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May. 6th, 2010 07:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sunshine_queenSoo... I watched the Genius Club and, well. I watched it so that you didn't have to. You're welcome!
According to the dvd menu, Tricia is a painter named Ally with an IQ of 221. She is one of three people in rotation out of... more than three.
Also, in the theatrical trailer section, they have the trailer and tease from this movie... and twenty or so for Left Behind, because this is an EPICALLY CHRISTIAN MOVIE. I am so pumped.
The trailer tells you... not too much, I don't know. But Tricia looks effing adorable. She's all *worried face!* *Shocked face!* *Agony!* *Tears!* They keep doing reaction shots of her because she's the prettiest. Duh.
So. We start with a montage of historical events. Like Kennedy... talking during the Cuban Missile Crisis? And then something about Hitler? Also, there are no subtitles, I want to cry. I guess we're supposed to view modern events like the Kennedy assassination as things to make us worry over God existing? I feel like I am going to be saying "I don't know" a lot. Also as we hear these things there are news paper articles involving the high IQ people. I know this because I saw Tricia.
Washington DC! Someone is narrating. Because it isn't Tricia, and there are no subtitles to tell me who is speaking, I don't know who it is. But they're all, last week we had one night to save the world, and I'm all, okay, Madonna and J.T.
Also, the transitions in this movie are kind of... nonexistent. This one guy- the narrator!- brought this other guy who has this 60s Beatle haircut (George Harrison, I think.) He's all OMG I DON'T KNOW YOU, OKAY? and the narrator, who we saw in the scene with no transition, is like, yeah sure whatever thanks for the paper with all the high IQs. George is like, I just typed in the high IQs and got their demographics. There is another bad cut, but within the scene at least. (I think I'll stop commenting on film techniques unless it's particularly jarring, or we'll be here all night.) Anyway, George is freaking out about his involvement, but not a lot of people have IQs over two hundred, so it was an easy list to compile.
Then men in a big black SVU stop this woman jogging. They're like WE'RE WITH THE GOVERNMENT PLEASE COME WITH US, and the woman... goes. Because she's stupid. (She later turns out to be the woman who owns the casino.)
People playing chess in the park! This makes me think fondly of Alias. One of the men playing is a Baldwin brother, the born-again one. The guy he's playing with- who clearly had to redo his lines in the studio later, it sounds terrible- is all HOW DID YOU BEAT ME IN FIVE MOVES, I AM THE BEST CHESS PLAYER EVER, and I think we're supposed to gather that it's because Baldwin brother is a genius, duh. Also people clearly think these lines are deep. BTW, Baldwin is the pizza delivery guy, so that's one down. (I feel like this is the breakfast club for God!)
The man who bought the list of high IQs from George Harrison before now approaches Baldwin and is all PLEASE COME WITH ME, SIR. They have a "are you serious?"/"yes, i'm serious" exchange no less than two times.
Voice over again. Apparently there are seven people on the list of people with IQs over 208. 208 seems like a really arbitrary number. I think maybe the narrator is the man who bought the list of high IQs from George Harrison. I wish I knew his name, kind of.
OKAY. RUN DOWN OF CHARACTERS:
-Jacob Chernov- seminary student- IQ of 214, damn.
-Edward Lee, professor of economics, 220. Asian, of course. There are like four pictures of him in a bow tie. He's cute! He won a Nobel prize for economics.
-Ally Simon, AKA TRICIA, who is a painter with an IQ of 221, meaning SHE WINS so far. She is described by the narrator as "the quiet, but shockingly brilliant, woman." There are four pictures of her in this big early 2000s sweater and her hair is really short. Also, apparently she's been compared to a young Leonardo da Vinci, and she's dying of an inoperable brain tumor. Awesome.
-Tatiana Williams, biochemist, IQ 219... basically not Tricia. She discovered a cure for athletes' foot.
-Julia Endersol, the woman who I think was kidnapped earlier like a douche, CASINO-OWNER with an IQ of 211. Fool ass self.
-Jose Delgado, requisite hispanic baseball player, IQ 217.
-Rory Johnson, who is still going to be called Steven Baldwin, IQ 229, making him the only person numerically smarter than Tricia. He is a pizza delivery man.
They are trying to make this national security thing seem really scary and legit. It is... kind of working? A bit? Lots of sirens and flashy lights, and it's nighttime.
Our narrator shows up on a motorcycle, because he's a rebel! They evacuated the White House, but the president refused to leave. On this big screen, pictures, names, IQs and professions are scrolling past of all the geniuses in the room. Don't these people have better things to do with their lives than create power point presentations of geniuses?
Shot of an few of the geniuses, including Tricia, who looks like she's about to cry. Poor lamb. The baseball player is playing with a baseball and looks bored; I am hoping he speaks spanglish. Asian professor is still wearing a bowtie. I kind of love him.
Narrator strides in angrily! He speaks very forcefully! Casino Lady is all IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE WTF! Narrator is like BITCH THIS IS NATIONAL SECURITY! Baldwin makes a joke about DC being outside his delivery area, yuk yuk yuk. Some white dude announces that the president will be there shortly. Tricia is like, "Did we do something wrong?" in this sweet little voice.
The president comes in and is all, hey guys, you're the smartest people in the country, so we need you to "solve the world's problems" in one night. As you would expect, everyone is like WTF y'all. The casino lady asks what they win if they solve the world's problems, like it's a valid concern, and also to show us that she owns a casino and is all about the jackpot and whatever. The president gravely says "our lives." THE FATE OF THE WORLD IS IN THEIR HANDS, GUYS.
Apparently the way this... game, if you will, works, is they put a question on the screen and they... discuss it? HOW IS THIS GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING? Whatever. Question #1 is "Every war has been a meaningless waste of human life." Baldwin is like LOL PEACE OUT. Then someone is like YOU CANNOT LEAVE OR WE ALL DIE and... Steven Baldwin is proving to be a fine acting talent. This is alarming me. I think it also helps that Tricia has literally had one line. (I hope this changes soon.)
