Fútbol

[sunshine_queen]

I decided that doing half of an Alias recap was better than none, so I did up to the best mission ever. And it's up before Alias! Yay!

This episode was brought to you by the SuperHotSpySisters.

 

- Vaughn goes and meets a dude in Russia. Talks about a thing called 'black thorine' which, personally, i think is the stuff from the Aliens in The Best Movie Ever. It's also what the entire episode hinges on, so whatever.

- Dude winds up dead. Dudes who killed dude are fought by Vaughn and Syd in a babushka. The dream team winds up going hom unscathed, but Michael Vartan looks mighty pretty fighting people. Actually, he's beautiful all the time. Sigh.

- Syd goes home. Sloane is there. EW. I mean, I totally adore Sloane and I freaked out when I saw that not only was he in Syd's house, but he was sitting at her counter and drinking from her glasses and just, ew, man. Gira does look appropriately guilty, but still. I mean, yeah, he's her dad, and I feel bad for her and all- 'cause no matter how great of a Daddy she thinks Sloane is, she knows deep down that she would be a lot better off if Daddy was her Daddy- but still, it's mean.

- Syd kicks Sloane out, yay. Nadia tries to apologize, and Syd just gives her the "I can't believe you did that. I am ashamed of you, Nadia Maria Santos!" look. Gira tries to figure out why it's okay for Syd to work with him but why he can't come over for drinks. Uh, 'cause Syd works there to keep an eye on him, and DOES SHE NOT KNOW ABOUT THE MISERY THAT IS SYDNEY'S EXISTANCE? Starting with Danny and moving up to Francie and the loss of everything Sydney holds dear and... zzz. Yes, I love you, Syd, but recapping all of the past three seasons is tiresome. Anyway, Nadia is chastened and yeah. Although I am happy the writers brought up Danny. Because he gets no looove.

- At work, Sydney is a snit to Sloane. Honestly, Sydney, grow up. Just a little. Not too much, but enough.

- We learn that the guy who bought the Black Oil is a man named Boris. He is living Eric's middle school and Marshall's current fantasy. And no, I'm not touching that.

- And so, they're off to Monte Carlo to surveil the dude and get the Black Oil from them, or whatever. I don't care, really. Monte Carlo is where 'Rebecca' opened, so I'm kinda hoping that Maxim'll show up. Boris gambles in a gaming room every night at nine, so that's when they're going. Whatever.

- Syd bitches some more, and then goes to mope at her desk. Dixon comes over to chat with Syd because he totally beats her ass in the, "don't it suck to be in the employ of Sloane?" because Sloane blew his wife up and had a hand in kidnapping his kids and yeah. This moving and inspiration speech about Diane's presence in his life is kinda off-color after last week's "I will fuck your shit up" scene, but, you know what, ABC people? I don't care! I don't watch the show for continuity, anyway!

- Gira is in a gun range. And wow, is she hot. Like, rocket hot. She's third on the list of hot women, but only because no one can touch Irina and Syd. No, really. Without the other two she would have a clear shot at the top. Why is it that Alias brings shades of lesbianism? Anyway, Syd comes over to apologize about bitching at Gira about having Sloane over. And somehow relates her relationship with Mommy in season 2 to Gira's with Sloane. Like dollsome , I am horrified at this comparison. Because Mommy is nothing like Sloane! NOTHING! Whatever, Syd goes to play with a gun, and then they both play with them, and they look over at one another every so often to see what the other's doing, and awww, they're sisters. I love it.

- The group goes to Monte. Gira dresses up as Gretchen, the German maid. Eric teases her about not looking German. If she married you, Eric, her name would! Gira replies in quick German in a "booyah" moment. Gira goes off to vacuum so that Syd can drill a hole into Boris's wall in peace. At the end, it turns out that Gira's callsign is "Evergreen." And, yes, I did start singing the Barbra Streisand song when I heard it. Before Regina mentioned it.

- Spy stuff goes on involving the camera into Boris's room. As Gira comes back, this woman walks by, followed by a porter laden down with bags. Yes, this is important. Weiss teases Gira about having ordered a french maid. Yeah. It's cute. Deal. Neiss is nice and normal.

- Syd says that they need Boris's laptop and PDA. The problem is, it's nine o'clock and Boris is hunkering down. What's the deal. A soccer match is on TV, featuring the Slovak Devils. Who owns the Slovak Devils, you ask? Why, Boris, of course.

- As the group groans at their misfortune, Gira notices this really icky perfume. It totally reeks. And, look, guys... high heels... tabloids... champagne... either Boris has a nasty little secret or Boris has a girlfriend who is pissed that her boyfriend would rather spend their last night in Monte watching some stupid soccer game instead of living it up with her. Gira runs across the hall to snatch the lady's bags.

- At APO, Sloane, that snake, and Daddy are listening to the girls' impromptu plan. Daddy is totally behind it, Sloane is stonewalling. They know nothing about Girlfriend! They're going in blind! It's stoooopid! And I say you can't, so there! Syd's all, yeah, whatever, and Vaughn is all, you're so hot. Gira comes back with stolen bags of clothes, and Weiss is like, you stole those! That's hot! Sloane kinda stands off in a corner, screaming, but no one listens. The SpySisters go to play dress up.

