Ten batty-bats! A ha ha ha ha!

[sunshine_queen]

Yeah, yeah, so it took me forever. Deal.

And now, for my Alias ramble, per Nita's request.

(from memory, too!)

The lady who turns out to be the blonde lady from the 'Hitch' previews is teaching a glass in Amsterdam. Lo, Alias has taken to giving the audiences Pre-Credit victims. I LOVE this practice. The more death, the better, I say. So, Hitch lady is a teacher and she asks this really pretty Amsterdamian girl to talk in English. While Pretty Girl is chatting away, Hitch-chick starts to hear ringing. This is amusing, because in school, when a cell phone rings, the entire class starts either laughing at the student or coughing to cover the noise, and these kids are just listening to Pretty Girl talk about Klaus getting slapped. But none of the kids are doing this.

But the ringing is really, really bugging Hitch-lady. So she snaps at some hapless student to TURN HER GODDAMN PHONE OFF. Hapless looks at HL and innocently says that her phone is off. Duh.

This sets little bells in HL's head to ringing, so she tells Pretty Girl to take over the class and runs out. There is a bald man with a gun on one end of the really dark hall. And then on the other side. And then no where! And then everywhere! HL also proves herself to be an agent (Um, hello? What did Laura Bristow do? That's what I thought.) by taking out a gun and waving it at Baldy. She is obviously distraught.

Pretty Girl runs out to check on her teach. She sees HL holding a gun and flips. In return, HL decides she's had enough, yells out a cryptic phrase in... Amsterdamian? What do they speak in the Netherlands? Dutch? I think Dutch... and shoots herself under her chin. In front of poor Pretty Girl.

After that fun, fun romp in Europe, we start the episode in LA. I think this is when we went to Hockey- but OH MY GOD WAS THAT NOT THE BEST SCENE OF THE EPISODE?!?! SyVa. Channeling Season 2 and being cute and darling and *sigh*. They banter adorably and Syd totally eats it on the ice and it's just too super cute.

Then they call both of them but only Syd goes. This is where my memory gets fuzzy. I know that they all wind up at APO in a giant meeting of everyone but Nadia and they get handed these boxes that I thought were chocolate but turned out to be binders. Here Sloane fills in the APO gang on what's up:

HL is named Nancy Cahil, whose name I hate. She and her husband were on a mission there to do stuff with drugs or something. However, the husband is missing, and Nancy is dead, so it's up to the Dream Team to solve the case! This week, Jack's driving the Mystery Mobile, Syd's sitting shotgun, and Vaughn, Dixon, Nadia, Weiss and Shaggy and Scooby are in the back.

Sloane designates pairs: Dixon and Weiss doing something, Vaughn and Nadia doing each other, and SpyDaddy and Sydney searching the house. Syd looks like she wants to dispute this. I was just thrilled because I'm down with both Naughty and Nack, so I'd be happy either way.

In Amsterdam, los Bristows check out the Cahil House in complete and utter silence. Daddy finds a laptop hidden in somewhere, and Sydney finds a door. I, of course, warned Sydney to holler to Daddy where she was going and when she'd be back. Does she? Nope.

She goes through the door and it's not Narnia, it's like a walk-in closet. Behind a kitchen wall. With a door under the sink. And really creepy drawings on the wall of carnage and blood and gross stuff, and there's a plate of rotting food that made me cry, THIS IS AN EPISODE OF THE X-FILES! I KNEW IT! WHERE'S DANA?

Anyway, so Syd's checking out the closet and totally not worrying abut Vaughn sleeping with Nadia when she turns, and I just knew, in my heart of hearts, that the creepy dude was going to jump out.

And he did.

He also happens to be a depraved version of Nancy's husband. My sister picked up on this immediately, for she is a genius child. Anyway, Depravo jumps at Syd with a snarl and attacks her neck, and you totally know he's not giving her a hickey. Syd finally manages to push him off her- and then he pukes this massive amount of blood on her. It was gross.

And then SpyDaddy shoots him in the shoulder. Because Daddy... totally knew where to look. Know what? Whatever. Anyway, he saves Syd's ass.

However, that nasty bite leads to Syd getting tested for stuff while Daddy watches intensely and worriedly. This, however, is not as intense of a process as the season 1 "is Syd the Prophecy Chick or Isn't She?" medical ordeal.