So everyone starts yelling at the president, and the asian professor stands up and yells IS THIS SOME KIND OF A SICK JOKE? and from the screen (behind them, opposite the president) a voice is all IF THIS WAS A SICK JOKE YOU'D ALL BE DEAD. Everyone's all OMGGGG WTFFFFF?!?!!?
On the screen is some guy fucking with a webcam really close to his face. You can see his eyes and some sweat, it's gross. He's like "You have til six AM to find the answers to the world's problems. You MUST. SCORE! Over a thousand points. By six AM, if you score less than a thousand, all of you in this room, you'll go up in an explosion. Okay? Back to work. Save your life!"
(I really want to know how the pointage system is going to work. Does this guy already have his answers with scores attached? Is he going to judge as they go? WHAT IS THIS TOMFOOLERY?)
The narrator is all, look. I'm a hostage negotiator, I work in domestic terrorism, and this guy is super legit. Apparently the narrator got the letter of intent forty-eight hours ago, and took his sweet time figuring out what to do. The narrator flashbacks to getting the letter of intent- as he opens the envelope, the terrorist calls. Because he's magic. Also, all of counterterrorism couldn't figure out a war to disarm this shit when they found it in forty eight hours. Apparently it's an actual nuke. MAYBE GAIUS BALTAR GAVE IT TO HIM.
Also, they never just say they were chosen by solely their high IQs- it's high IQs, demographics, and racial profiles. WHAT. DOES. THAT. MEAN? Oh, apparently it means that he's an equal-opportunity villain. Also, the villain is kind of crazy and funny.
Baldwin correctly states that the game is fucked up, but makes it more poetic by saying "how can your executioner also be your judge?" This movie needs more Tricia.
Then one woman- the biochemist who will be known hereafter as Asthma Lady- is like I CAN'T DO THIS gasp gasp I HAVE ASTHMA gasp gasp I CAN'T BREATHE gasp gasp and Baldwin gives her the best bitch please face.
Also the villain detonated a nuke on a tiny island. The really fake news channel is spazzing out about it. GUYS GUYS HE'S FOR REAL. Tricia looks shocked and then scared, but then the woman next to her starts really asthmaing it up and she's like, ooohhh- okay, okay, we need to help her! Casino lady, Asian Professor and Baldwin stand by and watch while everyone else springs into action. After giving her her inhaler, Tricia pets her hair. I love her.
(At this point in my viewing, I called Tricia/The Narrator, but I cleverly forgot that this an uber Christian film, so there wasn't a chance in hell of that happening.)
Baldwin: Great. One minute, I'm delivering pizzas; next, I'm tryin' to solve the problems of the world.
And then the villain gets mad that Baldwin's got a big mouth and makes him answer ten bonus questions to see if he stays in the game. I guess we're supposed to be scared that if he's out they're all fucked? ... and then the villain says that's the case, so yeah. My guess is that Baldwin is actually smart. Also, none of these questions are like, real things. They're like riddles. I have never been so happy not to be a genius ever.
- ohhh, wait. They just explained it wrong. The villain poses a riddle, and Baldwin gets ten questions to ask to figure it out. Goddamn.
The answer to the riddles was 'hiccups,' also spelled 'hiccoughs.' When he thought he wouldn't get the answer right, the narrator scribbled the answer onto a notepad, hoping, I guess, to flash it at Baldwin so they wouldn't all die. Unfortunately for him, he spelled it "hicuccups." This movie has the greatest production value.
Oh and the narrator is named Brian, apparently. Okay then.
Also either Tricia is nervous or she has a tremor due to her tumor. Yikes.
Arguments about war start that are kind of boring. Asian professor is like HEY BLOWING UP THE CITY IS A MEANINGLESS WASTE OF HUMAN LIFE, but the villain is like I AM SAVING LIVES! Or something, because this man is clearly crazy.
Oh, oh, and then so the villain is like, Ally, you're awful quiet, and Tricia's like, yeah well, I'm dying of cancer, so really nothing you can say can frighten me. And her big eyes! Ohhh my heart. The villain's like, my bad, I'm sorry. BTW you have something in common with Brian! Apparently Brian's wife died of cancer. (Bad flashback happens: Brian was really mad about the profound mediocrity in this country, meaning the apparently shitty care his dying wife received. Apparently this production agency hates America. God-fearing Christians who still care about America are outnumbered! Also reading magazines and watching TV is bad? Then Brian goes to his car and gives a bum fifty cents. End flashback.) (I wish I was skipping things, but no. That is what happened. It just makes no sense.)
Villain all SO BRIAN TELL US ABOUT YOUR WIFE! Brian's like, uh... because WASN'T THERE A FUCKING TIME LIMIT ON THIS DAMN GAME? Tricia looks all subtly gutted, too. It's so sad. Villain is all, why isn't there a cure for cancer, Ally? And she answers that it would be the end of a million jillion jobs or something. Because she's right, they get their first 100 points, yay! Then she looks over at the president all betrayedly and says that he cut cancer research funding.
So then they start talking about political agendas and how politics cause world problems and there is money for wars but not SAVING TRICIA'S LIFE and she keeps looking at the president with her big sad eyes and it's just terrible. Also her lipgloss is fantastic. And movie presidents are always so handsome.
2:45 AM, they're still arguing about curing cancer; Tricia is somehow not a sobbing heap on the floor. Casino owner is all, whatever, i don't think cancer is that hard to cure! Asian professor once again stands up to yell, WHAT DO YOU KNOW, DR CASINO-OWNER? I legit laughed out loud. Also, Dr Economics, shut up. The villain keeps linking wars to cancer. I wish I could remember the names of different logical fallacies, because there surely is one here. Tricia finally slowly gets up to walk away from the table. Now they're attacking athletes, and then they bring up gambling and... this is such a big pile of fail.
