sunshine_queen | So there, Ted Casabastard!

hansoloismyheroo: did you read in touch this week?
SpyBarbie047: nope
SpyBarbie047: why?
hansoloismyheroo: jennifer garner was asked, "are you and michael still going strong?" and she said, "yes, i'm happy to say we are"
SpyBarbie047: SQUEE
SpyBarbie047: so there, TED CASABASTARD!

Yesterday I spent the whole day driving around Miami Lakes. Mom and I got lost like whoa a couple thousand times, but it was fun as all. We found a Krispy Kreme (!!!), we went to Laurenzo's Italian Market (which rocks somethin' fierce) and then we went to see 13 going on 30 again.

Came home and went online, and Tess and I continued our RP as Syd and Vaughn, which is just TOO MUCH FUN for words.

SpyBarbie047: *nods* mmhmm
SpyBarbie047: you forgot all about poor sunny
IellaWessiri84: I thought you left
SpyBarbie047: i did
SpyBarbie047: and then i came back
IellaWessiri84: lol
SpyBarbie047: like syd.
SpyBarbie047: like irina.
IellaWessiri84: But I was MARRIED!
SpyBarbie047: like billy.
IellaWessiri84: TEH GASP!
SpyBarbie047: YOU SHOULD'VE WAITED!
IellaWessiri84: lol
SpyBarbie047: I would've!
IellaWessiri84: Oh, you would not :-P
SpyBarbie047: It comes down to FAITH, you bastard!
SpyBarbie047: I so would've
SpyBarbie047: I mean, you were the one that it took to get me over the other dude, so unless another you came along-
IellaWessiri84: HOW long was it after you lost Danny that you started putting the moves on me? :-P
SpyBarbie047: which, given my life, is not entirely out of the question...
IellaWessiri84: LOL
SpyBarbie047: dude, i didn't go back to SD-6 for SIX MONTHS after danny died.
IellaWessiri84: Yeal
IellaWessiri84: Yeah, I mean
SpyBarbie047: and then it wasn't until a week or so after I got back that I went to the CIA
IellaWessiri84: Well, I dropped off the face of the earth for SIX MONTHS after you died!
SpyBarbie047: and then it was another few months after THAT before I even started dealing with you
SpyBarbie047: and then you got MARRIED
SpyBarbie047: WE DIDN'T EVEN GET MARRIED!
SpyBarbie047: I NEVER SAW YOUR APARTMENT! YOU TOOK HER HOME!
IellaWessiri84: I learned my lesson!
SpyBarbie047: and took her home?
IellaWessiri84: Wasting time leads to DEAD GIRLFRIENDS!
SpyBarbie047: that was the lesson my death taught you>
IellaWessiri84: Well, the big one
SpyBarbie047: take girls home on the FIRST DATE?
IellaWessiri84: Er, not the first one
SpyBarbie047: my death taught you to be a MANWHORE
SpyBarbie047: that's great.
IellaWessiri84: Uh . . . you're mad aren't you?
SpyBarbie047: me? uh, tcha
SpyBarbie047: i wake up
SpyBarbie047: TOTALLY THINKING that it's been, what, a day? maybe two?
SpyBarbie047: and that we're heading for Santa Monica so that I can have the first vacation I've had in several months
IellaWessiri84: Well, listen, you obviously don't know what it's like
SpyBarbie047: and, oops, I wake up and YOU'RE MARRIED.
IellaWessiri84: Spending TWO YEARS trying to get over you!
SpyBarbie047: And I've been dead for TWO YEARS
SpyBarbie047: YOU GOT MARRIED! HELLO?
SpyBarbie047: You obviously got over me just fine!
IellaWessiri84: It cost less than drinking :-P
SpyBarbie047: true.
SpyBarbie047: But, dude.
SpyBarbie047: You know how our lives go.
IellaWessiri84: How was I supposed to know?
SpyBarbie047: Didn't the whole happily ever after thing seem a wee bit out of place for one of us?
IellaWessiri84: My DAD DIED, and HE never came back!
SpyBarbie047: I mean, i get to die in a fire and you get to have the picket fence and 2.5 kids? how is that fair?
SpyBarbie047: *snort* Don't count on that for too long, baby.
IellaWessiri84: Hey, now, I don't have any kids!
SpyBarbie047: not yet!
SpyBarbie047: but i know what married couples do!
IellaWessiri84: *winces* don't make me think about it
SpyBarbie047: hell, i know what YOU do!
SpyBarbie047: *shudders* ew.
IellaWessiri84: We're not ready for that kind of commitment yet, anyway
SpyBarbie047: us?
SpyBarbie047: US?
SpyBarbie047: we're not?
IellaWessiri84: Er, no, not us
SpyBarbie047: oh, that us
SpyBarbie047: you're an 'us' now?
IellaWessiri84: It would be weird for us to have kids
SpyBarbie047: Us as in not me?
SpyBarbie047: Yeah, it would.
SpyBarbie047: 'Cause then you'd never truly be rid of her.
IellaWessiri84: Sydney, be nice
SpyBarbie047: I think I've earned the right to be a bit snippy. I have two years of lost snippiness to make up for.
IellaWessiri84: Well, be nice, because she never did anything to you
SpyBarbie047: Um, who is she married to?
SpyBarbie047: Who?
IellaWessiri84: Oh, Syd, be reasonable
SpyBarbie047: Me? Reasonable?
IellaWessiri84: it's not like she married me out of spite towards you!
SpyBarbie047: I was dead, of course not!
SpyBarbie047: And you married her.
SpyBarbie047: *sniffles*
SpyBarbie047: You chose her... you took her home...
SpyBarbie047: you didn't even want to come and rescue me in Hong Kong...
IellaWessiri84: Syd
IellaWessiri84: I did too!
SpyBarbie047: you didn't want to look for me with my Dad...
SpyBarbie047: you don't love me- you love her...
IellaWessiri84: Syd, I've always loved you, you know that
IellaWessiri84: but I had to move on, to survive
SpyBarbie047: And you did a great job. Way to go, Darwin. The fittest survived.
SpyBarbie047: And now I'm back.
SpyBarbie047: And you go right on surviving.
IellaWessiri84: Do you want me to drink myself to death?
IellaWessiri84: Is that what you wanted?
SpyBarbie047: Now? Of course not!
SpyBarbie047: That's what I'm doing, so don't be a copy cat.
IellaWessiri84: They told me, on my wedding day, that it's what you would have wanted
SpyBarbie047: Weiss is like, the stoli king.
IellaWessiri84: He lets you drink too much, doesn't he?
SpyBarbie047: If i had been dead, yes, i would've wanted you to move on and be happy.
IellaWessiri84: but you were dead!
SpyBarbie047: But, I'm sorry, I can't think that way now, because I'm alive and I don't have you.
SpyBarbie047: Instead, I have tequila. And Stoli. And lots of other alcoholic beverages. And frozen dinners. And no friends other than Weiss.
IellaWessiri84: Well, is it my fault you never go out?
SpyBarbie047: By the time it's time to go out I'm already liquored up, so it doesn't matter.
IellaWessiri84: Syd, you'd probably make more friends if you stopped drinking so much
SpyBarbie047: where do you suggest I make friends, Vaughn?
SpyBarbie047: Should I join a gym, or something? I don't get enough exercise, you're right.
SpyBarbie047: Or maybe I should join a sewing circle! That's it!
IellaWessiri84: Syd, don't get like this. I'm just saying, it wouldn't hurt you to go out sometimes
SpyBarbie047: Don't get like what, Vaughn? Defensive?
IellaWessiri84: Rude?
SpyBarbie047: I'm being rude.
IellaWessiri84: Closing yourself off behind a wall of sarcasm?
