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sunshine_queen) wrote2010-08-26 02:15 am
sunshine_queen) wrote2010-08-26 02:15 am
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Madi watches bad films so you don't have to, episode II: Open House
OPEN HOUSE. I'm pretty sure this is going to be the greatest movie ever. THE GREATEST.
Well. The DVD menu is made of lulz, but I don't think it's intentional. Also, there is a very real chance that I am going to be scared out of my mind watching this, regardless of the hilarity, because I am scared by everything.
Also, apparently TV Cher used to be married to Beel! And she's friends with Sookie. TV Cher is trying to be upbeat about her divorce and trying to sell her house! Sookie looks adorable, TV Cher looks kind of awful. Her name is Alice, so let's call her that.
BTW, some dude is in Alice's house. He snuck in when the realtor was showing the house. The realtor saw some random dude walk in and like, didn't ever see him again, and he thought, that's cool, so we all know he's lurking in the house. I think he's Tricia's boyfriend.
Alice falls asleep, and wakes up all, Sookie? Where are you? And she's walking all over the house in the dark, looking for Sookie, and I'm totally terrified because THERE IS A DUDE IN YOUR HOUSE AND ALSO SOOKIE IS PROBABLY DEAD!!! Instead of finding dead Sookie, she finds the faucet in a bathroom running. IT IS ALL VERY ALARMING. (I don't know why she isn't turning on every light in the house. I would have.)
Alice is all SOOKIE THIS BETTER NOT BE A JOKE and goes down into the basement, still calling for Sookie. She is dead in some backroom of the basement. Alice screams, and backs up, into this dark abyss where a pair of arms presumably belonging to Tricia's boyfriend grabs her. We're off to a great start!
Alice wakes up all gagged. She's in the crawl space... under the basement? Those exist? That seems a bit excessive. She hears footsteps. Oh, no, she's in the creepy closet/room thing. Tricia's boyfriend, who looks like he was in the beer garden scene of Cabaret singing "Tomorrow Belongs to Me" except he has blood on his face injects her with something, much to Alice's dismay. I want to know why her basement has all these weird compartments, though I guess maybe all basements are like that? I haven't seen too many.
Car pulls up to Alice's house, and a fabulous pair of legs emerge. IT IS TRICIA, LOOKING SPECTACULAR AS ALWAYS. She's wearing this orangey red dress and her hair is fantastic and her boyfriend lets her in. The boyfriend trails behind her and says nothing, which is weird. Tricia surveys the house and proclaims it 'perfect' and 'home.' Boyfriend doesn't even react. WHAT IS HIS DEAL.
Vampire Beel is back! He's calling Alice to say he wants to stop by and get his golf clubs and also look at the hot tub? Whatever. In the basement, Alice is unconscious. Fortunately for Beel, Tricia is in the hot tub, and she looks just lovely. Beel's accent when he is not a southern gentleman is rather delightful.
He is, however, not immune to Tricia, whose name in this is Lila, and he fills her wine glass. Then he's all, I have to go, but if you see Alice, could you tell her I stopped by? UM, YOU THINK SHE IS STAYING WITH YOUR EX, YOU SHOULD ASSUME SHE'LL SEE HER. I shouldn't be so worked up over that one sentence but I am. Also, where is Lila's boyfriend?
As he's leaving, Lila is like Can I ask you something personal? Beel is all, um... because he has a healthy respect for the fact that SHE IS A STRANGER AND IN YOUR FORMER HOME BY HERSELF. She's all cute and pretty and all, I'm trying to decide if I should tell you something about Alice, but I need to know something personal about you first. And then she's all, SO WHAT ARE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS FOR ALICE?
I don't know why she'd ask that.
Beel is like, um, well, I care for her... but I'm not in love with her anymore. Lila is watching him very intently, it's kind of cute. You know. If you get past what we know about her. For exposition's sake, she asks what happens, and Beel replies that their love faded, and that's why they broke up. Lila nods sympathetically, and then Beel is like, so, um whyDON'T YOU KNOW THIS IF YOU'RE PRESUMABLY ALICE'S FRIEND did you ask me that? Lila's all, LOL have some wine and relax! One glass won't kill you, which, anvils, anvils. Drawn in by her prettiness, Beel agrees,
Upstairs, Lila's Aryan boyfriend sets up a camera. Oh, gross.
Beel tells Lila he thinks she's messing with him. SHE IS. WHY ARE YOU THERE? I have no sympathy for people who are fools, Vampire Beel. Instead of saying that she isn't, Lila's like WELL WHAT IF I AM? Instead of being all, "okay, laterz!" Beel lets Lila ask him if he's met anyone new. Dude. Get out. Beel's all, no one serious- WHY? HAS ALICE? And Lila giggles, "No... Maaaybe..." and is generally adorable. I shouldn't find her so delightful.
Beel asks Lila if she's with anyone and when she replies that he is, Beel asks how she makes it work. "We have an open relationship," Lila smolders, and Beel is like, MADAM THAT IS HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE FOR A WOMAN OF YOUR CALIBRE.
No, actually, he's like, "Really?" and the music gets super intense because, as always, the strings can smell danger. They talk about how it works and Lila's all, well, it's scary at first, admitting that you have other desires to the person that "most completes you." (Note: I am so charmed by that turn of phrase I can't even deal with it.) But whatever, doing that kind of thing brings you closer together, whatever. Tricia is selling the hell out of this, but even she is having a hard time masking that this is crap.
They had been sitting kitty corner across from one another in the hot tub, but once Lila comes over, Beel is like ABORT ABORT MUST GO and I can't tell if it's because he can see her crazy eyes, or if he's realizing how weird this is, or if he's... scared he'll do something with Alice's friend, but he readjusts angled away from her. He asks what she has to tell him about Alice, and she says she'll tell him on one condition: he has to get in the water.
LOL, says Vampire Beel, I can't do that, Alice will come back and kill me! Lila's like, she won't come back! You're totally fine! BTW I'm totally housesitting. Which, sure. Alice doesn't say she's going out of town, and asks a friend you've never met to watch the house. This is not bizarre at all!