Next question, for thirty points: "Why does toner ink cost so much?" I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
Tricia answers correctly (people make products that break so they can continually make money off the consumer,) and the villain gently tells her that she did "very good." So far, Tricia is the only one earning points, and she's DYING, GUYS, STEP IT UP.
More yelling. Corporate "schmucks" have ruined the world. Casino lady didn't pay her taxes last year! Everyone's all "jerrrrk." And then villain is like, THERE IS A CHAIN OF SCREAMING and the president is all, ... are we here cause you hate corporate America? and the villain is like I HATE GREED!!!
3:20 AM. The kids are taking a break. People don't want to play, which is dumb. Brian is all vague in "they have until morning" to get a thousand points. It is also revealed that the villain's name is Armand because... of course, he would be named that. Apparently he was an expert in radioactive decay and then he was fired. Also, we get the movie summed up:
Baseball player: So why does he want us to solve the world's problems?
Brian: BECAUSE HE KNOWS WE CAN'T!
This is like Speed, only less fun. AND LESS GOOD. Think about that. SOMETHING IS WORSE THAN SPEED. Something could aspire to be Speed.
Brian is saying how this is to hold the nuke-blowing off, and they're in the building with the nuke. Baldwin isn't thrilled to hear that. Brian is also very chill about the fact that they are in the building with a nuke. I also like that these people are seemingly okay with the idea that the villain is dying to blow up the nuke, but he's the one giving them points. HE IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU A THOUSAND POINTS.
Baseball player is ticked because he only took an IQ test to prove to a sports reporter that he wasn't dumb, and now apparently he's a genius. He wants to leave because he thinks that will end with him not getting blown up. The president uses a baseball analogy to get him to stay. This movie sounds bad, but in reality, it is SO MUCH WORSE.
So! New twist: in the event that they don't make 1000 points, there is a three-word passcode that could defuse the nuke. Sure.
Next question: How to solve world hunger. Baldwin answers it correctly, bringing the number up to 210- but the score was 100, meaning they never counted Tricia's 30 points for getting the toner question right. HE'S NOT PLAYING FAIR, SHOCKER. (Or, and this is more likely, the movie people forgot.) Baldwin keeps getting points as he tells us that we like feeding our pets more than we like feeding starving children. Also, capitalism is evil.
(They keep showing the villain's mouth all close. It's gross.)
Also, there are helpful montages of gas prices when they talk about it. Did the villain actually think about this and include slides? This is the best. And we live in a quasi-communist state due to gas companies. (And, when Baldwin runs his mouth saying things the villain agrees with, he gets points. This is the weirdest game ever.)
The villain interrupts the lively discussion to give the next question: how do we deal with terrorism?
Baseball player: Aren't we dealing with it now?
Villain: I'm not a terrorist. I'm a revolutionist. Dig it? They a difference, foo'.
(Actual transcription.)
The villain screams about the geniuses not seeing what he sees, because he's frustrated and like, activates another part of the nuke. This is silly. The villain asks why in the check out lines there are magazines with celeb gossip but not articles about curing leukemia, or world hunger! IT'S ALL A DISTRACTION!!! Then Brian indirectly calls the villain insane, which, awesome.
Unrelatedly, but in the same breath, the villain says how the world has become a beer commercial, and does he know how much a basketball player makes? It must be confusing living in his head with all his random thoughts flying around haphazardly.
This leads to an awesome segue into how people always get billed more than they expect, which leads to an awesomer flashback. Brian is with his cancer wife going to pick up his car. He feels the mechanic has overbilled him, the mechanic... very definitely disagrees. The fight escalates and the wife is all WHATEVER WE'RE TAKING THE CAR (I'm pretty sure she means "after we pay the bill,") but the mechanic grabs her arm and OUT OF NO WHERE, Brian pulls out a gun and puts it to the mechanic's throat. His wife is all OMG WHAT THE HELL BRIAN and Brian is like IF YOU TELL THE POLICE I WILL KILL YOU, BUT HERE IS THE FAIR AMOUNT FOR MY BILL. DON'T TOUCH MY WIFE AGAIN. I WILL SHOOT YOU. Have a nice day. I feel like the message we're supposed to take from this is 'LOOK WHAT SOCIETY IS MAKING GOOD PEOPLE DO!' but the only one I'm getting is 'Holy shit, Brian is mental.'
Shots of napalm-infested Vietnam, and then riots? Vietnam? War is bad? This movie is a grab bag.
Now they lost points because the asian professor is like, um, what does an inflated cell phone bill have to do with the world society? And it's because we're a society of hucksters who won't put in an ethical day's work.
The president was given a chance to leave, but he decided to stay. This earned them fifty points! Then the villain's like, BONUS RIDDLE! If they solve it, they can all leave. It's something about a man staying awake for many nights, but never feels tired: why? The answer: he's a night-shift worker. This is the second time Brian has answered the question on his notepad. Clearly he's a genius too! It's sad that he can't play!
Twenty-five points for baseball player for yelling about tribalism; thirty-five points for asian professor yelling that capitalism sucks. Tricia looks very ill. They can get fifty points if Baldwin answers why he delivers pizza. His answer- that's the way he lives his life- makes asthma lady have an asthma attack. Baldwin is all DOESN'T THAT THING EVER WORK, meaning her inhaler, which, seriously.
They take another break to try to cure asthma lady. Seminary student brings Tricia water! Oh snap. Someone's not going to take the cloth because of her- were this any other movie. He opens the bottle for her- invalid, get it?- and then she asks what he did before he was a seminary student. He was a lawyer! He left law to pursue God. Tricia doesn't believe in God anymore, poor little sad panda. Belief in God never helps the good guys- jerks get rich, poor guys get shafted. The seminary student says "yeah," and then we abruptly cut.
Brian printed out like a million pages of potential three-word combinations. Sure, Bri. That'll work.