SpyBarbie047: You're commenting on my lack of social life and I'm being rude.
IellaWessiri84: You said you have no friends
SpyBarbie047: Well, what should I hide behind?
IellaWessiri84: And I know you're likable, Syd
SpyBarbie047: I have ONE.
IellaWessiri84: when you're not like this
SpyBarbie047: I have Weiss.
SpyBarbie047: And Marshall and Dixon at work.
SpyBarbie047: Francie got shot and then replaced.
SpyBarbie047: And Will's in the WPP.
SpyBarbie047: And my boyfriend is married.
SpyBarbie047: And said boyfriend is now telling me to get out more.
IellaWessiri84: Because I don't like to see you hurt
IellaWessiri84: Is that a crime now?
SpyBarbie047: *jaw drops*
SpyBarbie047: Well, I'm sorry.
SpyBarbie047: I'm sorry for not being a ray of sunshine.
IellaWessiri84: I never said it was your fault
IellaWessiri84: Don't put words in my mouth
IellaWessiri84: I just want . . . Look, Syd. I just want you to be happy again
SpyBarbie047: How am I supposed to reply to this, Vaughn?
SpyBarbie047: Believe it or not, I'd like to be happy again, too.
IellaWessiri84: But all you do is lock yourself in your house
IellaWessiri84: and drink yourself into a stupor!
SpyBarbie047: Let me guess, I should go out and find myself a nice boy.
IellaWessiri84: It's not healthy
SpyBarbie047: One that I can take home to meet the folks.
IellaWessiri84: He'd have to be brave, to meet your folks
SpyBarbie047: Sure, we might have to track down my terrorist, fugitive mother.
SpyBarbie047: And my father would make the Nazi's third degree look like child's play...
IellaWessiri84: Syd, I don't want to push you into anything. It's my last intention
SpyBarbie047: but even if he was brave enough to survive all those tests... I still wouldn't be happy. And it sucks, Vaughn, it really sucks.
IellaWessiri84: You don't need to find a boyfriend if you're not looking for one. I can understand. You're still in shock. But you need to do something. Live your life.
IellaWessiri84: God, I'm sorry for living!
IellaWessiri84: I wanted to die
SpyBarbie047: I'm no stranger to that feeling, Vaughn. I've had it several times.
IellaWessiri84: The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you
SpyBarbie047: You want to know the real bad part?
SpyBarbie047: And you have to promise you'll keep quiet about this, or they'll send me to Barnett for sure.
IellaWessiri84: And that's a horrifying thought
IellaWessiri84: Barnett creeps me out
SpyBarbie047: But in the night- not even after I've been drinking a lot, just when I'm lying there- quit trying to make me laugh!
IellaWessiri84: Sorry ;-)
SpyBarbie047: When I'm lying there, I realize that... it would've been better if I had been dead, if I hadn't come back and screwed your life up. You don't deserve to have to worry about me, not when you have a new wife. Weiss shouldn't have to babysit me or pour my drinks for me, my dad shouldn't have to feel the need to check up on me to make sure I haven't slit my wrists yet, and you shouldn't have to feel guilt.
IellaWessiri84: Oh, God, Syd, it's not your fault that you're alive!
SpyBarbie047: Well, it has to be someone's.
SpyBarbie047: Might as well be mine.
IellaWessiri84: It's the bastards who took you away from us
SpyBarbie047: Well, we can't get them, can we. We can't back my two years, I can't get my life back. There's no use in blaming anyone, but God, I want to.
IellaWessiri84: You can't live in the past forever, Syd
IellaWessiri84: I learned that while you were gone
SpyBarbie047: You need a past to move forward.
SpyBarbie047: And I'm missing mine.
SpyBarbie047: And my future... it's pretty bleak, actually. If you take a good look at where I'm heading, it ain't pretty.
IellaWessiri84: It's that way for the whole world, since you died
SpyBarbie047: I highly doubt the whole world cared
SpyBarbie047: I can name about five people it might've effected
SpyBarbie047: And they all seem just fine now.
IellaWessiri84: We're not fine, Syd
IellaWessiri84: I'm not fine
SpyBarbie047: Neither am I. What a pair we make.
SpyBarbie047: Or don't make. Sorry.
IellaWessiri84: I'm sorry. I wish things were different
SpyBarbie047: So do I.
IellaWessiri84: I wish there was something I could do
IellaWessiri84: to make this stop
IellaWessiri84: I hate what it does to you
SpyBarbie047: You worry too much about me.
SpyBarbie047: It makes your forehead wrinkle.
IellaWessiri84: You just told me you thought you were better off DEAD!
IellaWessiri84: Of course I worry
SpyBarbie047: You worried before I told you that.
IellaWessiri84: Well, yes
IellaWessiri84: because you're so sad
IellaWessiri84: and it's my fault
SpyBarbie047: It's not your fault.
IellaWessiri84: I mean, in retrospect, I should have waited. Looked for you.
IellaWessiri84: but you know what they say about hindsight
SpyBarbie047: You did what you needed to do to survive.
SpyBarbie047: And I'm glad, really. It would've been worse to find you dead or something. Marriage was a nicer alternative.
IellaWessiri84: It's not the same thing?
SpyBarbie047: That's true.
IellaWessiri84: At least if I was dead, you wouldn't have to see me every day
SpyBarbie047: It was nicer for you at the time.
SpyBarbie047: And if I were dead, you wouldn't have to see me everyday.
SpyBarbie047: I could leave, you know.
IellaWessiri84: but I like seeing you
IellaWessiri84: where would you go?
SpyBarbie047: I'm sure I could find somewhere.
IellaWessiri84: The people who love you are here
SpyBarbie047: The people I love are here.
SpyBarbie047: But I don't want you tormented on my account.
IellaWessiri84: I'll just worry more if I don't know how you are
SpyBarbie047: If you worried more, your forehead would be beyond help, and your eyebrows would disappear.
IellaWessiri84: Stop trying to make me laugh :-P
IellaWessiri84: And see? For the sake of my wonderful countenance, you need to stay in LA
SpyBarbie047: :-)Sorry.
SpyBarbie047: I'm more trouble than I'm worth.
IellaWessiri84: You are not
SpyBarbie047: I am too
IellaWessiri84: Stop trying to blame yourself for everything!
SpyBarbie047: What should I do then?
IellaWessiri84: I don't know!
IellaWessiri84: I don't even know what I should do!
SpyBarbie047: that makes two of us.
SpyBarbie047: I have got to stop saying things like that.
IellaWessiri84: You don't need to apologize for that
SpyBarbie047: Yes, I do.
SpyBarbie047: It's not appropriate anymore.
IellaWessiri84: Syd, we're still friends
IellaWessiri84: aren't we?
SpyBarbie047: I feel like we can't even be friends anymore, because there's a line somewhere, and I can't find it, because I crossed it, and we blurred it, and it's gone now
SpyBarbie047: and I'm not allowed to go past it anymore.
IellaWessiri84: I can't lose you again. You can always talk to me, you know that?
SpyBarbie047: *nods* I do.
SpyBarbie047: I can talk to you... but not like I used to.
IellaWessiri84: Well, no, because we can't do half the things we used to
IellaWessiri84: I still . . . you know, talking to you, like this, it's like the two years never passed for me either
SpyBarbie047: Thanks for the reminder.
SpyBarbie047: But they did. And now... I can't call you in the middle of the night.
SpyBarbie047: And I never get phone calls for the wrong number anymore.
IellaWessiri84: I sometimes get phone calls for the psych ward
IellaWessiri84: and I'm starting to wonder if they're really wrong numbers
SpyBarbie047: maybe they think you're in the loony bin.
SpyBarbie047: or maybe weiss and i get really drunk.