Lila splashes Beel, using the whole "well, now you're wet so you might as well come in" tactic, and is all flirty and pretty, and then she starts macking on Beel. Nazi Boyfriend sees this start, leaves the camera angled on the hot tub, and leaves. Meanwhile, in the basement, Alice can... sense something is afoot?
Beel is now totally in the tub, and Lila on his lap, and they're making out, because... well, he's no fool. Then he's all "maybe we shouldn't" and Lila's like "then stop" but starts moving all sexily and he starts kissing her neck and they are grinding up on one another and the music is freaking the fuck out. It's really distracting.
Nazi boyfriend is in the kitchen. He grabs a knife. By this point, Lila and Beel are totally having sex, which, oh damn. Boyfriend walks right on over and hands Lila a knife. Lila totally stabs Beel right in the juncture of his neck and shoulder. He falls into the hot tub, bleeding and shit, and Lila climbs out like ain't no thang. She walks right past Nazi boyfriend, holding her knife, and Nazi boyfriend doesn't react. I'm not sure if the actor is just incredibly feeble, or if we're supposed to believe he isn't into this, or if we're supposed to believe that he is so bananas that he can't talk.
He drags vampire Beel down to the basement. We can see Alice crying, though that's just at her own poor luck and Sookie's demise. From upstairs, Lila calls "Daaavid?" so I guess that's Nazi boy's name. Shot of Lila covered in blood and looking annoyed, but very beautiful. I think we're supposed to believe that when David stopped and looked towards Alice's hideyhole (because she was crying?) Lila didn't like it? I have no idea. David goes into a back room, where Alice found Sookie, I believe, and shuts the door. To cut Beel up into little pieces? I have no idea.
Upstairs, Lila, still covered in blood, gets herself a glass of water. We hear sounds of a buzz saw, OH MY GOD HE IS CUTTING BEEL UP EW EW EW. Lila just looks gorgeous, staring into the distance.
They eat dinner at the table. "It's so quiet here," remarks Lila amiably, "I can't wait to meet the neighbors." So they'll talk to you? Because David doesn't talk? WHAT IS HIS DAMAGE. Also, I hope they're not eating Beel.
CLOSE UP ON ROUGH-HEWN HOLE IN WALL.I think we're meant to believe it's a heating grate or something. Of course, Alice can hear everything, like Lila saying how fun today was. "After dinner," Lila asks, a sparkle in her eye, "will you set up the video?" Ohhh gross, are they going to have sex to that? Ew. David nods. So there is some kind of brain function going on in there. Alice is just like, wtf, down in the basement.
Lila preens in the bathroom, looking adorable in little lacey shorts. "She had good taste," Lila remarks. David, as always, is silent. He is setting up the video, as instructed. She then says it's been a pretty long day, so David turns to walk out without looking at her. "David? You're happy I'm back, right?"
David is like, ... ... ... and then Lila says goodnight and David FINALLY SPEAKS! He says: Goodnight, Lila.
Okay, so, this movie might be absurd, but I am totally intrigued. Where did Lila go? And how did these two freaking meet? And what is their deal! And why is David so spooky?
In the dark, David is sitting on the couch. He watches some home videos Alice and Beel made. They're kissing and toasting their new home but it's like, really awkward that they filmed this.
Alice, in the basement, hears Lila calling out goodbye and see you tonight, and then she drives away. Um, does she have an office job? I sure hope so. This would be some "the stranger beside me" shit. David watches her leave, goes to the kitchen, gets a knife, and then goes to the basement. Looks like Alice is in for a great day! (I really hope this doesn't get super gory.)
Alice looks to be in remarkably good condition two days later. David cuts off her gag, so of course she starts to scream and beg and David is just... staring. Until finally he says that no one can hear her, which is the worst thing to hear, ever.
Next we see him getting out some chains or something, but then he's taken Alice upstairs and is like, giving her a drink. He then informs her that if "she" finds out that Alice is still alive, she'll kill her. LILA HAS STANDARDS, OKAY? LOL, so then David is like ... ... ... I have to work.
Cut to David sitting at the head of the table on his laptop, Alice at the other, just sitting. He offers her something to read, she says she needs to go to the bathroom. This goes about as well as you might expect- the closes the door, knocks things down to block it, and starts screaming out the window. David clearly did not expect this, and reacts as such, looking panicked and... running away? Then Alice runs to another door, finds it... locked from the inside? And decides to run back to the bathroom. And then somehow makes it to the front door? Screams out of it, but then David grabs her before she can say much.
Cut to shot of Bugs Bunny on the TV. Alice and David are seated at opposite ends of the sofa, and Alice is regagged and tied up. Bugs, in poor taste, is laughing about murder. David turns it off, says "She'll be home soon," and then... scoots over next to Alice. And unties her gag again? Didn't we learn? David says "This is out secret," and then we cut to him cooking asparagus. And setting the table. I assume Alice is back in the basement. He then sits to wait at the table like a good boy.
Lila comes home! She is giggling and looks spectacular, as always. David is remarkably chatty, though it appears Lila is later than normal. David asks if she already ate and Lila is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! I am always surprised when Tricia curses. Apparently she met a friend for a drink. Alice listens with interest.
Dinner in silence. Lila apologizes for yelling, saying she doesn't want to yell, but that David suffocates her. He apologizes. Lila's all, "I can't be the only one who changes," and David agrees. I'm picturing them being this murdering couple before, but I can't really see how they'd behave differently.
Daytime, the next day? Lila prances down the stairs with a laundry basket, and makes towards the basement door. David jumps up all, LILA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? and she's like, laundry? He offers to do it and she says, in this adorable tone, that she wants to. He starts flailing that he'll do it, and just as I'm wondering if this is something that made them break up before, Lila says that she's "trying." Clearly it's important to their relationship that she does this laundry. David lurks at the top of the stairs, clearly all OMG SHE IS GOING TO FIND ALICE and Lila is like I KNOW HOW TO DO LAUNDRY, DAVID! and he walks away and goes to find a knife. Uh oh.
Lila is having trouble with the stupid machine and starts hitting it. So, she clearly has more issues than previously realized. Lila, calm down and read it. She does, and the laundry starts, and she prances up the stairs. And David doesn't have to stab anyone.