- Then we go to what might be one of the best scenes of all time. Syd and Gira go down to the bar, totally dressed up like Paris and Nicky Hilton, only they're BOTH absolutely drop dead gorgeous and a lot more intelligent than the Hilton girls. Gira smells Girlfriend and they both sit down.

- Gira has a name- Donata- but Syd doesn't, so I'ma just call her Venetia- she plops herself down next to Girlfriend and proceeds to make up a fake boyfriend so that she can hang up on him when he stands her up. Venetia pouts a little, and then turns to Girlfriend and says, conspiratorially, "Men suck, don't they?"

- Venetia, Donata, and Girlfriend- whose name is Bridget, but whatever- are soon going upstairs, completely "wasted" and acting completely adorable. Venetia says that she's totally not usually this "loopy." Donata says that Venetia can't hold her liquor. "Oh, shut up." squeals Venetia. Donata brings up Ibiza, bring up this guy named Luigi, a drunken Venetia, and a pair of handcuffs. "I'm ignoring you now," Venetia calls back, la-la-la-ing.

- Bridget feels the need to warn Venetia and Donata that her boyfriend's kinda a jerk. Venetia snorts that hers is too, duh. And Donata readily agrees. Men suck, right? Onwards towards the cosmopolitans and pedicures!

- Marshall is impressed by the girls and tells Sloane that Syd has every right to "I told you so" at Sloane later. Sloane is not so amused.

- Enter Boris's room after they get through some security men. Bridge goes off to change and Venetia and Donata sit around the suite- Venetia at the computer with a tabloid, Donata on the couch. She starts talking about soccer with Boris. Want to know why? Because NADIA is Donata, and since NADIA IS ARGENTINEAN, of course she knows about soccer!

- Anyway, Donata starts talking to Boris about soccer, and it turns out that he owns the team! Donata could just die. "Shut up. Shut up!" Donata squeals excitedly. "You own the Slovak Devils?"

- Meanwhile, while Venetia reads, Syd starts copying Boris's harddrive. Vaughn is amazed at his girlfriend's moxie and brilliance. Weiss is more interested in how his girlfriend knows so much about soccer. Um. 'CAUSE SHE'S ARGENTINEAN. No, really. When Vaughn says something along those lines, Weiss says she's the greatest girl ever. Aww.

- Syd completes her copying mission, and Vaughn asks Eric about this sudden soccer fetish. Eric is on top it of it. "Oh, and, by the way, it's called fútbol." says Eric, and I giggled madly at the way he said it. Vaughn backs off, happy to defer to the master in this matter. "Fútbol," repeats Eric.  "Fútbol," says Vaughn. And then they both practice pronounciation. Yeah, I love them.

- Gira manages to grab Boris's PDA as Venetia walks over with a tabloid. "Deh-na-tah," she says, stressing Donata's name in this bizarrely New Yorkian fashion, "Can you believe this hag is dating the price of Greece?" Ugh! No!

Donata can't either. "Oh Gawd," Donata says, "Doesn't she have any friends who can tell her she looks like trash?" I love it. I loooove it.

- Eric says "Fas-zham!" in relation to Gira. Yeah. I'm serious. Vaughn's all, no, really, I understand, my girlfriend's a badass too.

- As Donata and Venetia gush, Syd is copying Boris's PDA. "Oh my gawd," Venetia says, "Those boots are horrific!"

"Bitch!" Donata says, and sounds mock-bitter, "I own those shoes!"

And Madi dies, because that's the best line of all time. No. Really.

- Syd finishes copying, Gira gets ready to slip it back to Boris.

- Eric asks Vaughn if it would be weird if they were dating sisters. Well, um, do you want to break up with Gira? 'Cause I think he's down with dating Syd, thankyouverymuch.

- Gira goes to slip the PDA back into his pocket as Donata chats about soccer, but as Gira starts the slip, Boris leaps up to yell at his team via the television. Gira sends a worried glance back at Syd, who promptly puts her copier-thinger into her dress. Yeah. Because she is graced with a blissfully small bosom. Whatever.

- Bridget comes back in a sparkly dress. Donata and Venetia run over to squeal over it like girly-girls. Boris realizes his PDA is missing and yells at his goon to search Donata and Venetia. Weiss is getting a taste of what Vaughn went through alone for years as the goon snatches the girls' purses away from them to search them. Venetia whines, "Oh my God, you can't be serious!"  Nadia the genius walks over to the couch, and Donata lifts the PDA into the air, having found it on the couch. She snittily asks if that is what they're freaking out over. The goons retreat and Bridget coos that they should leave. Venetia is disgusted and snarls, "Uh, yeah- ya think?" Donata and Venetia look at each other as Venetia proclaims that Bridget's boyfriend is a total drag and they're audi.

 

... and that's all for now. Did you need anymore?