SpyBarbie047: it's really a toss up.
IellaWessiri84: True, I wouldn't put that past Weiss
SpyBarbie047: what about me? i never got blind-drunk in front of you.
IellaWessiri84: Oh, I remember one time . . .
IellaWessiri84: but you never made any prank phone calls ;-)
IellaWessiri84: Sorry
IellaWessiri84: Shouldn't have brought that up
SpyBarbie047: i'm sure i had other things to keep me busy at the time.
IellaWessiri84: That was inappropriate of me, wasn't it?
IellaWessiri84: This is more difficult than I thought it would be
SpyBarbie047: Yeah.
SpyBarbie047: You mean it was never this difficult when I was in your head?
IellaWessiri84: When you were in my head, you laughed more
SpyBarbie047: you weren't married then.
SpyBarbie047: I'm sorry.
IellaWessiri84: I was killing myself!
SpyBarbie047: When did I stop talking?
SpyBarbie047: Vaughn, I know, really. I don't mock your pain.
IellaWessiri84: Our third date, you stopped. you just left
SpyBarbie047: how rude of me.
IellaWessiri84: The first date was awful. You kept making snarky remarks about her eyebrows, like you would have if we'd seen her at the hockey game
SpyBarbie047: Oh, God, I did?
SpyBarbie047: That's terrible.
SpyBarbie047: Where did you take her?
IellaWessiri84: I . . . you know, where the old bookstore used to be?
SpyBarbie047: The one with the Tolstoy display you knocked over?
IellaWessiri84: They put up an Italian restaurant there four months after you disappeared
IellaWessiri84: Yes, that one
SpyBarbie047: Symbolic.
IellaWessiri84: I couldn't let go of you, I guess
SpyBarbie047: So they knocked me down with a wrecking ball?
SpyBarbie047: Such a sweet analogy.
IellaWessiri84: You were still there
SpyBarbie047: in the restaurant?
IellaWessiri84: It you put the display back up, in the middle of the restaurant
SpyBarbie047: we never even had Italian together. We were holding out for Trattoria di Nardi.
IellaWessiri84: You said that then
IellaWessiri84: I bought you something
IellaWessiri84: she thought I was insane. I'm amazed she ever talked to me again
SpyBarbie047: I don't understand.
IellaWessiri84: You wanted some pasta dish, with a funky name I couldn't even pronounce
IellaWessiri84: I ordered it for you, but you wouldn't touch it
SpyBarbie047: Well, I can understand that...
IellaWessiri84: Well you weren't real
SpyBarbie047: *nods* I'm sorry
IellaWessiri84: I think, the first night, I talked to you more than her
IellaWessiri84: It was such a dark time, and she helped me to live again. In the real world.
SpyBarbie047: And I'm grateful to her for that.
SpyBarbie047: Truly, I am.
SpyBarbie047: I would order her an arrangement of flowers, even.
IellaWessiri84: She doesn't understand, either, she'd be angry
SpyBarbie047: Then, or now?
IellaWessiri84: Now. She thinks . . . I shouldn't even be telling you this
SpyBarbie047: She hates me.
SpyBarbie047: And I don't blame her.
IellaWessiri84: I didn't say that
IellaWessiri84: She's just adjusting
SpyBarbie047: Better than what I'm doing.
IellaWessiri84: I don't know. Not really better, just different
SpyBarbie047: What does she think about me?
IellaWessiri84: Do you really want to hear this?
SpyBarbie047: I'm a Bristow. We're indestructible.
SpyBarbie047: For the most part.
IellaWessiri84: Sometimes you just seem so fragile
SpyBarbie047: She said that?
IellaWessiri84: I said that
IellaWessiri84: She's still kind of in denial
IellaWessiri84: She seems to think you came back just to hurt her
SpyBarbie047: Seems like I went through a lot of trouble to bother someone I don't know.
IellaWessiri84: I told her that
IellaWessiri84: She didn't take it well
SpyBarbie047: Great minds.
IellaWessiri84: She'll come around, though. Things have just been happening so fast
SpyBarbie047: Vaughn, I hate to snap at you- but what do you think will happen when she 'comes around'?
IellaWessiri84: You two will be able to work in the same building
SpyBarbie047: That we'll be able to have dinner together, the three of us? That Lauren and I will go shopping together?
IellaWessiri84: without me having to worry about coming into work and collecting a plastic bag full of you two's remains?
SpyBarbie047: Ah, the fate of your eyebrows resides within our ability to coexist peacefully.
IellaWessiri84: You'll have to work with her sometime, Syd
IellaWessiri84: she's our NSC liason
SpyBarbie047: And I will cross that bridge when I get to it
IellaWessiri84: She's angry at me, like I made this happen
SpyBarbie047: Well, it's definitely not yours.
SpyBarbie047: Mine, maybe.
SpyBarbie047: Don't argue.
SpyBarbie047: We've done that before.
IellaWessiri84: And she wants to drag me to counselling, because she thinks I'll leave her for you . . . I'm being inappropriate again
SpyBarbie047: Slighty.
SpyBarbie047: *ly
IellaWessiri84: I miss being able to talk to you
IellaWessiri84: without having to censor myself all the time
SpyBarbie047: I miss you.
SpyBarbie047: And that was inappropriate.
IellaWessiri84: I know, I realized once I'd said it
IellaWessiri84: but it was too late
IellaWessiri84: That's kind of the story of my life, it seems
SpyBarbie047: I meant that I had said something inappropriate
SpyBarbie047: Half the time, it seems, the truth is not the truth at all, the other half, my truth seems to be inappropriate.
IellaWessiri84: But honesty is more important, isn't it?
SpyBarbie047: You want to be honest?
SpyBarbie047: Ideally, honesty is better.
SpyBarbie047: But to maintain certain boundaries... honesty gets ditched in favor of propriety.
IellaWessiri84: Right, I know. Sometimes when we talk like this, I forget things.
SpyBarbie047: Me too. And I miss that.
IellaWessiri84: I miss you, the way we used to be
IellaWessiri84: and I'm beyond caring whether that's appropriate
SpyBarbie047: I miss you, full stop.
SpyBarbie047: I miss even the stupid little things.
IellaWessiri84: Me too, the things I thought I wouldn't miss are the things that bother me the most now
SpyBarbie047: It's just this void.
SpyBarbie047: And I had it before, but it was different, because I didn't know what should go there.
IellaWessiri84: You know what I miss?
IellaWessiri84: It's really stupid
SpyBarbie047: But now I do know. And I'm so, so sick of having to worry about being appropriate.
SpyBarbie047: What?
IellaWessiri84: but I miss the way you used to leave all the hair from your hairbrush all over the shower
SpyBarbie047: And don't you dare lie and say my cooking.
IellaWessiri84: Oh, no
IellaWessiri84: Although I miss laughing with you about your cooking :-P
SpyBarbie047: I miss the way you used to bump my elbow because you're a leftie.
SpyBarbie047: I don't cook anymore, which might be considered a blessing by some.
IellaWessiri84: And the way you always yelled at me for leaving clothes lying around, but somehow, your socks were always all over the floor
IellaWessiri84: You don't cook?
IellaWessiri84: Why not?
SpyBarbie047: I miss the way you would warm my feet at night.
IellaWessiri84: Your feet are cold
IellaWessiri84: It's unnatural
SpyBarbie047: I apologize for them.
SpyBarbie047: I don't cook because it's just me
SpyBarbie047: what's the point?
IellaWessiri84: Well, you eat, don't you?
SpyBarbie047: no, i suck blood from the foolish who roam the streets at night
SpyBarbie047: of course i eat.
IellaWessiri84: That sounds more like something your dad would do :-P
SpyBarbie047: Nice.