Another day. Alice is upstairs, tied up. David serves her a sandwich without the crust. Alice tries to make him see her as a person, and David's like, yeah, I know what you're doing. Also, if this is going to work, we need to be honest with one another. In my opinion, he is echoing what someone- say, Lila?- said to him. Alice asks why they're doing this, and David doesn't answer. Duh.
Someone knocks on the door and then... opens the door. Oh, clearly it's a cleaning crew. Ruh roh. Alice is left alone to tell them to leave, but still writes them a check. On the check it says "call police." The dude of the cleaning crew is like ohhhh shit, because after seeing two sandwiches, he was like, ooh, Miss Alice is having a man visitor. Unfortunately for everyone, it takes them too long to leave, and David barrels out and starts stabbing the cleaning dude. David is very upset that Alice lied to him, so after cutting the woman's throat, he takes off his belt and starts beating Alice, all the while yelling at her "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO." He is like Lila's little clone. David feels bad for making Alice cry, but he locks her up just the same.
Lila is happily trying on Alice's clothes, and coos at David, "She must've been your type," and asking how Alice did her hair. She asks if her ass is nicer than Alice's was, and goes over to him, and David is unable to deal with such conversation and leaves. Lila is like YOU ARE SUCH A PRUDE and then giggles to herself. She is crazy as the day is long, but really cute! Then she gets sad face, like she's hurt that David didn't say her ass was nicer, before going right back to being delighted at her new clothes. Oh Tricia. You're so talented.
Downstairs, David is on his computer. Lila prances over- I am using that word a lot, but that's what she does- and says she wants to play- then she wants to see what he's writing, but mostly she wants to play. She makes pouty faces and pleads cutely and is generally adorable. David, who is clearly not made of stone though he acts like it around her, shuts his laptop. Lila skips off merrily to turn on some music and then asks David to dance with her. They're dancing and it's... not cute. She's cute, but David hates her! I am sad for Lila.
Then he's all, I don't feel well, which I think Lila takes to mean as "I need a blowjob" but then he runs and throws up in the bathroom. I thought she'd be mad, but instead she is at first super alarmed, and then just very caring and concerned. She makes him lie down and then gets him a wet towel for his head and is all, "I'll take care of you!" This is disturbing. She is wearing a ring on her wedding finger, too. Then she spoons up behind David and tells her she misses him, and asks him to come upstairs, you know, to sleep with her. WHAT IS THEIR LIFE.
Upon being rejected, Lila rolls over and says "I don't think you really love me." David is like, of course I do, and Lila replies, "If you loved me, you'd make me stop. You're so fucking weak." But there's no real conviction in her voice, and I am very sad for poor little crazy Lila. David says that he tried to make her stop, and that she left him. Lila gives him evil eyes and gets up and leaves. (She looks gorgeous, btw.)
Daytime! David is doing push ups, and then lifting weights. Who's fucking weak now! The news is talking about crime. He watches cooking shows. No Alice to be seen. He skims the hot tub, poorly. He stands at the window, staring like a creeper. He burns his fingers on the stove top and screams. Then he checks on Alice, who is clearly in a lot of pain, he says due to stiffness. So he puts her on the elliptical, and then cuddles her. Oh boy, Lila is going to rain hell down on you.
He lets Alice take a shower, because letting her wander around has always been such a success before. He is clearly disturbed that he left all these whip marks on her body and apologizes. Alice is like, just go Jill, just go, and tells him how they can get away and how he's not like Lila. He's like, O RLY? Which I suppose is true, Lila has killed one person in this movie, David has killed three. Alice is like, let's just leave, right now! But then there's a knock at the door. Oh noes, it is the realtor. Who is, um, showing the house to Lila. WHAT THE WHAT.
David is like OMG HIDE IN THE CLOSET, and the realtor shows Lila around, who gleefully announces that she'll take it without seeing it all. She then asks the realtor a "personal question" (oh Lila and those questions) and asks if he ever gets tempted. The realtor is like, beg pardon? And Lila's like, ohhhh you know, and sits on the bed, all gorgeous. So she starts kissing on the guy and is all seductive and she won't take no for an answer and then he's like I HEAR SOMEONE and goes to the bathroom, where David is waiting, and Lila ups her kill count. These two, such a pair.
"WHAT THE FUCK, DAVID?" Lila roars as the realtor dies, "Seriously. I can't believe you."
"I'm sorry," David says blandly. For what, guys!
David moves the dying realtor to the bathtub as instructed. He's all, um, Lila, he's not dead, and she calmly says that he will be, since she got an artery.
Downstairs, Lila tells David she wants to throw a dinner party. He protests that they're rarely alone together, and she's all, well, we'll have to be on the move soon! Then the phone rings, and the answering machine picks up. It's a friend of Alice, who says that the office is boring without her, but they got the call from her doctor saying she had lost her voice. Lila looks over to David, clearly pleased, and then persists with the dinner party idea.
Nighttime. David goes down to the basement to give Alice a blanket. Man, he is looking to get killed. OMFG and then he gets in with her. What the hell. He tells her he wants to stop. Alice says he'll have to leave her, and reassures him that it will be okay. Bitch, you haven't met Lila yet.
Unfortunately for them, Lila is all, David? Daaaavid? Where are you? She's wearing a super cute nightgown. He goes back upstairs, and Lila suspiciously says she thought she heard him talking to someone. He says he had to check on the bodies, and she takes that in stride. Looking like she doesn't want to ask, Lila asks "Are they rotting?" He tells her they are. Then he asks if she's alright, and she says that she got lonely upstairs by herself, and she couldn't find him. Awww, guys, she's so fucked up.
Daytime! David is neatly packing for Alice. This is going to end in tears. Then he goes to the kitchen to cut carrots (for the dinner party?) when Alice stupidly starts calling out for him. She was apparently worried he left without her. Rachel Blanchard is insanely thin, btw.
Upstairs, Alice asks what David is doing, and he's like, making dinner? You can help if you like. She tries to convince him to stop, but he goes in the opposite direction, telling him he needs to go downstairs. She also grabs a knife.
"I know you think I'm different," David says, "But Lila's part of me." It's cute, in a deranged way. Also, WHERE DID THEY MEET.