4:10 AM. This makes no sense, considering there was ninety minutes left a while ago and they have until 6 AM, but whatever.
Tricia injects herself with morphine in front of everyone- she's dying, y'all!- and the president comes over to apologize for canceling cancer research. I'm not sure she could've been saved anyway, but I get what he means. She's like SAVE IT, BRO, and he's like, no really! In the future I'm going to make things right, I promise! And you can tell she feels bad about hating him, because she's Tricia, and because we get a reaction shot of her teary face for like two minutes.
Shot of some dude dragging the cross like he's Jesus or something. Back to the questions! "If you were a dictator and had absolute control, what would you change?" He wants to know why there's never been a good dictator. He thinks it's because they worship fools. The villain asks the baseball player what he would do, and he's like, "I WOULD GET RID OF BASEBALL, OKAY? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?" I don't think so, it hasn't been listed in the axis of evil, but... thanks for trying, kid. He's freaking out that he gets paid ten million to play a recreational sport when asthma lady gets paid like nothing to do cancer research. Asian professor would make computer companies create a computer that doesn't crash. He's getting punch drunk, btw, it's kind of awesome. Seminary student would help starving children. Baldwin would get rid of Christianity, because it's become a company and is evil and blah blah blah. Every time he ends a sentence he gets more points. Then the seminary student chimes in and it's the creepy soothing voice of a televangelist and I am so deeply unsettled by this movie's weird Christian message. He's getting more and more points too! We're up to 750!
Somehow it comes up that the seminary student doesn't believe in God. This movie makes my head hurt.
Villain asks Tricia what she would do were she the most beautiful dictator ever. She would make people look at death closely, because most people don't care about it until you're actually dying. She only gets twenty points for that. Also, it turns out that the villain's wife died in a drunk driving accident. He's mad about incompetent doctors, uncaring nurses, and a greedy mortician. HE AND BRIAN ARE LIKE THE SAME, SEE?
What would they destroy about America? Casino lady says casinos, because they're evil. If people didn't gamble, they could feed the world's hungry two times over! Casino lady tells a story of a dude who gambled away his life savings then jumped off the roof of the building. She felt so bad about it, she did whatever she could to distract herself- including placing a bet on a football game, and she doesn't even like football! Tricia looks at her like, puta, por favor.
Brian looks at a really random list of three word phrases. Made of fail.
It's 4:30! Their pointage has significantly increased. Baseball player is yelling that he wants a better tomorrow. I wish this would turn out to be an elaborate reality tv show.
Brian's wife is dying in a flashback. She tells him not to give in to hate. He nods tearfully. Um. Right.
Oh, so now they have forty minutes left, and they need three hundred points, so the villain is offering two hail mary questions, the first being 'What is the greatest problem facing the world today?'
Asian professor thinks it's boredom. Now they have 880 points. Tricia continues to look very lovely, though slightly ill. Baldwin's snotty response earns them another ten points. Tricia is all IS THERE ONLY ONE PROBLEM? Brian, the hidden genius, writes on his notepad 'Does God exist?' Because he wrote it, we know it's the right answer. We never find out though, because Baldwin is all I THINK YOU'RE BLUFFING to the villain and tries to incite him into the blowing them all up. The president gets him in a choke-hold. I have no idea who this president is supposed to represent but I love him.
Car-dingers are the world's greatest evil, according to asthma lady, they ding our doors without leaving a note! It's such a weird outburst. She then has an asthma attack. Of course.
5:45! They ask for an extension, they are denied.
What is the meaning of life? 130 points if they win.
Seminary student says there's no meaning outside of God. What the hell is this society that thinks God is dead and Elvis is alive? Tricia is all, whatever, God! God's mad at me for no good reason and gave me cancer, so whatever, and the seminary student is all, maybe He gave you cancer to draw you closer to Him, and Baldwin is all, um, a little too close, huh? Which is actually pretty funny, if totally mean.
Villain asks the seminary student why he stopped being a lawyer. It was because one day he was knocked into by some dude, and his phone dropped and broke, and the guy didn't apologize. So he went over and threw the guy to the ground, all WAY TO BE A DICK, and the dude turned out to be blind. So this somehow relates to lawyering, and why the seminary student decided to pursue God. Now they have 920 points! Casino lady gets twenty points asking how a loving God can allow bad things to happen to good people, and the seminary student says it's because we're born with a sinful nature. At least he gets twenty more points. Baldwin gets another ten points for being a jerk, because this happens a lot. He's like the MVP. Seminary student evangelizes some more, and it's weird. It's almost six AM! We're gonna die!
The villain asks asthma lady why she believes in God. She uses earth's location as a reason, how if we were a bit closer to the sun it'd be too hot and farther we'd be too cold and we would die! She's doing the whole God + Science = Super Delicious. It's fun! Only gets her thirty points though, so it's at 980. He asks Baldwin to prove God doesn't exist. He lists bad stuff, and the villain is all, that proves that evil exists, not God! More discussion, now we're at 990. Baldwin would believe in God if God showed himself.
Again! What is the meaning of life again! Ten more points! I am a bit anxious, so that's good. The villain is all THERE IS NO MEANING OF LIFE when Brian asks.
Riddle time! Baldwin gets it right, and can leave. He takes his skateboard and leaves. The president is all, whatever, he didn't care for you all anyway! Tricia calls out, "Take care, [Baldwin]!
because she is precious. Baldwin, surprisingly, can't leave. Good for him! I mean, it's dumb, but noble? He offers Tricia his place instead, but the villain says that's against the rules. Also, a bit... wasteful, no? Terminal cancer, here. There are a bunch of other people who might actually do something with their life. (And the only people whose names they use consistently is Tricia- Ally- and Brian.) There are two minutes left.