IellaWessiri84: Well, more from me than from random people
IellaWessiri84: and with a gun
SpyBarbie047: He doesn't dislike you that much.
IellaWessiri84: Want to bet?
IellaWessiri84: He used to just mildly dislike me
IellaWessiri84: and then he saw . . . you know . . . and he actively hated me
SpyBarbie047: You're still alive, aren't you?
IellaWessiri84: and then you died, and he despised me
IellaWessiri84: Only because he knows you'd be pissed if he killed me
SpyBarbie047: Why didn't he off you when I was dead, then?
IellaWessiri84: Because I spent most of that time out of the country
IellaWessiri84: and he spent most of it in solitary
SpyBarbie047: Vaughn.
SpyBarbie047: He could've found you if he'd wanted to.
IellaWessiri84: Well, yes
SpyBarbie047: You and i both know that.
IellaWessiri84: but I imagine he was occupied
SpyBarbie047: And if he had wanted you dead, we would not be having this conversation today.
IellaWessiri84: er, I mean working with your mom and all . . .
IellaWessiri84: and she always liked me, oddly
SpyBarbie047: She gave me relationship advice, once.
IellaWessiri84: That's hard to imagine
IellaWessiri84: Actually, she gave me relationship advice once too
SpyBarbie047: How do you think I felt?
SpyBarbie047: we were on that plane going to India.
SpyBarbie047: And she told me- well, it doesn't matter what she said
SpyBarbie047: but it was the first time I'd ever been given advice by my mother
IellaWessiri84: Was it weird?
SpyBarbie047: Compared to somethings, no.
SpyBarbie047: Overall? Very.
IellaWessiri84: Getting advice from your mother is like, number eight in the top ten of weird things in my life up until now
SpyBarbie047: Do I even want to know the first one?
SpyBarbie047: Considering that weirdness ranks so low?
IellaWessiri84: Well, probably not
IellaWessiri84: it involved a frat party, and I don't remember most of it
SpyBarbie047: You had so better not stop there.
IellaWessiri84: IT . . . I still can't really believe I went
IellaWessiri84: but all my friends were going, and they were making fun of me for being so uptight about it
SpyBarbie047: Peer pressure's a killer.
IellaWessiri84: Oh, yes
IellaWessiri84: Peer pressure introduced me to . . . God, I don't even know what it was
IellaWessiri84: but I had too much of it
IellaWessiri84: and I can vividly remember being chased by a giant purple armadillo
SpyBarbie047: Was it some sort of illegal substance? Or just waaaay too much beer.
SpyBarbie047: Something illegal, if you saw a purple armadillo.
IellaWessiri84: Yeah, I kind of figured
SpyBarbie047: Wow, that is weird.
IellaWessiri84: I woke up the next morning naked on the neighbour's lawn
IellaWessiri84: it was surreal
SpyBarbie047: I figured that my Lazarus trick would've topped that list, but that's much weirder.
IellaWessiri84: Oh, that's second ;-)
IellaWessiri84: It'd have been first
SpyBarbie047: Whew, that's a relief.
IellaWessiri84: had you been purple
SpyBarbie047: I could dye my hair if you like, but I draw the line at skin tinting.
IellaWessiri84: Yeah, and it would be hard to blend in during the whole spy thing
SpyBarbie047: I'd stick out more than I already do.
SpyBarbie047: Do the interns whisper when you enter a room?
IellaWessiri84: They usually stop whispering
IellaWessiri84: and look all uncomfortable
IellaWessiri84: It makes me wonder if I smell bad
SpyBarbie047: i don't think it's that
SpyBarbie047: they all start muttering like I'm deaf instead of back from the dead.
IellaWessiri84: Don't they have lives of their own?
SpyBarbie047: If they did, would they be working with us?
IellaWessiri84: I suppose they'd be us
IellaWessiri84: off in other states and stuff
SpyBarbie047: us as in us, or us as in the other us?
IellaWessiri84: Us as in you and me, us
SpyBarbie047: She told me you didn't sleep when I was on missions.
IellaWessiri84: Us as in the other us haven't lived through anything insane
IellaWessiri84: until this
IellaWessiri84: Who? Lauren?
SpyBarbie047: My mother.
IellaWessiri84: Oh.
SpyBarbie047: Did you use to lose sleep over me?
IellaWessiri84: All the time
SpyBarbie047: Why?
IellaWessiri84: You did things sometimes . . . for the greater good, I know . . . that were crazy and stupid and death defying and wonderful all at the same time
SpyBarbie047: Why did you care so much about a crazy who walked in with red hair? Why were you nice to me, that day?
SpyBarbie047: Why were you so wonderful, all along, even when I was a bitch?
IellaWessiri84: The first day?
IellaWessiri84: I thought you were insane, honestly
SpyBarbie047: I had kool-aid red hair
SpyBarbie047: and a swollen cheek.
SpyBarbie047: yeah, i can see why you thought so.
IellaWessiri84: I thought you'd like, scratch my eyes out if I didn't let you believe you were CIA
SpyBarbie047: Wow, first impressions are forever.
IellaWessiri84: Well, then I got to know you
IellaWessiri84: and I realized you would scratch my eyes out if I didn't let you have your way
IellaWessiri84: ;-)
IellaWessiri84: But arguing with you was strangely invigorating, if that makes any sense
SpyBarbie047: Only when you stole the covers at night.
IellaWessiri84: Yeah, I can see why you needed them
IellaWessiri84: with your magic ice feety
SpyBarbie047: Feet.
SpyBarbie047: Yep. Cold feet.
IellaWessiri84: Which is funny
SpyBarbie047: Why?
IellaWessiri84: because you had them literally
IellaWessiri84: but never metaphorically
SpyBarbie047: I never had a chance to have them, not with you.
SpyBarbie047: Vaughn?
IellaWessiri84: Yes?
SpyBarbie047: What would've happened, if we had gone?
IellaWessiri84: To Santa Barbara?
SpyBarbie047: Yeah.
IellaWessiri84: It was going to be us. This, the other us, would have been us us.
SpyBarbie047: We were inevitable. That's what everyone always said.
IellaWessiri84: I still have it.
SpyBarbie047: But inevitable always has such a hopeless connotation.
SpyBarbie047: Still have what?
IellaWessiri84: The ring I bought.
SpyBarbie047: No you don't.
IellaWessiri84: She thinks I threw it away
IellaWessiri84: but I couldn't
SpyBarbie047: Don't tell me these things.
IellaWessiri84: I don't know what to do with myself anymore
IellaWessiri84: none of the choices seem right
SpyBarbie047: What am I supposed to do now?
SpyBarbie047: What did it look like? Because now I can only imagine it.
SpyBarbie047: You should've thrown it away, Vaughn.
IellaWessiri84: It was simple, I thought you'd like that better. You've worn so much ornate junk on the job and all.
IellaWessiri84: I tried. I really did. But I couldn't. It made it feel like you were really gone, when it was gone.
SpyBarbie047: I was gone. I am gone.
SpyBarbie047: I don't know where I am.
IellaWessiri84: You're here. We're here
IellaWessiri84: even if there isn't an us us anymore
SpyBarbie047: No we're not.
SpyBarbie047: We're somewhere else.
SpyBarbie047: And I am standing here. And you are standing there. And we can recapture the us-ness for a little while, maybe, but it's gone.
IellaWessiri84: I don't know what to say.
SpyBarbie047: There's nothing you can say.
IellaWessiri84: Don't shut me out
SpyBarbie047: I don't mean to, but I can't help it. I can't help anything anymore.
IellaWessiri84: I used to dream that you came back. But it was never like this
SpyBarbie047: I used to dream. End sentence.
SpyBarbie047: Now I have nightmares, if I dream at all.
SpyBarbie047: If I sleep at all.