Concerned friend leaves another message. In her hideyhole, Alice is sawing away at something, Not sure what.
Lila comes downstairs all beautiful and ready for her dinner party. She's all aflutter with hostess concerns. She's really cute. Also, the kitchen is smaller than I would expect in a house this size.
It appears that their guests are not Lila's friends of old. I'm pretty sure they're going to die, but when I see David bring the video camera over, I am certain. Apparently this poor couple just moved here from San Francisco. Lila met the wife at the nail salon. Another couple comes, but it's not as clear where they met.
The dinner party is super awkward, as one might expect. David is acting all shy, so Lila is all DAVID IS WRITING A CHILDREN'S BOOK and tells this creepy plot where there siblings and a monster and they can't return once they go and their guests are like, huh, and it looks like David is having a psychotic break but he's not. I mean, not more than he already has. ... Also, I am beginning to wonder if they're siblings now, omg, because Lila's like, "because brother and sister can't fall in love, can they?" That would be some shit. TWINS TWINS OMG ARE THEY TWINS. The guests do not seem to be as grossed out as I would be.
The plot is, because I am too weirded out not to know exactly what I think they're telling us: There are two kids living in the woods, and one day a creature comes and tells them about a magical place just outside the forest that has everything they could ever desire. The creature says that he'll take them there, but only if they agree to never return to their home. The children think this is good idea, and follow the creature into the woods, but they can't keep up, and the children are lost and all alone. And then it gets all weird- it looks like their guests have only heard this, and not the part where David says that he asked her not to tell it, and her telling him it's good and he shouldn't be ashamed. Then it looks like she's trying to call his attention in real time, where... in his mind, she says "They can't exactly fall in love, because they're brother and sister. That is what you wrote, hm? Twins?" (And then my mind exploded.)
So, the couple from San Francisco get away, and then Lila is like, wasn't everything perfect? to the girl who is left, and then she starts getting all flirty with the girl and oh my god, what is happening? They're making out, that's what is happening. And then the girl's boyfriend joins in, and David gets out the camera and takes out a knife and then it gets all close his eyes and the stabbing starts and then David is cleaning up, and Lila is in her cute nighty.
Lila informs him that they're leaving tomorrow, and David's like, maybe we can stay longer? And Lila is like, yeah, no. But she is all excited that David "came back to her" at the party. This is so weird. (OMG MAYBE THEY HAVE THAT SECRET COMMUNICATION LIKE THE TWINS IN ESCAPE FROM WITCH MOUNTAIN.)
David goes upstairs at night, but freaks out and cries outside what I'm assuming is Lila's door, as she told him that he could come upstairs like he won a prize. Poor David.
Daylight. Lila and David are cuddling, naked. It's more like, David is lying there, Lila was curled around him. Lila asks David to go to the store for milk for her coffee, even though they're leaving, and then she's like, want me to make sandwiches for the road? It's totally twisted and cute. I AM WARPED IN THE HEAD. She makes PB&J and cuts the crusts off. Meanwhile, Alice is still sawing away- aha, at the post she's chained to.
Lila packs up Alice's things for herself, because that's what she does. But then she sees that some things have already been packed. Including a tape- an actual tape- that Lila pops in and finds to be Beel and Alice in happier times. Lila goes down to the garage, where they're hiding pieces of bodies in coolers (I am not making this up) and realizes that there was never a cooler with Alice inside. This makes Lila really mad. Also, she realizes there is a hidey hole she's never looked in. "Helloooo? Alice?" she coos at the door, and Alice stabs her in the eye.
So now they're going to fight and Lila is like OH YOU BITCH and they fight and Alice is going really well, against all odds, since there's no reason for Alice to be so strong. IDK is Lila is dead or just passed out, but David comes back and Alice hides. Yeah, like he's not going to notice. Oh, wait, it's her friend. Her friend can't free her, so she's like GO TO THE GARAGE but somehow he has tools without going into the gross garage, but then he's like, here, you saw, I'm going upstairs to call the police. Which means of course David is up there, lying in wait.
Friend calls 911, but then David probably slices his throat. The police are coming, and Alice starts... dragging Lila around, Again, dead? Passed out? David comes downstairs and Alice is like I WILL KILL HER OMG and David is like, What? What are you doing? all concerned and bewildered. Alice keeps repeating variations on her message, but as he walks down the stairs, David says "If you kill her, we can go."
Which, of course, makes me sad that no one is Team Lila.
Alice was not expecting this, and starts backpedaling furiously, since she didn't actually want to kill Lila. He's like, no, it's cool, this is how we'll be together. He gives her a bigger knife and offers to show her show. "Goodbye, Lila," he says, a tear running down his cheek. Lila stirs and also grabs a knife, which she plunges into Alice. MIND YOU, SHE HAS BEEN STABBED IN THE EYE. Lila is fucking awesome, in a terrible way.
I guess Alice succumbs to her wound, and David looks really mad. So he starts to strangle Lila, but then he stops, so she's like, did you think she really loved you? Poor David, he probably did. "No one will ever love you except me," she says, and dude, this movie is insane. Also, meanest thing to say ever. Then she's like, we need to go! And David helps her up, and dammit, Alice is still alive. They walk out the garage, and get into the car, and though we can hear sirens, THEY GET AWAY. Oh fuck yes they do. (I am on the wrong side here.)
Another house, another realtor showing someone around, The someone is Lila, with brown hair and big Jackie O sunglasses. "I love it. It's home."
OH SHIT Y'ALL.
So, this movie was actually no where near as bad as I thought it was going to be. Solid acting from Tricia and the guy who played David, unexpected twists, like them being FUCKING TWINS and a lot of anxiety-ridden moments. I really want to go back and rewatch the Lila/David scenes because OH SNAP, I totally didn't see the sibling thing coming and I feel like I should have.
In conclusion: Definitely not as bad as The Genius Club, actually... good?
ETA: Certain things do make more sense now, like the way Lila orders David around, and it kind of makes their particular brand of crazy more... logical? I don't know, sometimes it seems like Lila is doing this just for a chance to play house. I AM DYING TO KNOW WHAT WENT DOWN HERE.