The villain is all, THIS HAS BEEN A WASTE OF TIME. So I'll see you all on the other side, and presses some button that makes the nuke start making noise. Everyone looks around sadly, like ohhhh noodles. Then Tricia says softly, "I have something to say," and everyone's like, Tricia! ♥ ♥ because she is clearly the mascot of the group. She talks about the day she heard about her terminal illness, which turns into a whole thing on forgiveness and stuff. It's a nice little monologue, and she acts her little heart out- and, as usual, I bet most of the other actors were like, fuck that Tricia Helfer for making us all look bad.
Now, inspired by Tricia and her inner turmoil, Baldwin answers why he delivers pizza. This segues into his mom dying a few months ago who died in a hit and run accident. Everyone in this movie has terrible luck.
1020 points! WIN WE ALL WIN! I hope that wasn't just Baldwin's story, but also taking Tricia's into consideration- which, considering that's only thirty points, that's pathetic.
So then the villain is all, Mr President, take them to the bunker next door! Turns out, he didn't mean the city of DC gets to live, just them. That is called cheating.
Anyway, cheating or not, everyone starts running out, with the president carrying Tricia, and she's calling back for Brian. And there is the city, looking all pretty and not blown up. Brian is trying to figure out an actual code. He flashes back to when he met Baldwin and goes to tell the guy the password- BUT THE PHONE CUTS OUT! So now he has to run. Montage of his wife frolicking about.
Password is!: Who am I.
Brian is at his wife's grave with flowers. So we know he lived, at least. Then the bomb is defused. The squad is like SO WE FOUND THE VILLAIN and he wants them to stand down for some reason. Turns out they already shot the guy up. Brian and the villain hold hands and they talk and he's like, the ambulance is on its way!! and WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. Everyone else on the squad shares my reaction. Brian cries when he dies. Are we supposed be like, turn the other cheek, forgive your enemy? I don't know.
All clear! It's Christmas morning, y'all! Everyone waves to one another awkwardly- especially to Tricia. Christian music plays. Asthma lady tosses away her inhaler. Seminary student looks up at the sky like, Good job, God. Everyone drives off to go back to their lives. Brian goes to hop on his motorcycle, cause he's a rebel!
More montage of Brian's dead wife. "Who am I?" is a big question, very profound, and it will probably solve the world's problems. Turns out this was written and directed by one Tim Chey, so that's where we should direct our bile.
Rating, using Hyperbole and a half's better pain scale: 7.
According to the dvd menu, Tricia is a painter named Ally with an IQ of 221. She is one of three people in rotation out of... more than three.
Also, in the theatrical trailer section, they have the trailer and tease from this movie... and twenty or so for Left Behind, because this is an EPICALLY CHRISTIAN MOVIE. I am so pumped.
The trailer tells you... not too much, I don't know. But Tricia looks effing adorable. She's all *worried face!* *Shocked face!* *Agony!* *Tears!* They keep doing reaction shots of her because she's the prettiest. Duh.
So. We start with a montage of historical events. Like Kennedy... talking during the Cuban Missile Crisis? And then something about Hitler? Also, there are no subtitles, I want to cry. I guess we're supposed to view modern events like the Kennedy assassination as things to make us worry over God existing? I feel like I am going to be saying "I don't know" a lot. Also as we hear these things there are news paper articles involving the high IQ people. I know this because I saw Tricia.
Washington DC! Someone is narrating. Because it isn't Tricia, and there are no subtitles to tell me who is speaking, I don't know who it is. But they're all, last week we had one night to save the world, and I'm all, okay, Madonna and J.T.
Also, the transitions in this movie are kind of... nonexistent. This one guy- the narrator!- brought this other guy who has this 60s Beatle haircut (George Harrison, I think.) He's all OMG I DON'T KNOW YOU, OKAY? and the narrator, who we saw in the scene with no transition, is like, yeah sure whatever thanks for the paper with all the high IQs. George is like, I just typed in the high IQs and got their demographics. There is another bad cut, but within the scene at least. (I think I'll stop commenting on film techniques unless it's particularly jarring, or we'll be here all night.) Anyway, George is freaking out about his involvement, but not a lot of people have IQs over two hundred, so it was an easy list to compile.
Then men in a big black SVU stop this woman jogging. They're like WE'RE WITH THE GOVERNMENT PLEASE COME WITH US, and the woman... goes. Because she's stupid. (She later turns out to be the woman who owns the casino.)
People playing chess in the park! This makes me think fondly of Alias. One of the men playing is a Baldwin brother, the born-again one. The guy he's playing with- who clearly had to redo his lines in the studio later, it sounds terrible- is all HOW DID YOU BEAT ME IN FIVE MOVES, I AM THE BEST CHESS PLAYER EVER, and I think we're supposed to gather that it's because Baldwin brother is a genius, duh. Also people clearly think these lines are deep. BTW, Baldwin is the pizza delivery guy, so that's one down. (I feel like this is the breakfast club for God!)
The man who bought the list of high IQs from George Harrison before now approaches Baldwin and is all PLEASE COME WITH ME, SIR. They have a "are you serious?"/"yes, i'm serious" exchange no less than two times.
Voice over again. Apparently there are seven people on the list of people with IQs over 208. 208 seems like a really arbitrary number. I think maybe the narrator is the man who bought the list of high IQs from George Harrison. I wish I knew his name, kind of.
OKAY. RUN DOWN OF CHARACTERS:
-Jacob Chernov- seminary student- IQ of 214, damn.
-Edward Lee, professor of economics, 220. Asian, of course. There are like four pictures of him in a bow tie. He's cute! He won a Nobel prize for economics.
-Ally Simon, AKA TRICIA, who is a painter with an IQ of 221, meaning SHE WINS so far. She is described by the narrator as "the quiet, but shockingly brilliant, woman." There are four pictures of her in this big early 2000s sweater and her hair is really short. Also, apparently she's been compared to a young Leonardo da Vinci, and she's dying of an inoperable brain tumor. Awesome.
-Tatiana Williams, biochemist, IQ 219... basically not Tricia. She discovered a cure for athletes' foot.
