Alias is OVER

[sunshine_queen]

Holy crap, guys, Alias is over until January

Previouslies:

• hee, Katya! I heart Auntie Kay!
• Do we have to go back to the Vaughn torture? I mean, I know it really is the straw that snaps Vaughn's sanity, but honestly.
• Rude Vaughn, nice SpyDaddy
• Green goo
• Saving Nads
• Lying Syd and the evil Chinese Dentist.

Okay, last we checked, Vaughn was in SpyDaddy's warehouse of Doom, Death and Destruction. Seriously. Don't mess with SpyDaddy or his friends, because he could outfit a small army with what he has in that warehouse. And Vaughn must've felt like a deranged child in a candy shop when he slid that golden key into the lock and saw all the pretty toys of pain. His unhinged heart must've sang!

Anyhoo, we start out with Sydeleh looking all mod and sleek and smooth. Mommy comments on how straight her bangs are. Mel comments on how she isn'y smiling. We all wonder why the heck she's ditching all the cell phones. What is this, Christmas? Syd can afford to pay for the office's phone calls to friends and loved ones on a government salary? What gives? And she's such a dear, spraying Binaca before breathing into the breath analyzer.

Damn, the CIA sucks.

And man, poor Marshall. He has to do all that Rambaldi math. And he thinks Rambo was high! Oh, Marshall, my love, join the club. We all think so.

Dixon proves that he can really fit in anywhere by pronouncing 'Havana' the spanish way. YAY DIX! My mom says she thinks Rambaldi is Castro, which is really funny when you think about it. Or maybe it only is to Cubans/Half-Cubans and those who married a Cuban. Hm.

And Marshall takes his leave to go his office to work on some more Rambo puzzles.

And here's something interesting. Syd's on Marshall's computer, right- then why is she talking with Lauren's voice?

Oh. Because it's, you know, NOT SYD. Scary as all, that was. And there was a total Sarkney shout-out. Sark way admitted to having a crush to Syd, which, to me, was akin to him admitting that he keeps porn under the bed so his mom won't find it.

Lauren, unfortunately, can't fake it for too long. Marshall bumbles and stutters and is generally Marshall-like, but Laurney has no patience for him. Eventually Marshall realizes that, hello? He had super top secret Rambo crap on the computer and hey now, Syd is downloading it- teh why?

So Laurney shoots him, so if you didn't realize that it wasn't Syd then, you would now.

Poor Marshall bleeds. A lot. And Laurney runs out, but Marshall still has the presence of mind to press the little white button that is plainly visible through the glass-top of the desk to alarm everyone. If Lauren was smart, she would've disarmed this, but whatever. Marshall is really good under pressure, though. He pulls through. Be it bombs or hostile take-overs or making a ping-pong program from scratch to bother his captors, Marshall keeps his wits about him when the water's hot, even if he is a bumbling dweeb the rest of the time.

Um, okay, so those sweet little phones that Laurney Clause was dropping all over the office? they're BOMBS. So nice, that girl. And we see Weiss. Hi Weiss! And we see Vaughn. Hi Vaughn! And SpyDaddy, who isn't moving while these bombs are going off. He's so cool, SpyDaddy is.

Vaughn is dumb, though. He sees Laurney and is all, Syd! Syd! Because, you know, Syd usually abandons ship as the going gets tough. And she would totally skip out on an office of her co-workers, including her non-boyfriend, her Daddy, her stand-in best friend, and all her buddies from SD-6. What are you smoking, Vaughn?

Anyway, he continues to leave all his friends as the building 'splodes and is calling out, Syd! Syd! Syd! And then, ow, he gets knocked out. And then Laurney peels off the mask and dun dun dun, it's really LAUREN! And it looks like she drops the mask on Vaughn, but I guess she didn't, because Vaughn doesn't bring it in holding it by the notSyd hair and saying, I KEELED HER.

And Sark gets caught. Sark, you're such a manwhore. My god.

And Lauren is not a conscientious hitchhiker. Ew. She shoots the guy in the head and then just drives off.

Again, the CIA blows.

Oh, look, it's real Syd! You can tell because her bangs are choppy. She has an alibi with her sister, how sweet. She bought her a sandwich. Such a good big sister, Sydney is! I wonder if someone bought her an 'I'm a big sister!' sticker as a gag. I got one when my sister was born. Granted, I was four years old, but still. The appeareance of Nads was a big deal.

