(no subject)

[sunshine_queen]

Things I do once my nice friend in town leaves me because we just watched the BSG miniseries and it's dark outside and she has a twenty-five minute walk.



1. Call my mother hysterically, but am pleasantly surprised that phonecall works at all.

2. Take Xanax.

3. Take shower, which is only marginally better than taking one at hostel.

4. Regret not washing hair last night at the hostel, as the hostel at least wasn't suffering from a lack of airconditioning.

5. Return to room and am surprised at how warm I am post-shower.

6. Give in to what my mother said and unpack, even though I have no drawers and only six hangers. Arrange clothes by groups in suitcases, which are being used as oversized portable drawers.

7. Eat peanut butter M&Ms from home, skim American Assistant in France handbook on what to do in case you're homesick you could die.

8. Realize I feel better.

9. Realize I feel better because I took a xanax.

10. Get cold.

11. Think about getting into bed with laptop to watch something but worry about falling asleep at 11 PM.

12. Realize no one is around to judge you if that happens.

13. Reflect on how grateful you are to have a room to yourself.

14. Get into bed with conforter and another blanket thoughtfully provided by school and am toasty warm... but I am wearing leggings under yoga pants and underarmor under a waffleweave shirt, BUT I AM WARM.



This room at the school really is nice, but honestly, I can't do this without internet. I was hanging on by a thread at the hostel, but at least then I could connect to people. Being isolated is really breaking me down. I'm hoping that once I get my new phone that the internet will work well on that and I can tweet and email people at will, just as I'm hoping that the internet situation actually does get fixed at this school (same as I hope that OH MY LORD THEY TURN ON THE HEAT, WHAT IS THIS HELL.) I have to walk twenty-five minutes up hill to this girl Rhiannon's house, who is graciously allowing me to hang out there today, but I want to leave around six or so, before it gets super dark, and that is a normal time for people to be getting up on a Sunday, so I might completely miss my parents.

I know you guys keep telling me that I'm beating myself up over how I'm handling this, but it's embarrassing. Yesterday I nearly cried at the grocery store because I couldn't find anything I wanted to eat besides rolls, raspberry jam, and green apples. My kitchen is confusing and bizarre and it has a hot plate and no oven and I don't have any pots and pans. I'm bone-weary of being constantly homesick and unable to enjoy anything and I don't want to be a quitter but I think I might actually wither away and die. I don't want to come home and waste this opportunity but I hate it here.

Comments

[(Anonymous)]

Justin and I say hello! We have been keeping up with your worries and woes. We hope everything gets better soon, but I for one know how awful homesickness can be... you remember what a disaster and nutcase I was my first year of college. Anyway, I will be sure to keep following along and e-mailing you (it will be better once we're home) so that you won't be so alone! Is there anyone in the school housing near you?

Justin asks that you work dilligently on your tour route so when we come to visit, it will be parfait. He also would like you to know that things could be worse--Greece has no ketchup. Then, he wonders, Does France? But then I remind him of the episode of Lucy where she asks for ketchup with her escargot, so I'm thinking they have Heinz.

* major hugs!! *

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

Their ketchup is terrible! I remember that from my last visit. It like, has no salt or something.

And I will have a perfect route for you! I just need to make sure I don't wither away first. Glad you are enjoying Greece! Can't wait to see pics and hear all about it!

[kag523.livejournal.com]

Oh honey. It's okay to feel how you feel. It is OKAY. And I'm sending you endless peaceful vibes... but I also realize that the situation you are currently in is far from helpful. Just know that you are loved, and that this isn't a test. You can't 'fail' it, because it's just life. And we learn from EVERYTHING no matter how we react.

I loved your list, Madi, and I hope that each day that passes, it's a little easier to get to "I feel better". Be well. *HUGS* Karin :>)

TRUCCO IS BEAMING FOR YOU!!!

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks for your words of wisdom, K. I know I can't "fail" but it feels like I'm disappointing everyone that I'm not enjoying every last second of this. Ugh, IDK.

MM THAT HANDSOME TRUCCO.

[sci-fi-shipper.livejournal.com]

*HUGS*

I hope things get better quickly, sweetie. <3<3<3<3

[amaliak.livejournal.com]

[korenap.livejournal.com]

Why should you be handling it any better. You haven't been able to land and relax, and your cold!!! Seriously, It sucks to go overseas and have to keep jumping around. And not having a place to tuck your stuff away is bad.

And the internet thing is big, do they have cafe's with wifi? Or just an internet cafe? There is always a way to get internet in a city without paying, may not be ideal but should take some of the communication anxiety away.

Do give yourself a break.

[rayruz.livejournal.com]

LJ ate my post! But it was basically encouraging and be joyful you are in Paris and <3

[bel-baggins.livejournal.com]

I went to Europe for 3 weeks as part of a class trip just before my senior year of high school - I was pretty much homesick the whole time, so I know how you feel. And don't feel bad if you're not happy at the moment - don't make yourself feel worse by feeling guilty, you have every right to feel homesick and frustrated. It's a HUGE change you're making! Although I hope you do decide to stay, I think once you get adjusted you'll love that you're there.

I agree with the post above - can you find cybercafes? Do libraries have internet access? Hopefully your phone will work out for you, at least! I know how being connected can help. (Hee hee, when I moved to Tucson for an internship right after college, I nearly hugged the Cox Cable guy after he set up my internet.)

I'm trying to send you happy (and warm) thoughts!

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

I just hope I make it to your visit, Heather!

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

Aww the kitties!

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

This town is so tiny, there really seems no easy way to get it except going to the library one of the four days a week it's open or creeping at the McDonald's. It's just that nothing is going the way I expected and I hate it.

(BTW, I watched an episode of Fairly Legal yesterday and it Mathias was there! She looked so pretty and I thought of you!)

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

Believe me, I think that all the time! "You're in Paris! This is what you've dreamed of!" But it isn't and that's somehow worse. :(

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

The library has internet for up to two hours a day, but it's open on really random days on really random hours- so doable but not optimal, and I think the only other place with internet is the McDonald's, and I don't want to creep around there if I can help it. I really want to talk to the school about getting internet just installed, but they keep giving me the run, I hope unintentionally. I just want internet! This isn't too much to ask!

Thanks for the warm and happy thoughts!

[korenap.livejournal.com]

So you saw Mathias while in France, too funny. I don't think I've the actress in anything but BSG.

Hope you trip across something that makes you glad your there.

[rdave1.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight* It is normal how you feel but I do hope things get better for you soon. *hugs*