Anyway, the Indian Doctor who replaced Dr. Sweater Vest tells Syd that she should be perfectly fine. Which is what Dr. Sweater Vest told Vaughn in Season 2. Which means that Syd is most definitely not fine.

The Dream Team sans Syd is having a meeting. Daddy comes in to tell them that Syd is doing okay. Nadia has returned from her two-week bowling extravaganza. She won a trophy. We love her. She looks sweetly at Eric when he talks like, yeah. He's my boyfriend. Like she totally doesn't know she's sleeping with Vaughn and Daddy. Vaughn, at hearing that Syd is okay, goes to see Syd. Syd decides that she's not his girlfriend anymore and therefore totally doesn't need his attention. What. Ever. God, did I hate Syd this episode. Mostly.

Syd goes home and tries to sleep. Gets caught with insomnia, which is one of the big key thingers for whatever she's got. Or something. So, she gets up and goes to her bathroom, that I might be in love with. It's not The Apt.'s bathroom or anything, but it's damn nice.

In the bathroom, next to two bottles of prescription pills- Syd's so totally on Prozac- there's a big, icky looking spider. Syd smashes it. Atta girl. DEATH TO SPIDERS! Syd realizes that she has a temp and grabs a thermometer. That word is a lot more fun when you say it 'thermo-meter.'

Then the noise of happy lovebirds that aren't bogged down by four seasons of misery come in. It's Neiss! Hooray! Syd goes out to greet them and it's super cute. Syd asks Eric if he's spending the night. Oh, ew. I mean, yay for Neiss but SPENDING THE NIGHT while Syd's next door? Ew. EW. I don't care if they're just sleeping. That's just icky, pals. Apparently Nadia thinks so too and she walks Eric out. Meanwhile, the thermometer, which has been sitting docilely in Syd's palm, beeps to signify that Syd has a temperature of 111º. Which is impossible, because I happen to have that thermometer and once it reaches 105º it says 'ERROR' and if she had a temp of 111º- let alone the 115º it reaches, her brain would melt. And that was just in her hand. Shyeah right, dude. Tessa says it was a hallucination. It had to be.

Syd goes to work early wearing a really cute dress and stares at this wall of identical televisions with the exact same image on every screen. What is the point of that? All the TVs have the pictures they took from Depravo's Hall of Horrors.

They have a meeting of the A-Team. They found out that Depravo was gonna meet with this dude named The Count, who was gonna give him drug info or something. He also happened to be the supplier of the thing that turned Mr. Cahil into Depravo. Sloane's sending his Golden Girl in for the meet.

Dixon ain't too keen on sending his girl out when she's feeling a bit under the weather and sporting a LARGE BITE MARK ON HER NECK. Sloane tells Dixcon that he should shut up. Syd says that she is completely and utterly fine. Besides the whole halluncinating thing.

Er, Marshall and Syd talk about incubation period of what Depravo had, but there's no need for Syd to worry, right? Right? Before Syd can answer, Carrie calls. CARRIE LIVES! I am ecstatic. As dollsome said, one can never tell with the wives on Alias. Carrie puts Mitchell on the phone, and Marshall starts with baby talk, effectively losing Syd, because neither Jack nor Laura Bristow ever used baby talk on Baby Sydney.

Syd and Gira run into one another. Yes, Gira is beautiful. No, this scene doesn't do much except for show sisterly loyalty, because sisters lie for one another, even if THEIR HEALTH IS ON THE LINE. I'm sorry, I've grown up with my sister and I love her to death, but if I thought her health was in danger- especially of a disease that makes you hallucinate until YOUR BRAIN BECOMES LIKE SWISS CHEESE- I'd tattle. Am I a bad sister? If Syd had died, Nadia would've totally guilted herself to death. Vaughn walks up to the sisters, who apparently appear to be chatting about whether or not playtex or tampax is better.

There are TOTALLY Naughty looks. They're there. And that's why Nadia's all snitty to Vaughn. 'Cause she doesn't want her sister to know about the burning passion she feels inside for Vaughn. Hold me!

