE CRIED.

Eventually, she wants to clean up. Nadia hands her the backpack of clothes she packed, kinda trailing off, in awe of her amazing, poor, gorgeous Mother.

Irina, like I knew she would, turns, and in the most amazing moment, just... totally has the biggest epiphany and knows that Nadia is her long-lost baby. It is everything I'd hoped that moment woule be.

"Oh, sweetheart," Mommy breathes, and don't you believe all is right in the world, despite of those big red balls? Because I do.

[ commies ]

I really hate Director Chase. She's a bitch. She finds out that Daddy rescued Irina with the girls and flips out, saying the plane must land and Irina has to be arrested.

Irina is all chill. In fact, after that scary Elena captivity, her nice, open, airy glass box at the Ops Center will be a super nice change!

Syd goes in and bitches at Chase, who is just mean and nasty and SCARY AS ALL HELL. AHHHH. Finally, she ends by saying that Chase sucks because she allowed Sloane to head APO and look at him now, and they all trusted Chase, so now Chase has to trust Syd.

Enter Irina into APO. She looks absolutely stunning. Daddy stands at the end of the hall. Mommy is uncuffed. "Come with me." Daddy says. And Irina does.

How does that woman manage to look so hot at 49? HOW?

[commies]

Oh, that was great.

Daddy makes Mommy sign something that says she'll go back to prison when it's over. She says that while she understands what Daddy did, she would've found another way (Because she loves Daddy too much to kill him.) Daddy says that not a day went by when he didn't regret "killing" her (because he loves her.) Right. They have the best relationship ever.

Daddy mentions Nadia is "exceptional." Irina "wonders where she got that from."

RE: NADIA IS SO DADDY'S DAUGHTER.

Okay. So, Irina is nice to her daughter, Nadia wants to spend time with her.

Vaughn decides that since they might die, he's gonna propose. And he does, beautifully, wonderfully, and it's so sweet, because he means it and he watches her while she sleeps and he is so lucky to have her and he wanted to do it on the beach but he wants to do it before they die.

Syd's all, we're gonna make it out of here- you ask me on the beach. And they kiss a few times.

Then she looks to Daddy for permission. And he smiles, giving it.

And then they jump into the next episode.