Elegy: A composition that is melancholy or pensive in tone.

[sunshine_queen]

So, for some reason, I decided to write a fic. If Sydney had died in Cuba.

"Elegy"

 

When Sydney died, the world tilted. With this tilt, Nadia shifted.

And there was Vaughn.

There were many people who felt the loss as keenly as she did: Eric, who had been her friend; Dixon, who had been her partner; and even Nadia's own father, who never quite lost his sense of possession over Sydney.

There was Jack Bristow, whose grief could not be touched. It shimmered with the heat of his hatred, too dangerous to approach. He now seemed to Nadia even more distant and frightening- a dark, menacing shadow that stretched across whatever path he crossed.

Vaughn was the humane image of Jack's suffering: more approachable, and infinitely more horrible. Jack had his anger to guide him, a pinpoint of revenge to follow blindly, intent on the outcome. Vaughn had nothing.

Nadia felt a similar aimlessness, but had the gnawing sensation that she wasn't allowed to. Sydney may have been her sister, but only half, and not for long. She could mourn, but not to excess. Condolences, but not too many. Sympathy was for the father and the widower.

("I wanted to marry her," Vaughn whispered to Nadia at the funeral. The sky had been grey. "I would have." She had squeezed his hand.)

She gravitates towards him, and she thinks it is because gravity is pulling her towards him. With Sydney gone, she is off kilter.

Vaughn is too lost in his own grief to mind that she's grieving too, nor does he begrudge her. Sometimes, she thinks, he wonders why the world has continued to go on, because there is obviously no life beyond Sydney. She is content to sit in the warmth of her sister's shadow.

At first, he says nothing. She says Sydney's name only because no one else will, and he needs to hear it, that someone is thinking of her and misses her too, that he is not alone.

He finds that the more he speaks of her, the less it stings, and Nadia is a perfect audience. She laps up the details. He never tires of speaking about her, and Nadia never tires of listening. Vaughn, she realizes, is the only one she can relate to, because they are the only two lost.

She tries once to speak of this, why she had sought him out, to rationalize her near-dependence on his company for her own sanity. She needs him because of her sister, because it's been months and she still catches glimpses of Sydney at APO, and no one else could understand but Vaughn, who sometimes catches himself speaking to her. "When you're not here," he had added hurriedly, and, beneath his breath, muttered that she helped. His eyes were lost and still frightened as he glanced at her, and her heart leapt.

He wanted her there.

Her apartment- hers alone, now- is empty and hollow and echoes as she rattles around. She feels like a guest still, and she waits for Sydney to come home, or to get the mail, or to come tell her goodnight. She tries to find a new apartment, one that isn't full of Sydney, and then wonders what another one would be like without her.

One night, when Nadia is home, alone, there's a knock. Vaughn, downtrodden, is on the other side. "You loved her, too," he says to her when she opens the door. "No one else... no one else..."

And she had let him come in, and had both sat on Sydney's couch, holding warm mugs of Sydney's tea. They didn't say much, instead basking in Sydney's presence.

"Sometimes," he says, "I look at you and I see her."

"Sometimes," she replies, "I wish I was her."

 

Comments

[thepodsquad.livejournal.com]

God, I love this. When you sent me the first line on IM my immediate reaction was, "Okay, I HAVE to read this." And then it turns out you were writing it!

And it's just gorgeous and beautiful and sad. And *sighs*. I love my Naughty and I love my Angst. And it's just soooo good.

[teaghlach.livejournal.com]

I'm sure context would help me cuz I have no idea who any of them are but it's very prettiful. I stand by my assertion that we have an uber similar writing style.

[dollsome.livejournal.com]

Awww, that was beautiful. Lovely and sad, and once again you prove that you can characterize Vaughn absolutely perfectly beyond all reason. The way he expressed his grief was just perfect, and I loved the bond you developed between him and Nadia: the subtlety of it was just beautiful and so effective. Also, I love the descriptions of the apartment, and the way that Sydney inevitably lingers there: haunting, but in a very different sort of way.

Oh, Madi. How do you do it?

[puggywuggy.livejournal.com]

Hee. "Elegy" is the name of one of my top-twenty favorite episodes of X-Files of all time. *Nodnod*

Anywho, with regard to the lovely matter at hand--

As always, you wrote beautifully, and your characterization was just perfect. I could completely see this happening, and you know me--I live for sadness and despair and angst out people's eyeballs, so I enjoyed this very much.

At first, he says nothing. She says Sydney's name only because no one else will, and he needs to hear it, that someone is thinking of her and misses her too, that he is not alone.

^ My favorite part.

Awesome work, keep it up. <3

[kerlin.livejournal.com]

Owwwwwwwww. *sniffle* Very good. :)