Oct. 7th, 2011

sunshine_queen: Tricia being fierce, as always. (Syd & SpyDaddy- hurt- cristofle)
So today I went out to the school again to give the secretary some paperwork and bring over a bag of stuff so that it's easier for me and my friends to move me out tomorrow. While leaving my room, I ran into the two other assistants. Now, I have no idea if they intended to scare me off, or if they're just into brutal honesty, but oh my god. It sounds hellish living there. The heating isn't working at all, so they're always freezing, and the internet works intermittently, but even when it does, they can't do much because it's on the school's bandwidth and they can't use too much of it. The laundry situation is so dire that the German girl is just waiting until she goes home in two weeks to do laundry, which made me almost cry, because know who would love to go home and do laundry? ME. ME, I WOULD.

I can't even say that this is a huge mood swing from last night- I felt better yesterday, but I wasn't happy about the situation. I haven't once looked around me and thought oh, I'm so glad I came here, because I'm not. I'm so homesick I can literally burst into tears at the slightest provocation. For the first time of my life, I am terrified of 95% of men- and I mean actually actually terrified. I've never once felt unsafe or targeted because I'm a girl, but I spend all my time out in public wracked with varying degrees of fear- people are going to either attack me or mug me. Not even children are safe from scrutiny, because there are children pickpockets too! Now, I know- this is stuff that everyone else in the free world has known forever- but I grew up in an incredibly idyllic part of the world. I've very often been wary around men, because I live my life at level orange threat alert, but I have never spent so much time hovering on the edge of fight or flight. Yes, the city is beautiful, but god almighty, is it worth it to be this anxious all the time? I have learned I can never live in a big city.

I think the worst part is that I'm so unhappy. My mom keeps asking me if I thought this through at all- but I honestly thought it was going to be like college, where I was homesick for a grand total of twenty minutes, and then Ollie came over and showed me around school and everything was perfect from then on out. I was never homesick at school. This is a constant ache that won't go away and I'm miserable and I know everyone says it'll go away, but what if it doesn't? I don't think I can stand being this unhappy for eight months.

TL;DR: I feel disingenuous replying to your comments from yesterday because I can't be all !!!!, I'm totally emo, #whitegirlproblems #firstworldproblems, I am the worst.

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sunshine_queen: Tricia being fierce, as always. (Default)
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