IellaWessiri84: You don't sleep?
SpyBarbie047: Sometimes it's easier not to.
IellaWessiri84: Are the dreams very bad? I did some reading, and . . . are you okay?
SpyBarbie047: I'm sorry- just give me a minute-
SpyBarbie047: Tell me about your book, quick.
IellaWessiri84: Quick?
SpyBarbie047: Yes.
IellaWessiri84: It just said that you . . . that is to say, a person, could dream up things. Bad things to fill in the places where the memories should go.
SpyBarbie047: Sometimes I dream of what I did, of Julia.
SpyBarbie047: But mostly- it's just terrible things.
IellaWessiri84: I'm so sorry
SpyBarbie047: And when you have these godawful dreams and you wake up alo- well, when you have those dreams, sleep just becomes a game of russian roulette.
IellaWessiri84: Have you talked to anyone?
SpyBarbie047: Who, like Barnett?
SpyBarbie047: She'd be a great help.
IellaWessiri84: Ohhhhh, no. Not Barnett
SpyBarbie047: I'm not allowed to see anyone outside the agency
IellaWessiri84: But, I think the CIA has a group. For people who've lost their memories
SpyBarbie047: and after that meeting that Dixon sent me too...
IellaWessiri84: Dixon said you stopped going
SpyBarbie047: It... wasn't for me.
IellaWessiri84: What happened, Syd?
SpyBarbie047: I grew up in a household where you kept your problems to yourself. I modified what I'd be taught so that I could share with those i felt comfortable with. Opening up to a group of strangers is not my idea of healing.
IellaWessiri84: Why are you so afraid to know people?
IellaWessiri84: They understand you, Syd, in a way that I can't, no matter how much I want to.
SpyBarbie047: No, no they don't.
SpyBarbie047: They may understand what it is like to have gaping holes in their memory, but that's it. They don't know what it's like to come back to nothing being the same, nothing at all. They may have missed a few birthdays and anniversaries, maybe their kid's graduations, but they didn't come back to find everything they'd ever known changed.
IellaWessiri84: I wish I could do something. I just make it worse, don't I?
IellaWessiri84: Your dad was right.
SpyBarbie047: You don't make things wor- what?
SpyBarbie047: Dad was right about what?
IellaWessiri84: Oh, I mean . . . um, nothing
SpyBarbie047: Nice try.
IellaWessiri84: Not really. I'm not the one with the improv training
SpyBarbie047: Hence the 'nice try' and not 'good job'
IellaWessiri84: I suppose there's only room for one super spy in the city
SpyBarbie047: you're fair.
SpyBarbie047: keep going to those seminars...
IellaWessiri84: They worked alright on the whole bomb thing
SpyBarbie047: I actually never attended one.
IellaWessiri84: Because you're a genius
IellaWessiri84: you probably already know all the stuff
SpyBarbie047: I am not a genius.
SpyBarbie047: If I was one... I would know what to do.
IellaWessiri84: Oh, come on. I've seen the papers you have to memorize. And you know how many languages?
IellaWessiri84: Syd, I said "genius" not "omnipotent goddess"
SpyBarbie047: you have a stunning vocabulary.
SpyBarbie047: I just have a good memory.
SpyBarbie047: Ironic, huh?
IellaWessiri84: I suppose so. You also have a flair for the dramatic, and a competitive streak the size of Texas
SpyBarbie047: You always did know how to compliment the ladies.
IellaWessiri84: Ha. You just said that to humour me
SpyBarbie047: I'm just trying to keep up my end of the conversation
IellaWessiri84: Syd . . . do I hurt you?
IellaWessiri84: You know, by being?
SpyBarbie047: by being?
SpyBarbie047: By being...
SpyBarbie047: Shh, I understand what you mean.
SpyBarbie047: I'm trying to formulate an answer.
IellaWessiri84: It's been bothering me since your - since someone said to me that it might bother you that I'm here.
SpyBarbie047: You think I'm stupid? You mean Dad. But never mind that.
SpyBarbie047: I don't mind you. Not at all.
SpyBarbie047: I thought, at first, that I couldn't- that I shouldn't- be around you.
SpyBarbie047: But I can't do that.
SpyBarbie047: I mind... other things.
SpyBarbie047: But it's not you.
IellaWessiri84: He said that I tortured you. And I don't want . . . am I making it so you can't move on?
SpyBarbie047: Vaughn, put yourself in my spot for just a second.
SpyBarbie047: And think about what you're asking me.
SpyBarbie047: I don't want to tell you about this. I don't want you to feel bad for me, to pity me, to have guilt over me.
IellaWessiri84: I never wanted to hurt you
IellaWessiri84: I never wanted to hurt anyone
IellaWessiri84: and now I hurt someone, no matter what I do
SpyBarbie047: it's not your fault
IellaWessiri84: It's not pity
IellaWessiri84: I want to make it stop. But I can't, and it kills me to see you so aimless.
SpyBarbie047: I can't absolve you of your guilt.
SpyBarbie047: Please, never ask me if you're hurting me again.
IellaWessiri84: I'm sorry
IellaWessiri84: I always screw it all up
SpyBarbie047: Oh, shut up.
IellaWessiri84: Syd?
SpyBarbie047: Yes?
IellaWessiri84: Er, I wasn't going to say anything, really
IellaWessiri84: I was testing the waters, because you told me to shut up
SpyBarbie047: Wiseass.
IellaWessiri84: I never denied that one
SpyBarbie047: What are we going to do?
IellaWessiri84: I wish I knew
SpyBarbie047: I wish I knew.
IellaWessiri84: This is so insane
SpyBarbie047: Well, I came back from the dead.
IellaWessiri84: Yeah, that's part of what makes it insane
SpyBarbie047: but I'm not purple.
IellaWessiri84: It's not something your mother warns you about when you start dating
IellaWessiri84: Well, that is a plus
SpyBarbie047: And you're not naked on a lawn.
IellaWessiri84: And there are no armadilloes
SpyBarbie047: Were there several armadilloes?
IellaWessiri84: Well, there was one big one
IellaWessiri84: and a bunch of these . . . cat things
SpyBarbie047: and what color were they?
IellaWessiri84: They were all colors
IellaWessiri84: and they sang songs about beer
SpyBarbie047: you certainly have a colorful imagination
SpyBarbie047: i think i might use this dream the next time they try to drag me in for brain ouchies
IellaWessiri84: Don't say things like that. They won't hurt you.
SpyBarbie047: The brain ouchies won't, or the people dragging me in won't?
IellaWessiri84: Nobody's going to drag you anywhere
SpyBarbie047: that's what the tell you.
IellaWessiri84: The people here like you, Syd, and we've all seen that - that guy.
SpyBarbie047: Guy?
IellaWessiri84: Their "success story"
SpyBarbie047: Ah.
SpyBarbie047: Mitch.
IellaWessiri84: You can't end up like that.
SpyBarbie047: They actually serve coffee and donuts afterwards
IellaWessiri84: I looked at him, and all I could see was you
SpyBarbie047: like you're at some totally normal lecture on, like, fossils or something
IellaWessiri84: it made me nauseous.
SpyBarbie047: I'm not him.
IellaWessiri84: If you let them do that to you, you might as well be
SpyBarbie047: If I let them do the brain ouchies?
IellaWessiri84: yea
SpyBarbie047: Or if I let them serve me that really bad coffee? Because it was bad.
IellaWessiri84: Was it? I didn't try any of the snacks.
IellaWessiri84: Well, that's a lie
IellaWessiri84: I tried a donut, but it didn't taste as good the second time
SpyBarbie047: When did you get to try their coffee? And why would you?
IellaWessiri84: I went to see. When they started talking about the surgery. I didn't know it would be so bad.