Over in Uncle Inappropriate's Lair, Dixon is called in. They discuss Sloane doing his job, and Dixon doing his, and how Dixon was super, SUPER dumb to have never questioned SD-6 for the ten-plus years he worked for them. Is this the same man who told Sark not to tease "[his] people" because of their blind loyalty? Whatever. Animosity abounds. Because Dixon killed Emily by accident, and then Sloane blowed up Diane on PURPOSE. Stupid bastards.

Daddy and Syd and Vaughn go on a trip. This would've been awkward if it weren't for the whole "let's take it slow" policy being employed this week. They're waiting to go out, and Syd is wearing this pretty little robe, holding a mug of tea and spacing out on everything Daddy and Vaughn are saying. She raises her mug to take a drink. ONLY THERE'S A GIANT TARANTULA IN IT. HOLY MOTHER OF SNAP.

Syd does what, you know, any mentally sane (or insane, apparently) person would do: she drops the mug. Unlike a sane person, who would curse the spilled tea before stomping that muthafucka to death, the tea appears to Syd to be blood. In the words of the Australians, WTF^, mate?

Syd looks up from her tea-soaked front to see the stares of Daddy and Vaughn directed at her. "Uh... the tea was hotter than I thought," she says lamely. Like scalding hot tea wouldn't suck worse all over you chest. "I'm gonna go go change." No, go in your white kimono, babe. Really!

Syd goes to a goth club wearing this bizarre hair piece that was kinda pretty but looked like there was a mistake in the back, and she had this cape, with this thing- it was a crazy ensemble, y'all. And the men-folk looked out of place in a goth club. C'mon, Vaughn, don't you remember last season? THE EYELINER, MAN! Bring it back! Come on!

Anyway, Syd goes to meet The Count, and I don't know about you, but I kept thinking, "Ten batty-bats, a-ha-ha-ha-ha." Sesame Street, my friends. Hee. Anyway. They chat. He wants to know where Depravo is. Syd's all, well, he was tied up. So he sent me. The Count doesn't bite, but she coerces him. So they go up to this balcony. Yeah, because so many clubs have private balconies. Whatever.

As they're walking to teh balcony, Syd starts hallucinating that PEOPLE ARE WATCHING HER! Holy snap! All these chicks are raising their glasses to her, and it's super creepy- at least, until she sees Vaughn making out with Lauren. DAMN STRAIGHT. JJ, how many times must I see that beautiful blonde mop before it truly is Lauren and I can rejoice? I miss Renny! Bring her back!

Blah blah, Syd and the Count chat, he wants to kill Syd 'cause he doesn't trust her, Syd doesn't much like that idea, so they fight, gunfire, Vaughn comes to save his woman, he and the Count fall down the stairs, Vaughn gets a boo boo. In the end, the Dream Team is victorious and they all go back to the hotel.

Boring spy stuff about the drugs and selling at Depravo and his wife and Nocturne and I'm not really paying attention because The Count- whose name is Andre- becomes a hallucination for Dame Demented over there. He tells her that she's dying now and her brain is becoming swiss cheese and then he takes the gun and shoots himself in the preferred method of those suffering from Nocturne: shoots himself in the jaw.

Psych!

Syd gasps, and Daddy and Vaughn look at her, the inkling that she might not be all right in the head starting to dawn on them both. They decide to go to R2-D2 to chat with Sloane and the Indian Doctor, who makes me think of Mrs. Barkow because he's Indian. While Dr. Barkow and Sloane are talking to them, Syd hallucinates that Sloane replaces Vaughn and starts saying about how she's starting to trust him and how he is totally gonna eat her alive and barbecue her sister and make lampshades out of Vaughn and screw her mother- yeah. Whatever. What else is new?

Syd leaps up and goes to yell at Andre, who I totally have decided that I love. He's just beyond adorable, in a rat-like way. And he makes me think of a muppet. (Like Laurie! LAUREN COME BACK!)

So, after intimidating Andre into telling them that he gave Depravo a bad batch of Nocturne so that he could get paid, everyone realizes that Syd could die, including Syd herself, who just kinda folds up in a corner. It was cute. And I still love Andre.

Back in LA, Weiss and Gira are brainstorming. Eric figures out that what the lady from the Hitch previews said in dutch might have other than a literal translation. They could up with a location instead. This information is relayed to the Dream Team. Daddy grimly growls that they're going to Prague.