And they bring Syd in the question her because... oh, they blew the Oops Center up. And Aside from the fact that she has an alibi... they still want to question her. Look at the bangs! It's not Syd, dude! And Syd would SO NEVER SHOOT MARSHALL.

Mmm. Vaughn and SpyDaddy. Major Vack moment right there. Yay, they want to get Lauren! I love SpyDaddy and his misguided attempt to allay his own issues by resolving them vicariously through his daughter's notboyfriend's vengeance. And you can tell that Vaughn has not been making out with Syd for a while because he has stubble.

Aw, Dixon says he doesn't condone the beating of prisoners. *snort* Wait, like the time you beat up Will, Dix? Like that? Like you wouldn't turn a blind eye on your ole buddy Vaughn, especially if SpyDaddy told you to.

Uh oh. Vaughn's rolling up his shirt sleeves. You're in for it, Sark.

Sark finds no irony in the situation. Well, Sark, I'm sure Vaughn doesn't really either, but it sounded good. But neither of you are looking for literary devides, are you? Sark wants a deal and Vaughn wants, among other things, answers, vengeance, widespread death and Syd. Sark says he's not biting after admitting it was Lauren (no, really?) Rambo stuff ensues. Sark baits Vaughn by telling him about all the times he and Lauren had sex in strange places, like his Mustang, an elevator, a garage, an elevator, his parents' bed, behind the stadium, under the bleachers, in the movie theatre, etc. etc. This only makes me think Lauren is a tramp, but Sark calls this "Deliciously filthy." Sounds almost like a compliment when he says it.

Vaughn continues to hurt Sark and you know Syd's not going to like it. And Vaughn made him an offer he couldn't refuse by breaking his nose. Vaughn is a subtle man.

Now they're talking about Nads and genetic Rambo stuff and Syd being the chosen one, and Syd's all, um, dude? I've got an injured friend, a nonboyfriend to chase and a dad to harass, can you speed it up? Nads has a code and I say, eff not with Syd Bristow. I don't remember too much of this scene, only that it ended with the dude saying Syd can't go be a mission person anymore and gets to be a desk jockey for a bit. Is he crazy? She is teh CIA Princess!

Whatever. He's the one who's going to get relocated to Siberia.

Vaughn admirably does not rise to the bait of Sark's tauntings about Lauren's sexitivities (*snarfle*) He threatens Sark's baby face with disfiguremeny, and all over the world, thousands gasped in horror. NOT SARK'S FACE! he sounds like Westley in 'The Princess Bride', threatening Prince Humperdinck with that to the Pain thing.

Syd walks up to Weiss, her replacement best friend. Does she worry about his health? Not really. She gets a little something about Marshall, and then she gets to the crux of the matter: her man. Conversation as follows: Where's Vaughn? Oh, he's gone? Gone to the big warehouse of SpyDaddy's doom and destruction? When did he leave? Do you know when he'll be back? Did he take out the garbage like I asked him? He tortured Sark? Dammit! I told him to stop that!

Now Syd calls her man to tell him to cool it, not kill people, and to remember to bring home some milk or he'll be buying her breakfast for the next week. No, it was real Syd weeping and wailing over the phone about how she doesn't want to lose him just 'cause he lost his temper and shot his wife to bits. She's calling him Michael, which was WEIRD. Rock on, Vaughn. Lauren is in doo-doo.

So, Vaughn follows Lauren to some other warehouse of doom, where he takes pictures of the stupidest spy ever and her minion, including all these little locations and longitudes and latitudes and YAY VAUGHN! And then Lauren, in a fit of generousity, shoots the poor minion to prove a point to the audience: lauren is a badass. Fear her.

Lauren stalks out, looking really, really good and extremely cocky. Vaughn whacks her in a manner reminiscent of what she did to him earlier, and then says in this creepy, manic voice that sounds like Jack Nicholson in 'The Shining' "Hi, Honey."

It was both gorgeous and scary as all.

