Ommm. Ommm.

I am calm. Cool. Collected. Oh, yes, I am. Don't question me.

( Color me shocked. )

Smeeeeeeee-la.

Today on Alias

2.05: The Indicator

SpyDaddy says that being betrayed by your mother is a valuable life experience all children should encounter. Vienna waits for all except those who betray their people and get blown up. Vaughn is suspicious of SpyDaddy and is not so nice to Syd about it in teh warehouse. Syd is mean to Vaughn about their being saved by SpyDaddy. Vaughn wrinkles. Francie opens a restaurant after four episodes. How, why, don't care. SpyDaddy comes to opening, remarkable. He talks at Syd. SpyMommy is set to fry in three days. Vaughn has a friend who now is on Las Vegas. Vaughn, sadly, was right about SpyDaddy blowing things up. SpyDaddy has also taken Vaughn's job of whispering into Syd's ear. Syd finds the children of the guns who can put them together without looking, which flips her right out. She talks to a hypnotist who is freakishly like Madeline from Nikita. Captain Cuckoo is on deck with more Emily nonsense. Will talks about his new prison buddies, Tommy Marijuana and Tommy Crystal Meth. SpyDaddy is guilted sorta kinda by Syd who says that she feels bad for the kids who are having their choices taken away because she, Sydney, chose to join SD-6. Hee. HEE. Vaughn tells SpyDaddy that if he doesn't truth to Syd, he'll truth for him. Vaughn does not seem to realize that SpyDaddy could smash him lak ze bug. Sloane gets out of the shower! SEXY BEAST! Syd finds a gun puzzle she can put together really fast. Syd goes back into dream world and is really cute as a kid. She draws pictures of her and her daddy and then goes downstairs and hears her Daddy talking about Christmas and puts a gun together, yay Syd. Syd cries. Syd stands in the rain and yells at her dad. SpyDaddy guilts a bit. Syd goes and gives Vaughn a big wet hug. Yay Vaughn.

2.06: Salvation

French twists are not Syd's friends. Vaughn jokes about grasshoppers. Sark is hot. Syd says, 'I hate you, Daddy' in not so many words. SpyMommy refuses a trial. To save her mom, Syd throws her dad under the bus. The hamburger standing behind Francie makes more money than Will does. Syd and SpyDaddy go on a mission of love and familyness. They are very amusing. Syd is very unamused. SpyMommy uses her own people as science experiments to test the bad bloody fingernail disease. Sloane is crazy like whoa and sees dead people. Luckily for him, it's only Amy Irving and not someone scary like Kurt Cobain. Syd might be sick and goes in to sit with Vaughn. They sleep together chastely. Vaughn watches Syd sleep. Syd talks in her sleep. She tells Vaughn not to frost the pie, which is very important. She was so going to start some declaration of L when the doctor who looks like he came from a Hugh Grant comedy about British people interrupted. Vaughn gets doomed because he hearts Syd. SpyDaddy loves Syd muchly. Vaughn buys Syd a drink at a restaurant and then talks to her on the phone. SpyDaddy gets sent to jail and SpyMommy is going to get fried, which, ha, will make Syd an orphan. Syd decides to harrass a senator. Syd is insane and mad. She lies to the dude and gets SpyDaddy safe. There is nobody in Em's grave, ew. SpyMommy comes home in the rain. Vaughn shaves in his neat bathroom and oh, no, there's blood under his fingernails! Crap!

2.07: Counteragent

Vaughn is shaving, and there's blood under his fingernails! Crap! He uses Target brand band aids. Then he gets all cute and preppied up and darling and calls our wayward unBritish doctor. He then goes to see SpyMommy for some creepy Virina time. SpyMommy totally knows he digs Syd. 1982 standardized tests have disappeared, which is bad, because that's what Vaughn is paying Will to find. Kendall calls Syd and tells her Vaughn is dying. Syd is all, Daddy? Where's Vaughn? And then, Mommy? Help me save Vaughn, as it's all your fault! SpyMommy helps. The dude with the really nice camper from 'That Thing You Do!' comes on to help Syd save Vaughn. Is there a collection going on with a Pepsi can? Save Vaughn? Save Vaughn? He's doomed in three days! Syd goes to see him in the hospital to that beautiful Allison Krauss song. He's all, Syd? You okay? Are you going to die trying to save me? They hold hands and banter a bit before Vaughn starts making bad things beep. Syd becomes Rita Stevens and oh holy snap it's Alice, the bland blond from hell. Syd snarfles. The Smila dude is paralyzed and has fire put to his feet. Smeeeeeeee-la. Abby comes back to help Will. I love Abby. Sark is in Estonia where Syd is trying to get the stuff to save Vaughn. Syd says she'll run fast when told by Kendall to abort the operation, but running can't help her when she gets trapped in the room with the acid. Not so nice, the acid. Beautiful Sarkneyage as Syd tries to shoot him and he tries to have her eaten away by ammonia fluorochloride. He truly believe they should work together, though, and since they both want Sloane all kinds of dead, she agrees. There's a really mean decontamination shower of naked Syd and scrub brushes. Kendall has many problems with Syd sacrificing Sloane for her nonboyfriend. Abby asks in a British accent is Will has lost his mind, for the love of God, because he's doing this crazy 1982 thing. Smeeeeeeee-la dude tells Sloane that Smeeeeeeee-la is not a place, it's his wife, and he loves her so and Sloane gets disgusted and tells them to kill him. SpyDaddy tells Syd that her mother is forcing her to have someone murdered to save Vaughn and Syd contemplates what color she's going to have her nails painted at her manicure next week. Geisha! Syd makes an appearance, as does naked! Sloane. SEXY BEAST! Sark wishes Syd luck, Syd tells him that she doesn't need luck from him, the son of a bitch (and most likely her half-brother, but whatever). Sark comments on her lovely attitude. She beats some Japanese people up and then knocks Sloane out, all in ridiculous make up and with mincing steps and this tiny voice. Sark is awed and tells her that she is so good, does she know that? Syd does.  SpyDaddy gets the stuff to save Vaughn, and Vaughn wakes up! Yay! He feels guilty that Syd needed to kill Sloane to save him, but no matter, 'cause when Syd goes to work Monday morning Sloane is alive and well and slapping the back of his boy, Sark. Sark and Syd reminisce. Vaughn goes to talk to his almost-step mom about love and stuff. Virina abounds. Irina says meh on protocol, only losers follow it, and Sheryl starts to croon one of my fave tunes of all time. There are massive hugs of yay-you-are-alive-ness. Yay hugs! He thanks. She cries. He starts to explain about Alice, but Syd is like, Dude? Please don't tell me about my nonboyfriend's real girlfriend because, seriously? I'll cry. I haven't cried this episode, but I might. She runs out and Vaughn follows after being delayed by Kendall. He follows her, and we see them both walking, but by the time he gets to the end of the hallway- she is gone. Oh, meh. You could always, you know, open the doors and follow her, doofus, but he decides not to, instead smiling fondly after her. I have only one thing to say: Smeeeeeeee-la.

In other news, we got La Femme Nikita season 2 in the mail, massive squeeness. And in better, better news, I got a message on the machine from this lawyer person wanting me to answer their phones next week to the tune of $500 because Becca's mom recommended me. beccabee ? I love your mother.