Well. The DVD menu is made of lulz, but I don't think it's intentional. Also, there is a very real chance that I am going to be scared out of my mind watching this, regardless of the hilarity, because I am scared by everything.
Also, apparently TV Cher used to be married to Beel! And she's friends with Sookie. TV Cher is trying to be upbeat about her divorce and trying to sell her house! Sookie looks adorable, TV Cher looks kind of awful. Her name is Alice, so let's call her that.
BTW, some dude is in Alice's house. He snuck in when the realtor was showing the house. The realtor saw some random dude walk in and like, didn't ever see him again, and he thought, that's cool, so we all know he's lurking in the house. I think he's Tricia's boyfriend.
Alice falls asleep, and wakes up all, Sookie? Where are you? And she's walking all over the house in the dark, looking for Sookie, and I'm totally terrified because THERE IS A DUDE IN YOUR HOUSE AND ALSO SOOKIE IS PROBABLY DEAD!!! Instead of finding dead Sookie, she finds the faucet in a bathroom running. IT IS ALL VERY ALARMING. (I don't know why she isn't turning on every light in the house. I would have.)
Alice is all SOOKIE THIS BETTER NOT BE A JOKE and goes down into the basement, still calling for Sookie. She is dead in some backroom of the basement. Alice screams, and backs up, into this dark abyss where a pair of arms presumably belonging to Tricia's boyfriend grabs her. We're off to a great start!
Alice wakes up all gagged. She's in the crawl space... under the basement? Those exist? That seems a bit excessive. She hears footsteps. Oh, no, she's in the creepy closet/room thing. Tricia's boyfriend, who looks like he was in the beer garden scene of Cabaret singing "Tomorrow Belongs to Me" except he has blood on his face injects her with something, much to Alice's dismay. I want to know why her basement has all these weird compartments, though I guess maybe all basements are like that? I haven't seen too many.
Car pulls up to Alice's house, and a fabulous pair of legs emerge. IT IS TRICIA, LOOKING SPECTACULAR AS ALWAYS. She's wearing this orangey red dress and her hair is fantastic and her boyfriend lets her in. The boyfriend trails behind her and says nothing, which is weird. Tricia surveys the house and proclaims it 'perfect' and 'home.' Boyfriend doesn't even react. WHAT IS HIS DEAL.
Vampire Beel is back! He's calling Alice to say he wants to stop by and get his golf clubs and also look at the hot tub? Whatever. In the basement, Alice is unconscious. Fortunately for Beel, Tricia is in the hot tub, and she looks just lovely. Beel's accent when he is not a southern gentleman is rather delightful.
He is, however, not immune to Tricia, whose name in this is Lila, and he fills her wine glass. Then he's all, I have to go, but if you see Alice, could you tell her I stopped by? UM, YOU THINK SHE IS STAYING WITH YOUR EX, YOU SHOULD ASSUME SHE'LL SEE HER. I shouldn't be so worked up over that one sentence but I am. Also, where is Lila's boyfriend?
As he's leaving, Lila is like Can I ask you something personal? Beel is all, um... because he has a healthy respect for the fact that SHE IS A STRANGER AND IN YOUR FORMER HOME BY HERSELF. She's all cute and pretty and all, I'm trying to decide if I should tell you something about Alice, but I need to know something personal about you first. And then she's all, SO WHAT ARE YOUR TRUE FEELINGS FOR ALICE?
I don't know why she'd ask that.
Beel is like, um, well, I care for her... but I'm not in love with her anymore. Lila is watching him very intently, it's kind of cute. You know. If you get past what we know about her. For exposition's sake, she asks what happens, and Beel replies that their love faded, and that's why they broke up. Lila nods sympathetically, and then Beel is like, so, um why
Upstairs, Lila's Aryan boyfriend sets up a camera. Oh, gross.
Beel tells Lila he thinks she's messing with him. SHE IS. WHY ARE YOU THERE? I have no sympathy for people who are fools, Vampire Beel. Instead of saying that she isn't, Lila's like WELL WHAT IF I AM? Instead of being all, "okay, laterz!" Beel lets Lila ask him if he's met anyone new. Dude. Get out. Beel's all, no one serious- WHY? HAS ALICE? And Lila giggles, "No... Maaaybe..." and is generally adorable. I shouldn't find her so delightful.
Beel asks Lila if she's with anyone and when she replies that he is, Beel asks how she makes it work. "We have an open relationship," Lila smolders, and Beel is like, MADAM THAT IS HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE FOR A WOMAN OF YOUR CALIBRE.
No, actually, he's like, "Really?" and the music gets super intense because, as always, the strings can smell danger. They talk about how it works and Lila's all, well, it's scary at first, admitting that you have other desires to the person that "most completes you." (Note: I am so charmed by that turn of phrase I can't even deal with it.) But whatever, doing that kind of thing brings you closer together, whatever. Tricia is selling the hell out of this, but even she is having a hard time masking that this is crap.
They had been sitting kitty corner across from one another in the hot tub, but once Lila comes over, Beel is like ABORT ABORT MUST GO and I can't tell if it's because he can see her crazy eyes, or if he's realizing how weird this is, or if he's... scared he'll do something with Alice's friend, but he readjusts angled away from her. He asks what she has to tell him about Alice, and she says she'll tell him on one condition: he has to get in the water.
LOL, says Vampire Beel, I can't do that, Alice will come back and kill me! Lila's like, she won't come back! You're totally fine! BTW I'm totally housesitting. Which, sure. Alice doesn't say she's going out of town, and asks a friend you've never met to watch the house. This is not bizarre at all!
Lila splashes Beel, using the whole "well, now you're wet so you might as well come in" tactic, and is all flirty and pretty, and then she starts macking on Beel. Nazi Boyfriend sees this start, leaves the camera angled on the hot tub, and leaves. Meanwhile, in the basement, Alice can... sense something is afoot?
Beel is now totally in the tub, and Lila on his lap, and they're making out, because... well, he's no fool. Then he's all "maybe we shouldn't" and Lila's like "then stop" but starts moving all sexily and he starts kissing her neck and they are grinding up on one another and the music is freaking the fuck out. It's really distracting.