In Prague, Daddy sends Vaughn off to go find the antidote for the Nocturne, but before he leaves, they have, in what is presumably a hallucination, that Syd is no where near as trustworthy as Irina (HEE!) and he's gonna kill her.

Oh, Syd, baby. That's just absurd! NO ONE loves you more than Daddy. No one.

Vaughn is down with that idea, by the way. Vaugh leaves, and when Daddy pulls out a bottle of water and Syd thinkds it's a gun, she realizes that she might be slightly insane, so she asks Daddy if they've got any tranquilizers. Well, no. Okay, Syd says, then you better tie me up. So Daddy does. And if badfic writers twist that in any way...

Anyway, while Vaughn does things involved with the eventual procural of the Nocturne-antidote, Jennifer Garner and Victor enter the Mr. and Mrs. Universe competition in acting muscles and WIN THE TITLES. Syd hallucinates that Daddy hates her and wants to kill her so that she'll shut up- just like her mother, just like why he killed her mother. Daddy, for real, is acting like The Best Daddy ever. Syd freaks out when NightmareDaddy compares her to Irina; RealDaddy tries to comfort her. NightmareDaddy tells Syd he's gonna kill her and there ain't nothin' she can do about it 'cause she be bound! And there is no safety word in this game.

Syd decides that she's not so hot on the bondage idea anymore, but as Daddy is a smart man who won't untie her (hee.) this doesn't seem to be likely. So Sydney has the presence of mind to play on Jack's ultimate, if not single, weakness: his love for his baby.

"Daddy?" Syd whimpers, and I don't care what Regina says, and I don't care what subtitles will tell me, Syd whimpers the third utterance of 'Daddy' on this show, so BITE ME. "Will you hug me?"

Jack, of course, melts. His baby. Asking for a hug. After hating him for a couple months, she wants a hug. His reason for living is returning his affection! OF COURSE HE WILL.

So, Daddy hugs his baby. And the baby headbutts him. "Sydney, no!" he shouts, but psycho Syd probably hears him taunting him, so Sydney knocks him out. Syd escapes.

In the lab of bad batches, Vaughn finds the antidote. He goes outside. He hears Syd's pathetically adorable cries for help. When he reaches her, he finds SpyDaddy "dead." Yeah, dead in the sense that Mommy is, and Danny is, and Papa Vaughn is. Whatever. Anyway, Vaughn's all, Syd, baby, what did you do? Syd's all, MEEEP! I DON'T KNOW! And then when Vaughn reaches down to see if, you know, Daddy is really dead, Syd gets a gun on him. Yeah, I don't know either. Anyway, she starts freaking out on him. Honestly, it's straight out of every teenaged movie ever: Carrie and She's All That and 10 Things I Hate About You- the scene where the unlucky, unpopular chick confronts the suave, gorgeous popular boy who dated her or tricked her or whatever for a bet and now the chick has found out and she is going to EAT HIM! She even brings up Lauren, which is just so last summer. Two hands in a 'W' formation, Syd.

Then, when Vaughn's denial of taking the money- the bet meant nothing to him, Kat, Laney, NOTHING- Syd tries to shoot him in the face.

Okay. Can I die now? Weiss totally said that Jack would shoot him in the face, and now SYDNEY tried to! It's great! I love it!

Anyway, turns out Syd's gun has no bullets- imagine that- and so the SyVa fight ensues. In all truth, I was very proud of Vaughn for holding out as long as he did. Especially when Syd bit him. And the fact that he was fighting his mentally ill girlfriend certainly meant he was holding back a little. And he kept up for a while! I was so proud! The fact that Syd wasn't in top form is nonwithstanding. I thought he'd be out in two punches. Really. Anyway, Syd would've killed Vaughn (he ain't that good) except Daddy- who wasn't dead!- pops up like a daisy and like, knocks Syd out through lack of oxygen. Whatever. SpyDaddy was the genius who took the bullets out of the lunatic's gun, mad props to him. Anyway, Vaughn administers the antidote. Yay.

Back at APO, there's an award ceremony for everyone. Princess Leia comes, and she's about to award Han when- oh. Wait.