Back at the Oops Center (? I thought it bloweded up?), Syd's after the footage of Vaughn's Nazi-like interrogation of Sark. The dude says it's classified. Syd's all, the hell it is! And goes to whine to Daddy. SpyDaddy shares my sentiment and says to Syd that the next time she leaves her rollerskates on the stairs he's going to take them away and, no, she really doesn't want to see the footage. This of course prompts the question as to why SpyDaddy is covering for Vaughn, but I guess that swallow ties run deep.

SpyDaddy voice-overs as Vaughn hauls Lauren's body out to his trunk. She should feel special, Vaughn once told Syd he doesn't put just anyone in his trunk. Syd is mean to SpyDaddy and then SpyDaddy whinges about how when he had the chance to kill SpyMommy and chickened out on it, it drove him MAD, so now he has to fix it through Lieutenant Loopy.

As always, everything goes back to Syd love. He wants Vaughn to get over it by killing Renny because SpyDaddy loves Syd too much to have her wind up with a guy who has been turned into a him.

And we go to Vaughn and Lauren. Lauren is currently strung up by wires and stuff and hanging a few inches above ground. Ouch. Lauren's all, Michael? Where are we? I thought you weren't into bondage... and Vaughn's like, suck it up, beeyotch. And so Lauren starts to either really spill her guts out (yeah right) or just tries to buy time by whining about how she lurved him and how she didn't want to hurt him and how it's the Covvies that are bad, not her, she just mixed up with a bad crowd! And Vaughn's all, cry me a river, Lauren.

And Vartan rocks on in this scene. He's bitching about betrayal, and then he threatens her with hydrochloric acid. And I know how to write that in scientific ways. :D

Lauren whinges s'more about how after Syd came back no one loved her. And we all think, dude, no one's ever loved you, babe.

Anyhoo, Vaughn says that while he hates Lauren with every fibre of his being, he hearts Syd more, which is a mighty big step... and then suddenly we hear a little *stab* noise and then blood dripping. And I think, oh dude, Lauren couldn't've stabbed him, she's got both arms tied- WHY WEREN'T YOU WATCHING YOUR BACK, GENIUS?

And sure enough, blood dribbles out Vaughn's mouth and he topples to the ground with a knife in his back.

The next scene has something to do with Sloane (Squee!) Nads and Rambo... but I don't care. I sat stock still in shock for about two minutes before franctically scribbling about the stabbing (all caps, two words a page, freaking out) with the vague note of 'sloane got nads, but i don't care'.

Who stabbed Vaughn? Someone did, and that someone ain't Lauren, and that someone knew where Lauren was, and Lauren was waiting for that someone! And that someone ain't Sark, 'cause Sark's in jail!

And now Vaughn's being rushed into the hospital. How did he get there? Did Lauren call? How sweet and uncharacteristic! Syd's there, and she's calling him 'Vaughn' again. She's all frantic and telling Vaughn he's going to be okay... and yay, SpyDaddy's there!

Syd decides to cough up membership money and join the 'I'ma kill Lauren' club, but before she slaps on the hat SpyDaddy's all, the hell you are, young lady! Syd'd mad like whoa that her SpyBoy has been stabbed.

Hee, they nabbed Lauren! And now they're going to have sex through the prison bars. Sark so betrayed Lauren, man, and he admits to it. He has many booboos, showing that while you can knock Vaughn down, that does not stop him from RISING AND KICKING THE CRAP OUT OF YOU EVENTUALLY.

Lauren says she's gonna bring Mama Reed's lawyer, and I'm thinking that he'd have to better than Johnnie Cochran to get her nutso daughter and her illicit lover out of this mess. Sark makes some slight to women in reference to Nietzche- "Woman was God's second mistake"... and Lauren don't like that, and it turns out that lauren is really Sydauren, meaning that Syd had a Lauren mask on and ew.

What I want to know is why Syd could talk like Lauren but Lauren couldn't talk like Syd. I know that teh Covvies don't have Marshall, but at the moment, neither does the CIA! Who made that voice thing? Whatever. Rock on.

Typing noises. Syd is in her cabin of not-the-apt. Yay, it's SpyDaddy and a trip to Italy! Is he giving you his credit card, Syd?

Syd is teh serious. She's going to Palermo to kick some ASS. SpyDaddy is way sweet and so wants to tell her how much he loves his SpyBaby. But the Bristows don't do that, so he offers to go in her place on this mighty dangerous mission, and if that doesn't say love, I don't know what does.