-Julia Endersol, the woman who I think was kidnapped earlier like a douche, CASINO-OWNER with an IQ of 211. Fool ass self.
-Jose Delgado, requisite hispanic baseball player, IQ 217.
-Rory Johnson, who is still going to be called Steven Baldwin, IQ 229, making him the only person numerically smarter than Tricia. He is a pizza delivery man.
They are trying to make this national security thing seem really scary and legit. It is... kind of working? A bit? Lots of sirens and flashy lights, and it's nighttime.
Our narrator shows up on a motorcycle, because he's a rebel! They evacuated the White House, but the president refused to leave. On this big screen, pictures, names, IQs and professions are scrolling past of all the geniuses in the room. Don't these people have better things to do with their lives than create power point presentations of geniuses?
Shot of an few of the geniuses, including Tricia, who looks like she's about to cry. Poor lamb. The baseball player is playing with a baseball and looks bored; I am hoping he speaks spanglish. Asian professor is still wearing a bowtie. I kind of love him.
Narrator strides in angrily! He speaks very forcefully! Casino Lady is all IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE WTF! Narrator is like BITCH THIS IS NATIONAL SECURITY! Baldwin makes a joke about DC being outside his delivery area, yuk yuk yuk. Some white dude announces that the president will be there shortly. Tricia is like, "Did we do something wrong?" in this sweet little voice.
The president comes in and is all, hey guys, you're the smartest people in the country, so we need you to "solve the world's problems" in one night. As you would expect, everyone is like WTF y'all. The casino lady asks what they win if they solve the world's problems, like it's a valid concern, and also to show us that she owns a casino and is all about the jackpot and whatever. The president gravely says "our lives." THE FATE OF THE WORLD IS IN THEIR HANDS, GUYS.
Apparently the way this... game, if you will, works, is they put a question on the screen and they... discuss it? HOW IS THIS GOING TO SOLVE ANYTHING? Whatever. Question #1 is "Every war has been a meaningless waste of human life." Baldwin is like LOL PEACE OUT. Then someone is like YOU CANNOT LEAVE OR WE ALL DIE and... Steven Baldwin is proving to be a fine acting talent. This is alarming me. I think it also helps that Tricia has literally had one line. (I hope this changes soon.)
So everyone starts yelling at the president, and the asian professor stands up and yells IS THIS SOME KIND OF A SICK JOKE? and from the screen (behind them, opposite the president) a voice is all IF THIS WAS A SICK JOKE YOU'D ALL BE DEAD. Everyone's all OMGGGG WTFFFFF?!?!!?
On the screen is some guy fucking with a webcam really close to his face. You can see his eyes and some sweat, it's gross. He's like "You have til six AM to find the answers to the world's problems. You MUST. SCORE! Over a thousand points. By six AM, if you score less than a thousand, all of you in this room, you'll go up in an explosion. Okay? Back to work. Save your life!"
(I really want to know how the pointage system is going to work. Does this guy already have his answers with scores attached? Is he going to judge as they go? WHAT IS THIS TOMFOOLERY?)
The narrator is all, look. I'm a hostage negotiator, I work in domestic terrorism, and this guy is super legit. Apparently the narrator got the letter of intent forty-eight hours ago, and took his sweet time figuring out what to do. The narrator flashbacks to getting the letter of intent- as he opens the envelope, the terrorist calls. Because he's magic. Also, all of counterterrorism couldn't figure out a war to disarm this shit when they found it in forty eight hours. Apparently it's an actual nuke. MAYBE GAIUS BALTAR GAVE IT TO HIM.
Also, they never just say they were chosen by solely their high IQs- it's high IQs, demographics, and racial profiles. WHAT. DOES. THAT. MEAN? Oh, apparently it means that he's an equal-opportunity villain. Also, the villain is kind of crazy and funny.
Baldwin correctly states that the game is fucked up, but makes it more poetic by saying "how can your executioner also be your judge?" This movie needs more Tricia.
Then one woman- the biochemist who will be known hereafter as Asthma Lady- is like I CAN'T DO THIS gasp gasp I HAVE ASTHMA gasp gasp I CAN'T BREATHE gasp gasp and Baldwin gives her the best bitch please face.
Also the villain detonated a nuke on a tiny island. The really fake news channel is spazzing out about it. GUYS GUYS HE'S FOR REAL. Tricia looks shocked and then scared, but then the woman next to her starts really asthmaing it up and she's like, ooohhh- okay, okay, we need to help her! Casino lady, Asian Professor and Baldwin stand by and watch while everyone else springs into action. After giving her her inhaler, Tricia pets her hair. I love her.
(At this point in my viewing, I called Tricia/The Narrator, but I cleverly forgot that this an uber Christian film, so there wasn't a chance in hell of that happening.)
Baldwin: Great. One minute, I'm delivering pizzas; next, I'm tryin' to solve the problems of the world.
And then the villain gets mad that Baldwin's got a big mouth and makes him answer ten bonus questions to see if he stays in the game. I guess we're supposed to be scared that if he's out they're all fucked? ... and then the villain says that's the case, so yeah. My guess is that Baldwin is actually smart. Also, none of these questions are like, real things. They're like riddles. I have never been so happy not to be a genius ever.
- ohhh, wait. They just explained it wrong. The villain poses a riddle, and Baldwin gets ten questions to ask to figure it out. Goddamn.
The answer to the riddles was 'hiccups,' also spelled 'hiccoughs.' When he thought he wouldn't get the answer right, the narrator scribbled the answer onto a notepad, hoping, I guess, to flash it at Baldwin so they wouldn't all die. Unfortunately for him, he spelled it "hicuccups." This movie has the greatest production value.
Oh and the narrator is named Brian, apparently. Okay then.
Also either Tricia is nervous or she has a tremor due to her tumor. Yikes.
Arguments about war start that are kind of boring. Asian professor is like HEY BLOWING UP THE CITY IS A MEANINGLESS WASTE OF HUMAN LIFE, but the villain is like I AM SAVING LIVES! Or something, because this man is clearly crazy.