At APO, Sloane thinks Dixon ROCKS for being right about Syd. Even though he didn't listen. And he doesn't really say Dixon rocks. But whatever.

Dixon, though, gets this great speech. I mean, I kinda wondered why Dixon was working there at APO with Sloane- remember him? Short, Jewish, SEXY BEAST-like, the guy who killed his wife? Yeah! Him!- but I didn't question it. I never do. But now we know.

He's waiting for Sloane to fuck up.

I mean, honestly, that's what he's waiting for. He's waiting for Sloane to fuck up so that he can fuck Sloane up. That's it. And even if he gets fired from APO, even if he has to attack Sloane when he's in a wheelchair and Sloane is nothing but a giant face inside a tube like Zordon from Power Rangers- he will. Don't worry about it. That, and Sloane's toxic. Oh, Britney. "With a taste of your lips, I'm on a ride. You're toxic, I'm slipping under."

And Sloane nods like, that's right, my friend. That's right. God bless.

And then Dixon walks out and you totally know Sloane's gonna kill him. MEEP. Conflicting emotions- I LOVE THEM BOTH.

Now to the hospital, so we can end with a tinge of SyVa. It's weird SyVa, though. It seems that in season 4, the new thing is "Quick, Disjointed SyVa moments" instead of, "Quick, Make Sydney Cry! moments." You crazy, faddish writers, you.

Anyway, Vaughn comes to visit Syd for about a minute. There's a strange, chaste kiss with no surrounding emotion. But whatever- there's a GIANT SPIDER ON THE BED.

I'm sorry. If there's a spider in my hospital bed, I am SO OUT OF THERE. This is the girl who dropped tea on her chest to escape the spider in the teacup- but nothing when it's ON HER BED? The HELL?

Well, it's not a hallucination, but instead of killing it- like normal people- Vaughn scoops it up. And then he gives this anvilicious speech about how his Dad saved spiders for good luck. Meaning that Papa Vaughn totally engineered the whole Nocturne crap, is totally alive, and is coming to a theatre near you.

WHAT I LEARNED FROM THIS EPISODE

- Don't go into scary hallways under sinks
- Don't kill spiders
- Don't fuck with Dixon
- Don't fuck with Sloane
- Papa Vaughn is most certainly alive

and, the moral:

If you save a spider, you keep your sanity.

THE END.

Next week on Alias:

Syd n' Gira go on a mission to the song my Mom used to sing to me and my sister. SpySisters? Writers, I love you.

Comments

[thepodsquad.livejournal.com]

- Don't go into scary hallways under sinks

You gotta wonder at which point this seemed like a good idea. ;)

And hee, I love your recaps. You're so adorable!!

Is it bad that my favourite scene of the episode was SyVaHockey, mostly because it was cute, but also incredibly because it had hockey and I AM SO EFFING DEPRIVED OF MY BEAUTIFUL SPORT?

[dollsome.livejournal.com]

OKAY. So, apparently, my comment exceeds the comment length. Or something. So you're going to get two. You lucky girl!

Eee! I love you. And I'm going to comment as I go. Because it's more fun that way.

Oooh, the beginning of this episode me made me so happy. It was way X-Files-ish, and really, I cannot complain.

The hockey! I squealed all through the hockey, and my mother looked at me like a crazy person and asked in this disinterested sort of way if they had done that in season two, because she remembered it. (I had to show her select scenes from ADT, y'know.) I said yes, and kept on squealing. Somehow, she did not seem quite as delighted as I.

Dude, I love the scene where Syd and Daddy are checking out the house and Syd goes into the room and such. It's just so fantastically genuinely creepy. Alias needs more creepiness on occasion. Because it's just That. Awesome. And when the dude tried to bite Syd, and with the blood and everything? So. Damn. Freaky. I was mightily impressed.

She looks sweetly at Eric when he talks like, yeah. He's my boyfriend. Like she totally doesn't know she's sleeping with Vaughn and Daddy.

*dead* Sigh. Dude, I am so not down with Naughty and Nack. Nack because I kinda have this natural inclination to believe that Daddy's her daddy, not Sloane, and Naughty because . . . I'm just a Neiss girl at heart? *snickers* Oh, man. Best ship names ever.

God, did I hate Syd this episode. Mostly.

