No seriously, y'all should feel free to unfollow me at any time.

[sunshine_queen]

So today I went out to the school again to give the secretary some paperwork and bring over a bag of stuff so that it's easier for me and my friends to move me out tomorrow. While leaving my room, I ran into the two other assistants. Now, I have no idea if they intended to scare me off, or if they're just into brutal honesty, but oh my god. It sounds hellish living there. The heating isn't working at all, so they're always freezing, and the internet works intermittently, but even when it does, they can't do much because it's on the school's bandwidth and they can't use too much of it. The laundry situation is so dire that the German girl is just waiting until she goes home in two weeks to do laundry, which made me almost cry, because know who would love to go home and do laundry? ME. ME, I WOULD.

I can't even say that this is a huge mood swing from last night- I felt better yesterday, but I wasn't happy about the situation. I haven't once looked around me and thought oh, I'm so glad I came here, because I'm not. I'm so homesick I can literally burst into tears at the slightest provocation. For the first time of my life, I am terrified of 95% of men- and I mean actually actually terrified. I've never once felt unsafe or targeted because I'm a girl, but I spend all my time out in public wracked with varying degrees of fear- people are going to either attack me or mug me. Not even children are safe from scrutiny, because there are children pickpockets too! Now, I know- this is stuff that everyone else in the free world has known forever- but I grew up in an incredibly idyllic part of the world. I've very often been wary around men, because I live my life at level orange threat alert, but I have never spent so much time hovering on the edge of fight or flight. Yes, the city is beautiful, but god almighty, is it worth it to be this anxious all the time? I have learned I can never live in a big city.

I think the worst part is that I'm so unhappy. My mom keeps asking me if I thought this through at all- but I honestly thought it was going to be like college, where I was homesick for a grand total of twenty minutes, and then Ollie came over and showed me around school and everything was perfect from then on out. I was never homesick at school. This is a constant ache that won't go away and I'm miserable and I know everyone says it'll go away, but what if it doesn't? I don't think I can stand being this unhappy for eight months.

TL;DR: I feel disingenuous replying to your comments from yesterday because I can't be all !!!!, I'm totally emo, #whitegirlproblems #firstworldproblems, I am the worst.

Comments

[kerlin.livejournal.com]

I know I, and others, have said this before, but: please don't be too hard on yourself. It won't help at all to tell yourself that your problems are inconsequential, because they're obviously causing you distress.

You're making a lot of adjustments very quickly, and the only way to cope with them is to just keep going through. It might not seem this way now, but none of these problems are insurmountable. France is full with internet cafes that are inexpensive and convenient - you may not have the convenience of the internet at your fingertips all the time, but it will certainly be available. You will find a laundromat that works for you. You will become more aware of your surroundings - Paris is a big city, but not everyone is out to get you! Probably most people don't even notice you.

I'm sorry it's proving difficult, but I have perfect faith that you'll be fine.

[sabaceanbabe.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight*

It'll help tremendously once you've met one or two people you can talk to who could become friends. Then you won't feel so alone. It won't make it all go away, but it will make it less. And please don't make the mistake of thinking that what you're going through is inconsequential or that you and your feelings are inconsequential, because it isn't true.

'Cause I don't about anyone else, but I think you're frakking AMAZING for doing this. It takes a lot of courage to follow a dream. Even if things don't turn out as expected, you rock.

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

I guess because everyone's like YOU'RE SO LUCKY TO BE THERE I'M SO JEALOUS and I'm here miserable I just feel like everyone must be feeling that I'm ungrateful.

Thanks for all your comments of support, though. I hope I can make this work.

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm lucky, I've met a few girls in my program, including the one I've been hanging out with for the past few days. It's definitely helped hanging out with people and not just wallowing (or I'd already be home, I know this.) Like I said above, I know that I'm so lucky to have this opportunity and I hate to come across as ungrateful or whiny.

You're so sweet for thinking that! Right now I'm realizing it's not so much that you need courage to follow a dream, but to... keep on the path? I don't knoooow.

[whatever-lj.livejournal.com]

I went to France when I was about your age (how old are you, Madi? I was about 25), thinking finally I would be traveling the world.

I was absolutely a wreck, just miserable. I really believe now that jet lag had quite a bit to do with it -- I never properly got over it. I was kept saying to anyone who would listen, "If anything happens to me, I want to be burried in the United States. Please, please, make sure my body gets home." Very heightened emotions, not the clearest thinking.

It's possible you won't stay 8 months. But you certainly are staying for today. Try to see a little of the city every day.

I hope, I so hope you feel better!

But don't feel worse because you can't be happy and upbeat for us! This is a wonderful place for you to express your angst. We're pulling for you and we support you...

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

I'm almost 24, so yeah, about my age. And I had the same thoughts! I'm in Europe, I can go anywhere! Instead I'm just a wreck. I don't think it's jet-lag- I really got into the swing of this time zone fairly easily- but I have I guess emotional jet-lag in that everyone I love is six hours behind me and it's the worst.