Oh, oh, and then so the villain is like, Ally, you're awful quiet, and Tricia's like, yeah well, I'm dying of cancer, so really nothing you can say can frighten me. And her big eyes! Ohhh my heart. The villain's like, my bad, I'm sorry. BTW you have something in common with Brian! Apparently Brian's wife died of cancer. (Bad flashback happens: Brian was really mad about the profound mediocrity in this country, meaning the apparently shitty care his dying wife received. Apparently this production agency hates America. God-fearing Christians who still care about America are outnumbered! Also reading magazines and watching TV is bad? Then Brian goes to his car and gives a bum fifty cents. End flashback.) (I wish I was skipping things, but no. That is what happened. It just makes no sense.)
Villain all SO BRIAN TELL US ABOUT YOUR WIFE! Brian's like, uh... because WASN'T THERE A FUCKING TIME LIMIT ON THIS DAMN GAME? Tricia looks all subtly gutted, too. It's so sad. Villain is all, why isn't there a cure for cancer, Ally? And she answers that it would be the end of a million jillion jobs or something. Because she's right, they get their first 100 points, yay! Then she looks over at the president all betrayedly and says that he cut cancer research funding.
So then they start talking about political agendas and how politics cause world problems and there is money for wars but not SAVING TRICIA'S LIFE and she keeps looking at the president with her big sad eyes and it's just terrible. Also her lipgloss is fantastic. And movie presidents are always so handsome.
2:45 AM, they're still arguing about curing cancer; Tricia is somehow not a sobbing heap on the floor. Casino owner is all, whatever, i don't think cancer is that hard to cure! Asian professor once again stands up to yell, WHAT DO YOU KNOW, DR CASINO-OWNER? I legit laughed out loud. Also, Dr Economics, shut up. The villain keeps linking wars to cancer. I wish I could remember the names of different logical fallacies, because there surely is one here. Tricia finally slowly gets up to walk away from the table. Now they're attacking athletes, and then they bring up gambling and... this is such a big pile of fail.
Next question, for thirty points: "Why does toner ink cost so much?" I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP.
Tricia answers correctly (people make products that break so they can continually make money off the consumer,) and the villain gently tells her that she did "very good." So far, Tricia is the only one earning points, and she's DYING, GUYS, STEP IT UP.
More yelling. Corporate "schmucks" have ruined the world. Casino lady didn't pay her taxes last year! Everyone's all "jerrrrk." And then villain is like, THERE IS A CHAIN OF SCREAMING and the president is all, ... are we here cause you hate corporate America? and the villain is like I HATE GREED!!!
3:20 AM. The kids are taking a break. People don't want to play, which is dumb. Brian is all vague in "they have until morning" to get a thousand points. It is also revealed that the villain's name is Armand because... of course, he would be named that. Apparently he was an expert in radioactive decay and then he was fired. Also, we get the movie summed up:
Baseball player: So why does he want us to solve the world's problems?
Brian: BECAUSE HE KNOWS WE CAN'T!
This is like Speed, only less fun. AND LESS GOOD. Think about that. SOMETHING IS WORSE THAN SPEED. Something could aspire to be Speed.
Brian is saying how this is to hold the nuke-blowing off, and they're in the building with the nuke. Baldwin isn't thrilled to hear that. Brian is also very chill about the fact that they are in the building with a nuke. I also like that these people are seemingly okay with the idea that the villain is dying to blow up the nuke, but he's the one giving them points. HE IS PROBABLY NOT GOING TO GIVE YOU A THOUSAND POINTS.
Baseball player is ticked because he only took an IQ test to prove to a sports reporter that he wasn't dumb, and now apparently he's a genius. He wants to leave because he thinks that will end with him not getting blown up. The president uses a baseball analogy to get him to stay. This movie sounds bad, but in reality, it is SO MUCH WORSE.
So! New twist: in the event that they don't make 1000 points, there is a three-word passcode that could defuse the nuke. Sure.
Next question: How to solve world hunger. Baldwin answers it correctly, bringing the number up to 210- but the score was 100, meaning they never counted Tricia's 30 points for getting the toner question right. HE'S NOT PLAYING FAIR, SHOCKER. (Or, and this is more likely, the movie people forgot.) Baldwin keeps getting points as he tells us that we like feeding our pets more than we like feeding starving children. Also, capitalism is evil.
(They keep showing the villain's mouth all close. It's gross.)
Also, there are helpful montages of gas prices when they talk about it. Did the villain actually think about this and include slides? This is the best. And we live in a quasi-communist state due to gas companies. (And, when Baldwin runs his mouth saying things the villain agrees with, he gets points. This is the weirdest game ever.)
The villain interrupts the lively discussion to give the next question: how do we deal with terrorism?
Baseball player: Aren't we dealing with it now?
Villain: I'm not a terrorist. I'm a revolutionist. Dig it? They a difference, foo'.
(Actual transcription.)
The villain screams about the geniuses not seeing what he sees, because he's frustrated and like, activates another part of the nuke. This is silly. The villain asks why in the check out lines there are magazines with celeb gossip but not articles about curing leukemia, or world hunger! IT'S ALL A DISTRACTION!!! Then Brian indirectly calls the villain insane, which, awesome.
Unrelatedly, but in the same breath, the villain says how the world has become a beer commercial, and does he know how much a basketball player makes? It must be confusing living in his head with all his random thoughts flying around haphazardly.