Nazi boyfriend is in the kitchen. He grabs a knife. By this point, Lila and Beel are totally having sex, which, oh damn. Boyfriend walks right on over and hands Lila a knife. Lila totally stabs Beel right in the juncture of his neck and shoulder. He falls into the hot tub, bleeding and shit, and Lila climbs out like ain't no thang. She walks right past Nazi boyfriend, holding her knife, and Nazi boyfriend doesn't react. I'm not sure if the actor is just incredibly feeble, or if we're supposed to believe he isn't into this, or if we're supposed to believe that he is so bananas that he can't talk.
He drags vampire Beel down to the basement. We can see Alice crying, though that's just at her own poor luck and Sookie's demise. From upstairs, Lila calls "Daaavid?" so I guess that's Nazi boy's name. Shot of Lila covered in blood and looking annoyed, but very beautiful. I think we're supposed to believe that when David stopped and looked towards Alice's hideyhole (because she was crying?) Lila didn't like it? I have no idea. David goes into a back room, where Alice found Sookie, I believe, and shuts the door. To cut Beel up into little pieces? I have no idea.
Upstairs, Lila, still covered in blood, gets herself a glass of water. We hear sounds of a buzz saw, OH MY GOD HE IS CUTTING BEEL UP EW EW EW. Lila just looks gorgeous, staring into the distance.
They eat dinner at the table. "It's so quiet here," remarks Lila amiably, "I can't wait to meet the neighbors." So they'll talk to you? Because David doesn't talk? WHAT IS HIS DAMAGE. Also, I hope they're not eating Beel.
CLOSE UP ON ROUGH-HEWN HOLE IN WALL.I think we're meant to believe it's a heating grate or something. Of course, Alice can hear everything, like Lila saying how fun today was. "After dinner," Lila asks, a sparkle in her eye, "will you set up the video?" Ohhh gross, are they going to have sex to that? Ew. David nods. So there is some kind of brain function going on in there. Alice is just like, wtf, down in the basement.
Lila preens in the bathroom, looking adorable in little lacey shorts. "She had good taste," Lila remarks. David, as always, is silent. He is setting up the video, as instructed. She then says it's been a pretty long day, so David turns to walk out without looking at her. "David? You're happy I'm back, right?"
David is like, ... ... ... and then Lila says goodnight and David FINALLY SPEAKS! He says: Goodnight, Lila.
Okay, so, this movie might be absurd, but I am totally intrigued. Where did Lila go? And how did these two freaking meet? And what is their deal! And why is David so spooky?
In the dark, David is sitting on the couch. He watches some home videos Alice and Beel made. They're kissing and toasting their new home but it's like, really awkward that they filmed this.
Alice, in the basement, hears Lila calling out goodbye and see you tonight, and then she drives away. Um, does she have an office job? I sure hope so. This would be some "the stranger beside me" shit. David watches her leave, goes to the kitchen, gets a knife, and then goes to the basement. Looks like Alice is in for a great day! (I really hope this doesn't get super gory.)
Alice looks to be in remarkably good condition two days later. David cuts off her gag, so of course she starts to scream and beg and David is just... staring. Until finally he says that no one can hear her, which is the worst thing to hear, ever.
Next we see him getting out some chains or something, but then he's taken Alice upstairs and is like, giving her a drink. He then informs her that if "she" finds out that Alice is still alive, she'll kill her. LILA HAS STANDARDS, OKAY? LOL, so then David is like ... ... ... I have to work.
Cut to David sitting at the head of the table on his laptop, Alice at the other, just sitting. He offers her something to read, she says she needs to go to the bathroom. This goes about as well as you might expect- the closes the door, knocks things down to block it, and starts screaming out the window. David clearly did not expect this, and reacts as such, looking panicked and... running away? Then Alice runs to another door, finds it... locked from the inside? And decides to run back to the bathroom. And then somehow makes it to the front door? Screams out of it, but then David grabs her before she can say much.
Cut to shot of Bugs Bunny on the TV. Alice and David are seated at opposite ends of the sofa, and Alice is regagged and tied up. Bugs, in poor taste, is laughing about murder. David turns it off, says "She'll be home soon," and then... scoots over next to Alice. And unties her gag again? Didn't we learn? David says "This is out secret," and then we cut to him cooking asparagus. And setting the table. I assume Alice is back in the basement. He then sits to wait at the table like a good boy.
Lila comes home! She is giggling and looks spectacular, as always. David is remarkably chatty, though it appears Lila is later than normal. David asks if she already ate and Lila is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?! I am always surprised when Tricia curses. Apparently she met a friend for a drink. Alice listens with interest.
Dinner in silence. Lila apologizes for yelling, saying she doesn't want to yell, but that David suffocates her. He apologizes. Lila's all, "I can't be the only one who changes," and David agrees. I'm picturing them being this murdering couple before, but I can't really see how they'd behave differently.
Daytime, the next day? Lila prances down the stairs with a laundry basket, and makes towards the basement door. David jumps up all, LILA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? and she's like, laundry? He offers to do it and she says, in this adorable tone, that she wants to. He starts flailing that he'll do it, and just as I'm wondering if this is something that made them break up before, Lila says that she's "trying." Clearly it's important to their relationship that she does this laundry. David lurks at the top of the stairs, clearly all OMG SHE IS GOING TO FIND ALICE and Lila is like I KNOW HOW TO DO LAUNDRY, DAVID! and he walks away and goes to find a knife. Uh oh.
Lila is having trouble with the stupid machine and starts hitting it. So, she clearly has more issues than previously realized. Lila, calm down and read it. She does, and the laundry starts, and she prances up the stairs. And David doesn't have to stab anyone.
Another day. Alice is upstairs, tied up. David serves her a sandwich without the crust. Alice tries to make him see her as a person, and David's like, yeah, I know what you're doing. Also, if this is going to work, we need to be honest with one another. In my opinion, he is echoing what someone- say, Lila?- said to him. Alice asks why they're doing this, and David doesn't answer. Duh.