SpyBarbie047: I don't know what's worse, hearing my father protest forcefully against my allowing the procedure or the not knowing.
IellaWessiri84: You won't know anyway, Syd
IellaWessiri84: You'll be in a straightjacket for the rest of your life
IellaWessiri84: locked in some little room for people to gawk at
SpyBarbie047: Sequestered away, up in a tower...
IellaWessiri84: before they get their coffee
SpyBarbie047: I'd be a 'Don't let this happen to you' story.
SpyBarbie047: Of course, I am anyway....
IellaWessiri84: Like anything this bad could happen to anyone else
IellaWessiri84: it's your perfectionist thing
IellaWessiri84: you couldn't just disappear and come back like anyone else, you had to do it in some huge crazy way
SpyBarbie047: I know, next time I'll plan my return less conspicuously
IellaWessiri84: It'd be nice if you didn't die next time
SpyBarbie047: I won't say what I think when you say things like that.
SpyBarbie047: Because we're having such a nice conversation and then i ruin it by being morbid.
IellaWessiri84: I'm sorry.
SpyBarbie047: So am I.
SpyBarbie047: I think we're setting a record for most apologies in one conversation.
IellaWessiri84: Oh, probably.
SpyBarbie047: It's raining.
IellaWessiri84: it always rains when we argue
SpyBarbie047: Is it a rule?
SpyBarbie047: I don't want to argue, though.
IellaWessiri84: Seems like it. It always rains whenever something significant happens
SpyBarbie047: :-[I can remember some events without rain...
IellaWessiri84: Oh, um . . . now that you mention it . . . me too. :-[
SpyBarbie047: Inappropriate.
IellaWessiri84: Sorry
SpyBarbie047: I am too.
SpyBarbie047: Inappropriate and sorry.
IellaWessiri84: It's okay. I didn't mean to make you think of it.
SpyBarbie047: Where is she?
IellaWessiri84: Who?
SpyBarbie047: Your wife.
IellaWessiri84: Oh.
IellaWessiri84: She went out of town. Some thing with her mother.
SpyBarbie047: Ah.
IellaWessiri84: Her mother's weird. I guess I'm cursed that way.
SpyBarbie047: :-D
SpyBarbie047: That's terrible.
SpyBarbie047: What's the matter with Mrs. Reed?
IellaWessiri84: She's just strange. And she's always at Lauren about something.
IellaWessiri84: Like no matter what she does, it's not good enough
SpyBarbie047: I wonder if that's worse than just being ignored.
IellaWessiri84: I don't really know.
IellaWessiri84: I never knew how lucky I was when I was younger
SpyBarbie047: One never does.
IellaWessiri84: I mean, my mother, she was so great. And she never threw me out when I was stupid
IellaWessiri84: which was a lot
SpyBarbie047: I'm sure you were adorable.
SpyBarbie047: I was just- expected to do well.
IellaWessiri84: I don't imagine Jack was terribly approachable?
IellaWessiri84: He said he had a hard time after he lost . . . your mother.
SpyBarbie047: Completely unaccessible.
SpyBarbie047: I lost both my parents in one fell swoop. I got a nanny instead.
IellaWessiri84: A nanny?
SpyBarbie047: You don't think he raised me himself, did you?
IellaWessiri84: I never really thought about it. I mean, it's hard to remember you two weren't always like you are now.
SpyBarbie047: He helped my mother with me. He loved me, then.
SpyBarbie047: And then my mother... left... and everything changed.
SpyBarbie047: Even my father.
SpyBarbie047: And I got this really wonderful woman for a nanny- but it was so horrible to me.
SpyBarbie047: And then my father was gone for six months.
SpyBarbie047: And for a while, I thought he had left me like my mother had.
SpyBarbie047: But then he came back, and he was distant and cold...
IellaWessiri84: He says he drank a lot. Do you remember. . .?
SpyBarbie047: I hardly remember anything from then. He was only around for a few months after my mother died, and if he was drinking, Christine kept me away from it.
IellaWessiri84: He came all the way to Paris to yell at me. Maybe two months after you disappeared. Told me not to screw things up the way he did. It must have been difficult for you, I'm sorry.
SpyBarbie047: I thought I was the worst little girl in the world.
IellaWessiri84: You thought you made it happen?
SpyBarbie047: Well, first I lost my mom, and then Daddy left. I must've done something horrible, or so I thought.
IellaWessiri84: no one told you your dad was coming back?
SpyBarbie047: Only that Daddy was on business, and they didn't know how long he'd be away
SpyBarbie047: I had a huge party for my seventh birthday. Everyone in my class came. And we had clowns and I think we even had ponies come to the house- but no parents.
IellaWessiri84: That's so horrible.
IellaWessiri84: When I turned seven, I jumped off the roof of the patio because I thought it would be fun
SpyBarbie047: oh no.
SpyBarbie047: how did that turn out?
IellaWessiri84: My mother pitched a fit. And I ended up having all my birthday photos taken while the skin was off my nose
SpyBarbie047: you're lucky you didn't break your neck
IellaWessiri84: That's what she said
SpyBarbie047: When I turned seven, I was positive that Daddy would come home and surprise me.
IellaWessiri84: But he didn't?
SpyBarbie047: No.
SpyBarbie047: I didn't even get a birthday present from him.
SpyBarbie047: Christine bought me loads of presents, and I got a lot from my friends- but there was nothing from my father. Not even a card.
IellaWessiri84: Oh, that's so sad.
SpyBarbie047: He was in solitary, it wasn't his fault.
SpyBarbie047: I know that now.
IellaWessiri84: Yeah, but it's hard as a kid. To understand someone's not missing things because they don't love you.
SpyBarbie047: I thought it was my fault. So I tried to be good.
IellaWessiri84: I thought being good would make my father come back.
SpyBarbie047: What did they tell you?
IellaWessiri84: Practically nothing. He was gone, but he was always gone.
IellaWessiri84: Other times he went away, he always came back.
SpyBarbie047: I thought my father didn't love me anymore.
IellaWessiri84: I don't think he knew how to love you anymore.
SpyBarbie047: I don't blame him, not anymore.
SpyBarbie047: When I grew and understood more- or thought I understood- I hated him.
IellaWessiri84: It's understandable
IellaWessiri84: Your father is a difficult man to know
SpyBarbie047: I can't even explain what we have now.
SpyBarbie047: But if it weren't for him...
IellaWessiri84: He's half the reason I'm here now
IellaWessiri84: Your dad's the reason we're having this crazy conversation.
SpyBarbie047: What, he asked you to come and check in on me, or something?
SpyBarbie047: Pity the non-dead girl?
IellaWessiri84: He told me to stop drinking before I killed myself
SpyBarbie047: But that was months ago.
SpyBarbie047: And you stopped
SpyBarbie047: And everything turned out...
IellaWessiri84: Well, if he hadn't come to holler at me in Paris, I'd be dead in a ditch somewhere right now, and we'd not be speaking
SpyBarbie047: Vaughn- if I had come back and you had been dead- I would've given up.
IellaWessiri84: Your father basically told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and do something. And I got all surly -- I think I tried to hit him. But I did think about what he said, and now I think he might have saved my life.
SpyBarbie047: Remind me to thank him.
IellaWessiri84: I should thank him.
SpyBarbie047: So should I.
SpyBarbie047: Maybe we should both chip in for a present.
IellaWessiri84: What do you buy a man like Jack Bristow?
IellaWessiri84: A tie?
IellaWessiri84: A weapon of mass destruction?
SpyBarbie047: Then again, I have the worst time figuring out what to get him for Father's Day, his birthday and Christmas...
SpyBarbie047: Ties. Lots of ties.
SpyBarbie047: And a pen. I think was my first real gift to him.
