(no subject)
Apr. 10th, 2004 11:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sunshine_queenI cannot tell you the depth of sorrow.
No, seriously. I have lost everything I had on my computer. Everything. Two years worth of writing, all gone. Nothing. And it's only my account.
Can I fully describe this? I swear, this might sound melodramatic, but it's like my life is gone. My writing. EVERYTHING. Even that beautiful fic, the one I was writing, the one I was SO DAMN PROUD OF.
Everything is snowballing. Things keep getting worse and worse. I cried for forty minutes in a theatre today, sobbing in the fifth row. My head aches from crying, because I've cried more today than I have since I watched Pearl Harbor in the threate and had to go home and go to sleep because I had tired myself out.
And I keep on crying. It just keeps coming. And then I think I'll be fine, and I think of it again, and it wells up and I have to keep my hands pressed tight over my mouth to keep from keening. It's not just the computer, it's life, and it's injustice and it's unspecialness and it's how I suddenly understand why everyone fears for adolescents. I used to be happy, always, generally, without reason. Now I'm not. And it's even more depressing because I'm not used to it and I remember being happy and I've lost my ability.
If yesterday was bad and today was worse, I literally am petrified about tomorrow.
The light at the end of my tunnel? It's an oncoming train.
No, seriously. I have lost everything I had on my computer. Everything. Two years worth of writing, all gone. Nothing. And it's only my account.
Can I fully describe this? I swear, this might sound melodramatic, but it's like my life is gone. My writing. EVERYTHING. Even that beautiful fic, the one I was writing, the one I was SO DAMN PROUD OF.
Everything is snowballing. Things keep getting worse and worse. I cried for forty minutes in a theatre today, sobbing in the fifth row. My head aches from crying, because I've cried more today than I have since I watched Pearl Harbor in the threate and had to go home and go to sleep because I had tired myself out.
And I keep on crying. It just keeps coming. And then I think I'll be fine, and I think of it again, and it wells up and I have to keep my hands pressed tight over my mouth to keep from keening. It's not just the computer, it's life, and it's injustice and it's unspecialness and it's how I suddenly understand why everyone fears for adolescents. I used to be happy, always, generally, without reason. Now I'm not. And it's even more depressing because I'm not used to it and I remember being happy and I've lost my ability.
If yesterday was bad and today was worse, I literally am petrified about tomorrow.
The light at the end of my tunnel? It's an oncoming train.