Someone knocks on the door and then... opens the door. Oh, clearly it's a cleaning crew. Ruh roh. Alice is left alone to tell them to leave, but still writes them a check. On the check it says "call police." The dude of the cleaning crew is like ohhhh shit, because after seeing two sandwiches, he was like, ooh, Miss Alice is having a man visitor. Unfortunately for everyone, it takes them too long to leave, and David barrels out and starts stabbing the cleaning dude. David is very upset that Alice lied to him, so after cutting the woman's throat, he takes off his belt and starts beating Alice, all the while yelling at her "LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO." He is like Lila's little clone. David feels bad for making Alice cry, but he locks her up just the same.
Lila is happily trying on Alice's clothes, and coos at David, "She must've been your type," and asking how Alice did her hair. She asks if her ass is nicer than Alice's was, and goes over to him, and David is unable to deal with such conversation and leaves. Lila is like YOU ARE SUCH A PRUDE and then giggles to herself. She is crazy as the day is long, but really cute! Then she gets sad face, like she's hurt that David didn't say her ass was nicer, before going right back to being delighted at her new clothes. Oh Tricia. You're so talented.
Downstairs, David is on his computer. Lila prances over- I am using that word a lot, but that's what she does- and says she wants to play- then she wants to see what he's writing, but mostly she wants to play. She makes pouty faces and pleads cutely and is generally adorable. David, who is clearly not made of stone though he acts like it around her, shuts his laptop. Lila skips off merrily to turn on some music and then asks David to dance with her. They're dancing and it's... not cute. She's cute, but David hates her! I am sad for Lila.
Then he's all, I don't feel well, which I think Lila takes to mean as "I need a blowjob" but then he runs and throws up in the bathroom. I thought she'd be mad, but instead she is at first super alarmed, and then just very caring and concerned. She makes him lie down and then gets him a wet towel for his head and is all, "I'll take care of you!" This is disturbing. She is wearing a ring on her wedding finger, too. Then she spoons up behind David and tells her she misses him, and asks him to come upstairs, you know, to sleep with her. WHAT IS THEIR LIFE.
Upon being rejected, Lila rolls over and says "I don't think you really love me." David is like, of course I do, and Lila replies, "If you loved me, you'd make me stop. You're so fucking weak." But there's no real conviction in her voice, and I am very sad for poor little crazy Lila. David says that he tried to make her stop, and that she left him. Lila gives him evil eyes and gets up and leaves. (She looks gorgeous, btw.)
Daytime! David is doing push ups, and then lifting weights. Who's fucking weak now! The news is talking about crime. He watches cooking shows. No Alice to be seen. He skims the hot tub, poorly. He stands at the window, staring like a creeper. He burns his fingers on the stove top and screams. Then he checks on Alice, who is clearly in a lot of pain, he says due to stiffness. So he puts her on the elliptical, and then cuddles her. Oh boy, Lila is going to rain hell down on you.
He lets Alice take a shower, because letting her wander around has always been such a success before. He is clearly disturbed that he left all these whip marks on her body and apologizes. Alice is like, just go Jill, just go, and tells him how they can get away and how he's not like Lila. He's like, O RLY? Which I suppose is true, Lila has killed one person in this movie, David has killed three. Alice is like, let's just leave, right now! But then there's a knock at the door. Oh noes, it is the realtor. Who is, um, showing the house to Lila. WHAT THE WHAT.
David is like OMG HIDE IN THE CLOSET, and the realtor shows Lila around, who gleefully announces that she'll take it without seeing it all. She then asks the realtor a "personal question" (oh Lila and those questions) and asks if he ever gets tempted. The realtor is like, beg pardon? And Lila's like, ohhhh you know, and sits on the bed, all gorgeous. So she starts kissing on the guy and is all seductive and she won't take no for an answer and then he's like I HEAR SOMEONE and goes to the bathroom, where David is waiting, and Lila ups her kill count. These two, such a pair.
"WHAT THE FUCK, DAVID?" Lila roars as the realtor dies, "Seriously. I can't believe you."
"I'm sorry," David says blandly. For what, guys!
David moves the dying realtor to the bathtub as instructed. He's all, um, Lila, he's not dead, and she calmly says that he will be, since she got an artery.
Downstairs, Lila tells David she wants to throw a dinner party. He protests that they're rarely alone together, and she's all, well, we'll have to be on the move soon! Then the phone rings, and the answering machine picks up. It's a friend of Alice, who says that the office is boring without her, but they got the call from her doctor saying she had lost her voice. Lila looks over to David, clearly pleased, and then persists with the dinner party idea.
Nighttime. David goes down to the basement to give Alice a blanket. Man, he is looking to get killed. OMFG and then he gets in with her. What the hell. He tells her he wants to stop. Alice says he'll have to leave her, and reassures him that it will be okay. Bitch, you haven't met Lila yet.
Unfortunately for them, Lila is all, David? Daaaavid? Where are you? She's wearing a super cute nightgown. He goes back upstairs, and Lila suspiciously says she thought she heard him talking to someone. He says he had to check on the bodies, and she takes that in stride. Looking like she doesn't want to ask, Lila asks "Are they rotting?" He tells her they are. Then he asks if she's alright, and she says that she got lonely upstairs by herself, and she couldn't find him. Awww, guys, she's so fucked up.
Daytime! David is neatly packing for Alice. This is going to end in tears. Then he goes to the kitchen to cut carrots (for the dinner party?) when Alice stupidly starts calling out for him. She was apparently worried he left without her. Rachel Blanchard is insanely thin, btw.
Upstairs, Alice asks what David is doing, and he's like, making dinner? You can help if you like. She tries to convince him to stop, but he goes in the opposite direction, telling him he needs to go downstairs. She also grabs a knife.
"I know you think I'm different," David says, "But Lila's part of me." It's cute, in a deranged way. Also, WHERE DID THEY MEET.
Concerned friend leaves another message. In her hideyhole, Alice is sawing away at something, Not sure what.
Lila comes downstairs all beautiful and ready for her dinner party. She's all aflutter with hostess concerns. She's really cute. Also, the kitchen is smaller than I would expect in a house this size.
It appears that their guests are not Lila's friends of old. I'm pretty sure they're going to die, but when I see David bring the video camera over, I am certain. Apparently this poor couple just moved here from San Francisco. Lila met the wife at the nail salon. Another couple comes, but it's not as clear where they met.