Is it weird that I didn't? I mean, I felt bad for poor adorable Vaughn, but I wasn't mad at Syd at all. Maybe because I put up with Buffy for seven seasons, and she was whiny like that pretty often. But I still <3 her throughout anyway, because she's Buffy and she's awesome.

Well . . . except in season seven.

Then she just needs someone to kick her.

You do not know Annoying Heroine until you've seen season seven Buffy. I'm just sayin'.

(Wow. Ramble.)

Oooh, I love the Syd-in-the-shiny-not!apt-bathroom scene. The lighting is gorgeous. It's all so creepy! And then, y'know, spider.

Neiss is THE CUTEST THING EVER. I think it must be my more fluffy Alias OTP. Y'know, the one where there aren't seventy two different levels of angst and betrayal and one of them didn't "kill" the other one because the other one wanted to "kill" their baby girl. What-ever, J.J.

Well . . . okay, Neiss can't compete. But they are still So. Damn. Cute. <3 <3 <3. They make <'s and 3's just come together. It's like a supernatural force. <3

That would suck if Syd's brain melted.

CARRIE LIVES! I'm excited. I mean, it kind of shows that J.J. has grown as a person, don't you think?

Now they just need to put her on the show. Y'know, as proof. And . . . okay, I gotta say, you know who else I miss, like, a lot, even though I probably shouldn't? Barnett. It just isn't the same without her!!

(Even though I am totally okay with it if she and Sloane very much away from each other for the rest of, y'know, oh, ever.)

[dollsome.livejournal.com]

I honestly cannot get how Teddy and Dixon can stand to be in the same room. That just blows my mind.

Because Dixon killed Emily by accident, and then Sloane blowed up Diane on PURPOSE.

I will stand by Sloane on this until the day I die. Heh. I'm so bad. Maybe I'm a little bit toxic, just like Uncle Inappropriate . . .

(Bshwee!)

Oooh, I love the tarantula-and-subsequent-tea/blood-spillage. It's so creepy! Creepy looks so, so good on this show. It just does.

*gasp!* Vaughn slacked on the eyeliner! He totally did! I didn't even think of that because I was too busy visualizing what kind of icons I'd make with the vampiress!Syd alias. Shame on me!

JJ, how many times must I see that beautiful blonde mop before it truly is Lauren and I can rejoice? I miss Renny! Bring her back!

Wooooooooord.

he is totally gonna eat her alive and barbecue her sister and make lampshades out of Vaughn and screw her mother- yeah.

Dude -- when you're toxic like Arvin, you do what you gotta do. And if that means Lampshades de Vaughn, so be it.

Okay, Syd says, then you better tie me up. So Daddy does. And if badfic writers twist that in any way...

Oh God. Le shudder.

"Daddy?" Syd whimpers, and I don't care what Regina says, and I don't care what subtitles will tell me, Syd whimpers the third utterance of 'Daddy' on this show, so BITE ME.

SHE SO SAID DADDY! See, I read the Regina recap and a transcript and everything, and they all said "Dad," but that made me upset because she's saying Daddy. And it makes the scene even more sad. And they can all just . . . go be Syd-whimpering-'Daddy'-less, because she said that. She so said that.

Evil!Daddy was so, so scary, and real!Daddy made me want to burst into tears and hug him and squeal all at once. Victor Garber? Yeah. Likewhoa.

Weiss totally said that Jack would shoot him in the face, and now SYDNEY tried to!

And Jack's the reason he didn't get shot in the face! Dude. Le irony.

And then Dixon walks out and you totally know Sloane's gonna kill him.

Eee! That totally freaked me out. That speech was awesome, but at the same time I was just like, 'Eep, no! Dix! Shut up! He's going to KILL YOU.'

The SyVa does keep getting all weird in s4. What's up with that? And I wanted to see a Syd/Daddy follow-up moment, but nooo.

Well . . . I guess it was worth it, because we found out about Vaughn, oh, I dunno, BEING SPIDERMAN. (Of course, that was all The Other Hannah. I doubt I coulda come up with that on my own. She is brilliant in ways I'll never know.)

And, eee, SpySisters tomorrow! Score. I'm psyched. Psyyyyched, I say.

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

Oh, Vaughn is totally Spiderman.

*dies*