sunshine_queen | (no subject)

I am just so sick of it.

I want to be a hermit, or live in a movie. Friendships are honestly just not worth the anguish.

Maybe it's me.

I don't know. Today Addy got three days suspension for going to see someone in class. While I don't think she should've gotten punished that severely, I was so angry at her when she was whimpering and whining about- she KNEW that everyone was getting in trouble for the simplest thing- Heather's sister had JUST gotten suspended two days before- and not only did she go and NOT GET CAUGHT, she played russian roulette a second time and she got burned and now she's all upset. And I knew I couldn't say that because then everyone would hate me. So I didn't until Philly managed to tell her that she thought she was stupid, and my tongue let loose.

The damn thread is again a big source of consternation. My first friend, 'Liz', of course, hates Syd and Vaughn, and we keep battling it out there... and I hate it. I don't care that she doesn't like him, but why does she have to constantly bash them? Since I don't outright hate anyone on the show, I can't do it back, so I can only answer snarkily. And then I am so hurt when she answers snarkily back...

And then I complain to... well, if you know, you know, if you don't, I don't want to incriminate her. All I want is some sympathy, honestly. I just want a pat on the back or something. I don't need her to say that she thinks Liz is mean, I don't need to her agree, I just need her to let me speak my piece.

But she never does. She doesn't believe in not letting me hear the brutal truth, so she lays it into me just when I don't want it. It's bad enough she never agrees with me, but does she HAVE TO always be against me? I can't stand it. I honestly can't. And then I try to stop a fight because while I'll be over this by tomorrow, she'll take a grudge and nurse it and then I'll feel guilty because I've lost her AGAIN. Now she's not IMing me...

...and I have this fear of her talking to the Liz behind my back, her and all of the Blue Stars. I know it happens, but it's thinking about it that's worse. It's the imagining what one friend says to the other... and then what they say back...

I don't like it. I don't.

I hate that I walk around on eggshells around you. I hate that I'm so afraid of losing you that I don't let you know how I feel. I hate that we argue and you give me the silent treatment. I hate losing myself.

The common denominator in these are me. It must be my fault somehow. Maybe if I was a better person I wouldn't need to walk around eggshells and I wouldn't have anything to do with fights, so I wouldn't need to apologize. I'm too vain, I'm too self-centered, I'm too critical, I'm too intimidating, I'm too everything bad.