He so better not die or something.

And look, Syd's rappelling down the wall that she and Vaughn rappelled down in that episode with Vivica A. Fox in it. Why? Not sure. Why can't she just walk down like a normal person? Jesus, Syd, you're so lazy!

Beneath the cliff is this evacation of Indiana Jones-ness. Syd sneaks around sneakily, absolutely refusing to watch her back, despite the cries of terror issued by my mother and I.

Aww, how sweet, Weiss is with Vaughn. Since his wife is evil and on the lam, and his notgirlfriend is getting revenge, he seems like the next best thing. This is Vaughn's 97th visit to the hospital in three years. His first thought, naturally, is of Syd. Where is she? Is she okay? Is she crazy?

And effing A! Auntie Kay stabbed Vaughn! She is so not coming to Thanksgiving dinner next year. Uh uh, she can forget it! They can find someone else to dring the green bean casserole!

Weiss tells Vaughn to cool it, Syd'll be fine, and right now if he breathes wrong he'll like, die, and that would suck. Vaughn cannot rest as his notgirlfriend is flirting with danger, and he somehow coerces Weiss into giving him a gun to threaten him (Weiss) with, and to march him down the hall and onto a n elevator. We somehow wind up at my staircase (SQUEE!) from the kissing scene I so love from 'Truth Takes Time'. Vaughn is the faster healer OF LIFE. And he fakes people out like whoa. If he collapses and dies and it would really blow.

Oh, look, it's Auntie Kay! Hi, Auntie Kay! She'a all, Syd, for shame! Skulking about in the middle of the night in Palermo around a top-secret Covvie dig! I might've killed you! Syd's all, Same here! What's up? And the audience cries, beware, Syd! She stabbed your notboyfriend! BEWARE! They chat a bit, and then Syd politely hands her back the gun.

Auntie Kay shows her bad guy colors by once again cocking the gun at Syd's head. Luckily for Syd, she is suspicious by nature, so she took out the cartridge. Auntie Kay's all, how did you know? The obvious answer is, Durh, you're a Derevko, hello! But Syd says, I didn't. And then shoots her with a tranquilizer dart. Syd is such a loving niece.

Syd continues to watch on (meanwhile, Vaughn is flying to Palermo a la Carmen Sandiego).  Lauren is wearing an Abercrombie ensemble and looks mighty purty.

The people at the safe house are ordering chinese, and a coincidentally not evil oriental dude calls up to Nads to see if she wants any chow mein. Nads doesn't answer. Getting worried, NEOD goes up the stairs and knocks. Nads doesn't answer, so NEOD breaks down the door... and there's no Nads. *gasped* She's been Nadsnapped!

Oh, there she  is! Look at Miss Thang with her saucy saunter and her wayward Rambo Papa. You altered the equasion? Dude. That means that the whole Covvie Crew is in Palermo for nought? Bummer. They did that in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'.

Fortunately for all involved, while Nads was, you know, UNCONSCIOUS while channelling Rambo, she remembered the parts of the equasion she altered, so now she and Sloane and go be happy Sloanes together, digging in unison towards the great Rambo prize.

Syd is not being careful. She did not learn her lesson with currently-tranq-ed Auntie Kay.

Lauren shows up, and then Jen Garner and Melissa George try really hard to top the whole Catfight from last season's finale. This one's not nearly as fun. There's no one there, and I can't figure out why. Don't care, either. Lauren kicks ass, Syd kicks ass, it's equal opportunity beatings. Lauren tries to buy time by bringing up IM! Irina and saying that if Syd kills her she'll never know the truth, and Syd is really ticked and says she doesn't really give a damn anymore. And then she almost chokes Lauren with a pipe and says, 'This is the truth. Sucks, doesn't it?' And through the manic gleam in her eye (that must be contagious or something) , you can see the same redhead that told the Evil Chinese Doctor E.M.E.T.I.B.

Lauren's trying, albeit desperately. We're both pawns, she claims, but at least I know who controls me, and one must wonder if it's better to be an unwitting pawn to to be a willing pawn. Hm. She also brings up that the truth lies in a bank in Wittenburg. Mmkay.

Yay! It's Vaughn! Honestly, one day they need to make him say that he's always been a quick healer, 'cause this is ridiculous.