The dinner party is super awkward, as one might expect. David is acting all shy, so Lila is all DAVID IS WRITING A CHILDREN'S BOOK and tells this creepy plot where there siblings and a monster and they can't return once they go and their guests are like, huh, and it looks like David is having a psychotic break but he's not. I mean, not more than he already has. ... Also, I am beginning to wonder if they're siblings now, omg, because Lila's like, "because brother and sister can't fall in love, can they?" That would be some shit. TWINS TWINS OMG ARE THEY TWINS. The guests do not seem to be as grossed out as I would be.
The plot is, because I am too weirded out not to know exactly what I think they're telling us: There are two kids living in the woods, and one day a creature comes and tells them about a magical place just outside the forest that has everything they could ever desire. The creature says that he'll take them there, but only if they agree to never return to their home. The children think this is good idea, and follow the creature into the woods, but they can't keep up, and the children are lost and all alone. And then it gets all weird- it looks like their guests have only heard this, and not the part where David says that he asked her not to tell it, and her telling him it's good and he shouldn't be ashamed. Then it looks like she's trying to call his attention in real time, where... in his mind, she says "They can't exactly fall in love, because they're brother and sister. That is what you wrote, hm? Twins?" (And then my mind exploded.)
So, the couple from San Francisco get away, and then Lila is like, wasn't everything perfect? to the girl who is left, and then she starts getting all flirty with the girl and oh my god, what is happening? They're making out, that's what is happening. And then the girl's boyfriend joins in, and David gets out the camera and takes out a knife and then it gets all close his eyes and the stabbing starts and then David is cleaning up, and Lila is in her cute nighty.
Lila informs him that they're leaving tomorrow, and David's like, maybe we can stay longer? And Lila is like, yeah, no. But she is all excited that David "came back to her" at the party. This is so weird. (OMG MAYBE THEY HAVE THAT SECRET COMMUNICATION LIKE THE TWINS IN ESCAPE FROM WITCH MOUNTAIN.)
David goes upstairs at night, but freaks out and cries outside what I'm assuming is Lila's door, as she told him that he could come upstairs like he won a prize. Poor David.
Daylight. Lila and David are cuddling, naked. It's more like, David is lying there, Lila was curled around him. Lila asks David to go to the store for milk for her coffee, even though they're leaving, and then she's like, want me to make sandwiches for the road? It's totally twisted and cute. I AM WARPED IN THE HEAD. She makes PB&J and cuts the crusts off. Meanwhile, Alice is still sawing away- aha, at the post she's chained to.
Lila packs up Alice's things for herself, because that's what she does. But then she sees that some things have already been packed. Including a tape- an actual tape- that Lila pops in and finds to be Beel and Alice in happier times. Lila goes down to the garage, where they're hiding pieces of bodies in coolers (I am not making this up) and realizes that there was never a cooler with Alice inside. This makes Lila really mad. Also, she realizes there is a hidey hole she's never looked in. "Helloooo? Alice?" she coos at the door, and Alice stabs her in the eye.
So now they're going to fight and Lila is like OH YOU BITCH and they fight and Alice is going really well, against all odds, since there's no reason for Alice to be so strong. IDK is Lila is dead or just passed out, but David comes back and Alice hides. Yeah, like he's not going to notice. Oh, wait, it's her friend. Her friend can't free her, so she's like GO TO THE GARAGE but somehow he has tools without going into the gross garage, but then he's like, here, you saw, I'm going upstairs to call the police. Which means of course David is up there, lying in wait.
Friend calls 911, but then David probably slices his throat. The police are coming, and Alice starts... dragging Lila around, Again, dead? Passed out? David comes downstairs and Alice is like I WILL KILL HER OMG and David is like, What? What are you doing? all concerned and bewildered. Alice keeps repeating variations on her message, but as he walks down the stairs, David says "If you kill her, we can go."
Which, of course, makes me sad that no one is Team Lila.
Alice was not expecting this, and starts backpedaling furiously, since she didn't actually want to kill Lila. He's like, no, it's cool, this is how we'll be together. He gives her a bigger knife and offers to show her show. "Goodbye, Lila," he says, a tear running down his cheek. Lila stirs and also grabs a knife, which she plunges into Alice. MIND YOU, SHE HAS BEEN STABBED IN THE EYE. Lila is fucking awesome, in a terrible way.
I guess Alice succumbs to her wound, and David looks really mad. So he starts to strangle Lila, but then he stops, so she's like, did you think she really loved you? Poor David, he probably did. "No one will ever love you except me," she says, and dude, this movie is insane. Also, meanest thing to say ever. Then she's like, we need to go! And David helps her up, and dammit, Alice is still alive. They walk out the garage, and get into the car, and though we can hear sirens, THEY GET AWAY. Oh fuck yes they do. (I am on the wrong side here.)
Another house, another realtor showing someone around, The someone is Lila, with brown hair and big Jackie O sunglasses. "I love it. It's home."
OH SHIT Y'ALL.
So, this movie was actually no where near as bad as I thought it was going to be. Solid acting from Tricia and the guy who played David, unexpected twists, like them being FUCKING TWINS and a lot of anxiety-ridden moments. I really want to go back and rewatch the Lila/David scenes because OH SNAP, I totally didn't see the sibling thing coming and I feel like I should have.
In conclusion: Definitely not as bad as The Genius Club, actually... good?
ETA: Certain things do make more sense now, like the way Lila orders David around, and it kind of makes their particular brand of crazy more... logical? I don't know, sometimes it seems like Lila is doing this just for a chance to play house. I AM DYING TO KNOW WHAT WENT DOWN HERE.
no subject
Admit it, you did that just watching the movie. :p
Tricia's boyfriend, who looks like he was in the beer garden scene of Cabaret singing "Tomorrow Belongs to Me"
I love you.
Beel replies that their love faded
...See, I cannot conjure up any image where he's NOT saying all this in his True Blood voice.
David nods. So there is some kind of brain function going on in there.
I LOL'd at my desk.
Squeee, I love your movie summaries! The strings can smell danger! Now I totally want to watch this, even more than Genius Club. ADORABLE CRAZY TRICIA. For some reason I am ridiculously happy she survives to kill again. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.
no subject
Also I am not at all mentally writing fic trying to figure Lila and David out. No, not me.