I have tried to make the most of it as I can, on the off-chance that I do give up and pack it in- I have seen a lot of really beautiful things!

*hugs* And thank you. I'm so lucky to have such wonderful people around me that will allow me to vent.

[rdave1.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight*

Oh Madi, everything will be fine! You a strong independent woman who is there to do what you love. I think you need to keep away from the crazies and find a few people who get you and you will be fine. I know everything is different and new and there is no safety net but I have faith that you will triumph over this temporary setbacks.

I wish I could do more to comfort you. Remember the fangirls will come and go Starbuck on anyone that tries to mess with you.:) *hugs you tight*

[nicole-anell.livejournal.com]

(hugs tight) I certainly don't think you're being ungrateful and I'm glad you're using LJ and twitter to vent and get support on.

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks, boo. This has been such a crazy rollercoaster and soon I might not have internet at all and uuuugh. I mean, I'm getting a phone with internet on thursday but ugh everything is so stressful and I just want everything to be settled already!

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks, bb! All the sweet and nonjudgy comments of support are really comforting, believe it or not.

[sci-fi-shipper.livejournal.com]

*HUGS AS SUPER TIGHT AS POSSIBLE*

You continue to be brave and bold and you are still TRYING to make it work. Things have gotten a little better, and maybe a little worse, but things are moving and changing. That means that everything has the potential to end up being a great and wonderful experience. Or it might not be, but in all regards, you will have grown and changed and it will be an experience you will remember forever. It probably doesn't help, but I'm so proud that you've stuck it out and that you are still trying!

GO MADDIE GO! (And don't ever be shy about asking for love and support! You've got oodles right here. Keep posting and keep us updated! AAAAND I'll see you in a few weeks!)

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

*SUPER TIGHT HUGS* This is such a sweet comment, Heather! AND YES, YOU WILL BE HERE SOON! I have already thought of some things I'd like to do while you're here!

[korenap.livejournal.com]

You can leave, though you may want to take advantage of being there at least. If you've never lived in a city things can be harsh and everything overwhelming. Try to find a place to relax and feel safe. And don't forget to breathe. Paris is not in general a hostile unsafe environment, but you are right, you do need to find something that brings you joy or peace in the moment.

Good luck.

[amaliak.livejournal.com]

[yahtzee63.livejournal.com]

What kerlin said -- everything that is unfamiliar and strange now is going to seem very ordinary to you soon (though right now it might not be soon enough) and will someday seem enchanting. Even the lack of heat. Even walking to a laundromat. You will find solutions, and friends, and things that make you happy in the moment. You absolutely, positively will not feel like this for eight months. This anxiety level won't last.

Hang in there! The freakout doesn't last. Memories do. And you're going to remember the awesome way more than the freakout. (I say this as someone who stumbled around Glasgow going OH DEAR GOD SERIOUSLY SERIOUSLY WHAT for a little while, and who ran out of money while living there and had to live on toast for a month I AM NOT KIDDING ABOUT THAT and nonetheless I remember it as one of the most awesome things I ever did.)

[seariderfalcon]

Oh, I just want to give you the biggest hug. I admire you so much for taking this chance at all, even if you decide it's not going to work out after all. You are absolutely entitled to feel these emotions, to be overwhelmed, and to express that as needed (bottling it all up would probably make it much worse, so you vent all you need, okay?). As someone who'd be too chicken to try to do what you're doing in the first place, I think you're incredibly brave.

[yubsie]

It is a huge adjustment. Don't be too hard on yourself for no settling in as quickly as you did at college. It's a lot more changes and it's only normal to find them a bit overwhelming. And moving there for the timeframe you are is a whole different animal from going to Paris for a "vacation of a lifetime" type thing.

[deniselleb.livejournal.com]

I think your reactions are really understandable. It's a new culture, a new place, unlike college which was still in your own familiar part of the world.

I spent three weeks in London once, knowing no one there, and while I enjoyed much of it, I also had this feeling of - I don't know, being uprooted and thrown into some weird place where normal laws of logic didn't apply. I cried on more than one night at the ratty lodgings and the oddness of it NOT BEING FINLAND. I felt so alone there.

Also, I made a fool of myslef more than once. I tried to get out of a train station by pushing at the gates, and an indignant clerk came to show me how to punch my TICKET in. I just felt so anxious to get out of there. Seomeone at a museum handed me an mp3 player to listen to a guide talk about the paintings. I felt so bewildred by having to learn to use it, I just pulled the earphones out of my ears in panic. It's a strange state of mind.

I hope you feel better. *hugs* But if you don't, just know others have those feelings too. Traveling alone is SCARY SHIT.

[puszysty.livejournal.com]

There's no shame in it if you go home. Do what you feel you need to do.