IellaWessiri84: Buying ties is always kind of associated with creepiness for me now.
SpyBarbie047: I would imagine so.
IellaWessiri84: One of those fancy pens that comes with the holder?
SpyBarbie047: Yeah.
SpyBarbie047: I was nine. I was so proud of myself.
SpyBarbie047: I got a check. 'Sydney Christmas'.
IellaWessiri84: Did you see him open it?
SpyBarbie047: No.
SpyBarbie047: He was on a trip.
IellaWessiri84: He never mentioned it again, did he?
SpyBarbie047: Never.
SpyBarbie047: I called him that night, to thank him for the presents- the check, and the ones Christine had bought using his money- and he thanked me very gruffly, like I had done something wrong.
IellaWessiri84: That's so . . . I'm sorry.
SpyBarbie047: When I was sixteen I got a car for my birthday. That was nice.
IellaWessiri84: Wow.
IellaWessiri84: When I was sixteen, I crashed a car on my birthday
IellaWessiri84: My poor mother
SpyBarbie047: that's terrible.
SpyBarbie047: what did you hit?
SpyBarbie047: and please tell me you didn't damage your own house as well as the car.
IellaWessiri84: The garage door
SpyBarbie047: *wince* Oh, Vaughn.
IellaWessiri84: I put it in drive instead of reverse
SpyBarbie047: Yes, it's the those fine young minds we want for the Intelligence Agency...
IellaWessiri84: Of course
IellaWessiri84: ;-)
SpyBarbie047: What were you driving?
IellaWessiri84: I was so excited. It was my car
SpyBarbie047: And you hurt it right away?
IellaWessiri84: I mean, it was probably worth fifty bucks in total
IellaWessiri84: and the radio station changed every time you went over a pothole
SpyBarbie047: I highly doubt that your mother let you drive in a death trap
IellaWessiri84: Oh, she didn't
IellaWessiri84: she knew I'd break it
SpyBarbie047: So what did you drive?
IellaWessiri84: When I was actually allowed to drive?
SpyBarbie047: yes
IellaWessiri84: My mother had this car. A Spirit. And it was such an old lady car, I didn't want to be caughn dead driving it.
IellaWessiri84: A car was a car, though. And I took my girlfriend to the prom in it. She was gracious enough not to point at it and laugh.
SpyBarbie047: she sniggered politely?
SpyBarbie047: at least you had a date to prom.
IellaWessiri84: Giggled behind her hand
IellaWessiri84: Yeah, and she didn't even stand me up once I got there!
IellaWessiri84: It was a major event
SpyBarbie047: I had no date and only two friends. My high school experience consisted of study circles and tests.
IellaWessiri84: It's hard to imagine you with no friends
SpyBarbie047: And my car, 'cause I was the only one of my friends to have one.
IellaWessiri84: What did you drive/
IellaWessiri84: ?
IellaWessiri84: A Jack Bristow present, must have been top of the line
SpyBarbie047: Picture me now, only about thirteen years ago
SpyBarbie047: with big glasses
SpyBarbie047: A mercedes.
IellaWessiri84: Glasses!
SpyBarbie047: My dad believed in quality. O:-)
IellaWessiri84: I can imagine
SpyBarbie047: glasses, yes
SpyBarbie047: big glasses.
IellaWessiri84: Thick ones?
SpyBarbie047: oh yes.
SpyBarbie047: and i was tall and gangly.
IellaWessiri84: It's hard to imagine
SpyBarbie047: and I had pseudo-cool clothes.
IellaWessiri84: you're so classy now
SpyBarbie047: you speak of girls standing you up, and i can't imagine that
IellaWessiri84: I didn't date the best girls, really
SpyBarbie047: i'm surprised they didn't flock to you, those best girls
IellaWessiri84: A lot of them were kind of wild, and got tired of me easily.
SpyBarbie047: You, Mr. Purple Armadillo?
SpyBarbie047: They got tired of you? I don't believe it.
IellaWessiri84: Yeah, college was a little different ;-)
SpyBarbie047: The only good thing about college was... well, I was away from my dad, and I met Francie and Will. That was about it.
SpyBarbie047: And then SD-6 came the fall of my sophmore year.
IellaWessiri84: Do you regret it/
SpyBarbie047: SD-6?
SpyBarbie047: I do and I don't.
IellaWessiri84: Would you have been happy with a normal life, though?
SpyBarbie047: I like to think that I would've been.
SpyBarbie047: Then again, I had been Project Christmased, so maybe it was inevitable.
IellaWessiri84: You'd still have free will, though, wouldn't you?
SpyBarbie047: I don't know anymore. Maybe it was like a time bomb.
IellaWessiri84: So you think SD-6 just got to you first?
SpyBarbie047: Yes.
SpyBarbie047: I guess it just was some sort of evil to bring me to where I am now.
SpyBarbie047: Which, up until a couple months ago my-time wasn't too horrific.
IellaWessiri84: Well, other than Francie.
SpyBarbie047: other than Francie.
SpyBarbie047: Having you then almost makes up for that.
IellaWessiri84: I feel like I should have noticed.
SpyBarbie047: How do you think I feel? She was my best friend!
SpyBarbie047: I lived with her!
SpyBarbie047: You hardly knew her, there was no way you could've gleaned that she was a double
IellaWessiri84: That can make you blind to something like this, though
SpyBarbie047: Especially when she could fool Will and I
IellaWessiri84: and when I think back on it
IellaWessiri84: there were so many little things
IellaWessiri84: I feel like I failed you, I left you there to die.
SpyBarbie047: You think that was your fault?
IellaWessiri84: Yes.
SpyBarbie047: Tell me you don't.
SpyBarbie047: No.
SpyBarbie047: You could not possibly have blamed yourself for that all this time.
IellaWessiri84: Sorry, I probably shouldn't have said anything. But since we're being honest
IellaWessiri84: I've blamed myself since the fire.
SpyBarbie047: Oh, my God.
SpyBarbie047: Vaughn... there was nothing you could've done.
IellaWessiri84: I could have gone in with you
SpyBarbie047: You being there- what could that have done?
SpyBarbie047: If Allison hadn't attacked me then, she would've eventually, if she thought that we knew the truth.
IellaWessiri84: I can't help but feel I could have protected you.
IellaWessiri84: I should have.
IellaWessiri84: We were in love, and I left you there to die
SpyBarbie047: You didn't leave me to die, Vaughn.
SpyBarbie047: You couldn't have known.
IellaWessiri84: You don;t know how many times I've gone over all of it in my mind. Seeing the ways I could have changed it so you'd still be here.
SpyBarbie047: Ever since I came back- everything about Francie.
SpyBarbie047: The first clue- God, that first morning!
SpyBarbie047: When you came over for the first time. I had told Francie about you before- and then you came over, and she was totally cool. Why didn't that set off alarms? I was confused, but I excused her in a thousand different ways. So many little things that should've tipped me off...
IellaWessiri84: What was she like, the real Francie?
IellaWessiri84: I saw her once, and she looked happy . . .
SpyBarbie047: She was.
SpyBarbie047: She was really funny.
SpyBarbie047: Not even intentionally.
SpyBarbie047: She just was. We laughed all the time.
SpyBarbie047: And very loving.
IellaWessiri84: I'm sorry it was her. She didn't even know, did she? About the CIA.
SpyBarbie047: We never told her
SpyBarbie047: After SD-6, I was... rightfully paranoid...
SpyBarbie047: and then Will knew, and it killed us, but we knew it was for the best
SpyBarbie047: then when we brought SD-6 down- Francie was already gone, but we didn't know that- and we thought it best not to bombard her with all of it just yet.
IellaWessiri84: It would be a shock, I understand.