So, he shoots Lauren, and Syd's all, my man! You're mine! And they hug hug hug...

And then they kiss, for the first time where it wasn't a dream, or she didn't think it was a dream, or they didn't think they were about to die. So, yeah, first real kiss.

Anyway, you'd think these people know better than to just take someone's death for granted. Lauren was only slightly stunned by the paltry three gunshot wounds and she gets up.

And Vaughn is totally macho and incredibly attractive. Without relinquishing his hold on Syd, he aims over his shoulder and shoots Lauren about twenty more times. Lauren sputters out '1-0-6-2'... and then drops.

Does this mean she's dead? Hell no. I thought Evil Francie was dead and she had those two massive holes in her chest and she survived, so Lauren? Small potatoes, this.

The Syd and Vaughn music swells, Lord, how I missed it! They kiss again... and it's so nice.

Oh, look, it's Syd with the glasses I tried on at Vision Works this weekend. They did nothing for my face. She's at the bank in Wittenburg. Luckily for Syd, there's only ONE.

She goes to box #1062 and she looks like SpyMommy. There's some sort of CIA certificate in the box she has to smoke open. It has her birthday... her full name (Sydney ANNE Bristow!)... and it talks about this whole project initiated on her birthday, starring her... and agreed upon by SpyDaddy.

The next few pages make Syd cry ('cause it just ain't an episode unless Jen Garner sheds a few tears)

SpyDaddy shows up in the doorway, as as Nita said, his evilness is demonstrated by his use of a black turtleneck. Oh, SpyDaddy. What did you do?

And so ends this season of Alias. No more until 2005. I'll be 17 before I find out with Vaughn's lung recovered, if Marshall made it out of surgery, if Lauren surived, if Auntie Kay is lurking around, etc. etc.

 

Comments

[dollsome.livejournal.com]

Bwehehe! That was officially even more enjoyable than the actual episode, which is sayin' something, since that episode was quite enjoyable.

Except when he freakin' went gun-happy on Lauren, which was emotionally trying.

I think I am doomed to be a really evil bitch who shoots people in the head instead of asking politely for a ride. Why else would I like the evil bitches who shoot people etc etc more than anyone else?? *is troubled*

But, ya know, it's all good, 'cause you have convinced me that she's probably not dead. Small potatoes. Which is the title of an X-Files episode, and I had to share that. I haven't seen it though. O, sadness!

And I was collecting all my favourite witty things that you said, but I decided it was hopeless after accumulating the following:

And it looks like she drops the mask on Vaughn, but I guess she didn't, because Vaughn doesn't bring it in holding it by the notSyd hair and saying, I KEELED HER.

Vaughn is a subtle man.


he sounds like Westley in 'The Princess Bride', threatening Prince Humperdinck with that to the Pain thing. (I so totally thought that too. And, curiously, they used this same tactic in a s1 Buffy episode. Crazy unpopular girl wants to turn Prom Queen Cordy's face into something resembling Picasso painting. What a world, what a world. Contrary to what one might think, life is not easy when you live in a place called Sunnydale.)

And then Lauren, in a fit of generousity, shoots the poor minion to prove a point to the audience: lauren is a badass. Fear her.

Lauren's all, Michael? Where are we? I thought you weren't into bondage... and Vaughn's like, suck it up, beeyotch.


...'Cause everything kept on being hilarious.

So, yep. So concludes my mighty, mighty comment!!

(Revel in the might, yo.)

[dollsome.livejournal.com]

Okay, am commenting again because you have to revel in the glory of this.

[thepodsquad.livejournal.com]

Sunny Bunny you slay me. Seriously that was bloody hilarious!

And just for the record Horny Aunt Kat scares the bejeezus out of me!!

And how do they expect us to last until January to find out if our dear ol SpyDaddy is bad bad baddy? It's not fair! *kills ABC chairman* Damn him. *sniffles* I don't want SpyDaddy to be evil! He's wonderful! He's the bestest, coolest daddy ever! *sniffles*

And I was just really thrown offguard by Syd and Vaughn like the whole episode.

And I'm still upset Sarky-poo got hurt so badly. *huggles Sark*

[sapphirejade.livejournal.com]

Wow. Ok m'dear, you're obsessed.

And I miss you. :( But I love you SOOOO!