SpyBarbie047: She was a really good cook.
IellaWessiri84: She had a restaurant, right?
IellaWessiri84: Will talked about it once.
SpyBarbie047: You went there once, you know.
IellaWessiri84: It's all kind of a blur
SpyBarbie047: the one you saw me and Will at, when we saw you with Alice?
SpyBarbie047: that was Francie's restaurant.
IellaWessiri84: I remember
SpyBarbie047: and that's where she gave you the tie.
SpyBarbie047: all hers.
SpyBarbie047: She owned it all. We were so proud of her.
SpyBarbie047: She cooked, I didn't have to.
IellaWessiri84: Good thing, too
SpyBarbie047: *nods* That's what i always said.
IellaWessiri84: That's probably what she always said, too
SpyBarbie047: even when i would come home at crazy hours, she'd wake up and offer to feed me.
IellaWessiri84: It must have been nice, after getting home from a rough mission
SpyBarbie047: It was hell.
SpyBarbie047: I would come home, all beat up and tired and achy. And I couldn't complain, because that would lead to explanations, which would lead to questions, which would lead to questions, which, in my experience, led to death
SpyBarbie047: so she'd come out, all concerned, thinking I had come home from somewhere within the States, maybe Canada, and she'd want to make me something to eat. and she was so sweet, and i had to lie to her.
IellaWessiri84: It's hard, lying to someone you love.
SpyBarbie047: It is.
IellaWessiri84: God, Syd. This . . . I hate this.
IellaWessiri84: You've given up so much for this country, and look what you get in return.
SpyBarbie047: Don't... talk about the country now.
IellaWessiri84: I'm sorry.
SpyBarbie047: I wish... we could stop.
IellaWessiri84: Stop?
SpyBarbie047: Yes.
SpyBarbie047: the apologies.
SpyBarbie047: the need for explanations.
SpyBarbie047: i wish i didn't have to apologize for saying things to you. i wish i didn't say them to you.
IellaWessiri84: I wish for that, too.
IellaWessiri84: I've never felt the need to be careful what I say around you before
IellaWessiri84: and it's making me feel dirty.
SpyBarbie047: everytime i look at you...
SpyBarbie047: everytime i talk to you... i feel like i'm doing something wrong, and that it's wrong to miss you and to want what we- to want to be able to be normal with you again
IellaWessiri84: Syd, in everyone's life, there's that one person
IellaWessiri84: That person you just know is going to be with you forever.
SpyBarbie047: but i can't.
IellaWessiri84: I know, I can't either. And I hate it. I hate this.
IellaWessiri84: I don't know what to do
SpyBarbie047: She doesn't deserve this.
IellaWessiri84: I know
IellaWessiri84: It's been so hard on her, on that other us.
SpyBarbie047: other us.
SpyBarbie047: i ruined things for you.
IellaWessiri84: You didn't.
IellaWessiri84: I shouldn't have rushed things.
SpyBarbie047: i did.
SpyBarbie047: you wouldn't be having problems if i hadn't come back.
IellaWessiri84: We still have problems.
IellaWessiri84: When I got the phone call, she'd just started speaking to me again
IellaWessiri84: It'd been a week.
SpyBarbie047: what had happened?
IellaWessiri84: I . . . I said something I shouldn't have
IellaWessiri84: and she got angrier than I thought she would
SpyBarbie047: you don't have to tell me, i won't pry
IellaWessiri84: I just don't think you'd like to hear it.
IellaWessiri84: And it's kind of an embarassing story
SpyBarbie047: curiousity killed the cat.
IellaWessiri84: I . . . I called her Sydney.
IellaWessiri84: She actually spent the night in a hotel.
SpyBarbie047: i bet i don't want to know when.
IellaWessiri84: I don't want to know when.
SpyBarbie047: What did you think?
SpyBarbie047: When you got the phone call?
IellaWessiri84: I couldn't believe it. I thought it was a lie.
IellaWessiri84: That you were a double, too
IellaWessiri84: I wasn't certain it was you until you hit me with that lamp
SpyBarbie047: yes, of course, that was a sign that it was me
SpyBarbie047: it's that first impression, isn't it?
IellaWessiri84: Never really leaves ;-)
SpyBarbie047: I sat in that safehouse for sixteen hours, waiting.
IellaWessiri84: I spent the entire flight convincing myself that it wasn't really you, and I wasn't going to fall for the woman who'd stolen you's games.
SpyBarbie047: I kept trying to convince myself that i had only been gone for a little while.
SpyBarbie047: the scar... that was harder to explain. but i figured i could work it out later.
IellaWessiri84: It was so unreal, to see you again for the first time
IellaWessiri84: It felt like I was meeting you again.
SpyBarbie047: I was just so happy that you had come.
IellaWessiri84: It felt wrong, somehow, I'd scattered your ashes in the sea
IellaWessiri84: but at the same time, it felt like suddenly, everything was as it should be again.
SpyBarbie047: yes
SpyBarbie047: like that
SpyBarbie047: you scared me, though.
IellaWessiri84: Why?
SpyBarbie047: You were... different. Upset. When I went to put my arms around you, you were stiff- and I didn't know why.
IellaWessiri84: It all fell apart when I saw you
IellaWessiri84: All the walls I'd built around the memories of you, and everything I'd said to myself on the plane
IellaWessiri84: It was like being in your apartment after the fire again, but you were alive, we'd just missed you the first time.
SpyBarbie047: i'm so sorry, vaughn
IellaWessiri84: Don't apologize for being alive
IellaWessiri84: It was a miracle
SpyBarbie047: That has done nothing but cause trouble.
SpyBarbie047: some miracle.
IellaWessiri84: Syd, we're all glad to have you back.
SpyBarbie047: i don't doubt that
SpyBarbie047: i just... i wonder if it wouldn't be better if i left LA, sometimes
IellaWessiri84: Where would you go?
SpyBarbie047: somewhere.
IellaWessiri84: What would you even do/
IellaWessiri84: ?
SpyBarbie047: be a CIA agent forever, of course.
IellaWessiri84: You don't ever want out of it?
SpyBarbie047: i'll never get out of it.
IellaWessiri84: Someday, when all this Rambaldi stuff is over, you will.
SpyBarbie047: if it ever ends
IellaWessiri84: It has to end someday
SpyBarbie047: not in our lifetimes
IellaWessiri84: one man can only make so many prophecies
IellaWessiri84: This is insane
IellaWessiri84: A man who's been dead for centuries is running our lives
SpyBarbie047: and has been.
SpyBarbie047: for god knows how long.
IellaWessiri84: I mean, when I joined the CIA, if someone had told me that in a few years I'd be talkng to my ressurected ex-girlfriend about a five hundred year old prophecy that she was a part of
IellaWessiri84: I'd have laughed and told them to stop drinking
SpyBarbie047: funny how things work out.
SpyBarbie047: because if people had told me that the man that sat behind the desk at the CIA offering me a dentist and telling me, the english major, that i wrote tolstoy-long dissertations would become the most important person in my life, i would've just kicked them, because at that point i wanted nothing more than some painkillers.
IellaWessiri84: You were kind of scary :-P
SpyBarbie047: yeah yeah, so you've said
IellaWessiri84: I don't think we've had a walk-in quite like you before or since
SpyBarbie047: Well, I'm one of a kind
SpyBarbie047: (and now i have to go :-()
IellaWessiri84: LOL
IellaWessiri84: bye
SpyBarbie047: SAVE THIS
IellaWessiri84: I so am :-P
SpyBarbie047: do NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES let this get away
SpyBarbie047: right now
IellaWessiri84: LOL
SpyBarbie047: do it
SpyBarbie047: and we are continuing this
IellaWessiri84: LOL
SpyBarbie047: is it saved?