This leads to an awesome segue into how people always get billed more than they expect, which leads to an awesomer flashback. Brian is with his cancer wife going to pick up his car. He feels the mechanic has overbilled him, the mechanic... very definitely disagrees. The fight escalates and the wife is all WHATEVER WE'RE TAKING THE CAR (I'm pretty sure she means "after we pay the bill,") but the mechanic grabs her arm and OUT OF NO WHERE, Brian pulls out a gun and puts it to the mechanic's throat. His wife is all OMG WHAT THE HELL BRIAN and Brian is like IF YOU TELL THE POLICE I WILL KILL YOU, BUT HERE IS THE FAIR AMOUNT FOR MY BILL. DON'T TOUCH MY WIFE AGAIN. I WILL SHOOT YOU. Have a nice day. I feel like the message we're supposed to take from this is 'LOOK WHAT SOCIETY IS MAKING GOOD PEOPLE DO!' but the only one I'm getting is 'Holy shit, Brian is mental.'
Shots of napalm-infested Vietnam, and then riots? Vietnam? War is bad? This movie is a grab bag.
Now they lost points because the asian professor is like, um, what does an inflated cell phone bill have to do with the world society? And it's because we're a society of hucksters who won't put in an ethical day's work.
The president was given a chance to leave, but he decided to stay. This earned them fifty points! Then the villain's like, BONUS RIDDLE! If they solve it, they can all leave. It's something about a man staying awake for many nights, but never feels tired: why? The answer: he's a night-shift worker. This is the second time Brian has answered the question on his notepad. Clearly he's a genius too! It's sad that he can't play!
Twenty-five points for baseball player for yelling about tribalism; thirty-five points for asian professor yelling that capitalism sucks. Tricia looks very ill. They can get fifty points if Baldwin answers why he delivers pizza. His answer- that's the way he lives his life- makes asthma lady have an asthma attack. Baldwin is all DOESN'T THAT THING EVER WORK, meaning her inhaler, which, seriously.
They take another break to try to cure asthma lady. Seminary student brings Tricia water! Oh snap. Someone's not going to take the cloth because of her- were this any other movie. He opens the bottle for her- invalid, get it?- and then she asks what he did before he was a seminary student. He was a lawyer! He left law to pursue God. Tricia doesn't believe in God anymore, poor little sad panda. Belief in God never helps the good guys- jerks get rich, poor guys get shafted. The seminary student says "yeah," and then we abruptly cut.
Brian printed out like a million pages of potential three-word combinations. Sure, Bri. That'll work.
4:10 AM. This makes no sense, considering there was ninety minutes left a while ago and they have until 6 AM, but whatever.
Tricia injects herself with morphine in front of everyone- she's dying, y'all!- and the president comes over to apologize for canceling cancer research. I'm not sure she could've been saved anyway, but I get what he means. She's like SAVE IT, BRO, and he's like, no really! In the future I'm going to make things right, I promise! And you can tell she feels bad about hating him, because she's Tricia, and because we get a reaction shot of her teary face for like two minutes.
Shot of some dude dragging the cross like he's Jesus or something. Back to the questions! "If you were a dictator and had absolute control, what would you change?" He wants to know why there's never been a good dictator. He thinks it's because they worship fools. The villain asks the baseball player what he would do, and he's like, "I WOULD GET RID OF BASEBALL, OKAY? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR?" I don't think so, it hasn't been listed in the axis of evil, but... thanks for trying, kid. He's freaking out that he gets paid ten million to play a recreational sport when asthma lady gets paid like nothing to do cancer research. Asian professor would make computer companies create a computer that doesn't crash. He's getting punch drunk, btw, it's kind of awesome. Seminary student would help starving children. Baldwin would get rid of Christianity, because it's become a company and is evil and blah blah blah. Every time he ends a sentence he gets more points. Then the seminary student chimes in and it's the creepy soothing voice of a televangelist and I am so deeply unsettled by this movie's weird Christian message. He's getting more and more points too! We're up to 750!
Somehow it comes up that the seminary student doesn't believe in God. This movie makes my head hurt.
Villain asks Tricia what she would do were she the most beautiful dictator ever. She would make people look at death closely, because most people don't care about it until you're actually dying. She only gets twenty points for that. Also, it turns out that the villain's wife died in a drunk driving accident. He's mad about incompetent doctors, uncaring nurses, and a greedy mortician. HE AND BRIAN ARE LIKE THE SAME, SEE?
What would they destroy about America? Casino lady says casinos, because they're evil. If people didn't gamble, they could feed the world's hungry two times over! Casino lady tells a story of a dude who gambled away his life savings then jumped off the roof of the building. She felt so bad about it, she did whatever she could to distract herself- including placing a bet on a football game, and she doesn't even like football! Tricia looks at her like, puta, por favor.
Brian looks at a really random list of three word phrases. Made of fail.
It's 4:30! Their pointage has significantly increased. Baseball player is yelling that he wants a better tomorrow. I wish this would turn out to be an elaborate reality tv show.
Brian's wife is dying in a flashback. She tells him not to give in to hate. He nods tearfully. Um. Right.
Oh, so now they have forty minutes left, and they need three hundred points, so the villain is offering two hail mary questions, the first being 'What is the greatest problem facing the world today?'
Asian professor thinks it's boredom. Now they have 880 points. Tricia continues to look very lovely, though slightly ill. Baldwin's snotty response earns them another ten points. Tricia is all IS THERE ONLY ONE PROBLEM? Brian, the hidden genius, writes on his notepad 'Does God exist?' Because he wrote it, we know it's the right answer. We never find out though, because Baldwin is all I THINK YOU'RE BLUFFING to the villain and tries to incite him into the blowing them all up. The president gets him in a choke-hold. I have no idea who this president is supposed to represent but I love him.
Car-dingers are the world's greatest evil, according to asthma lady, they ding our doors without leaving a note! It's such a weird outburst. She then has an asthma attack. Of course.
5:45! They ask for an extension, they are denied.
What is the meaning of life? 130 points if they win.
Seminary student says there's no meaning outside of God. What the hell is this society that thinks God is dead and Elvis is alive? Tricia is all, whatever, God! God's mad at me for no good reason and gave me cancer, so whatever, and the seminary student is all, maybe He gave you cancer to draw you closer to Him, and Baldwin is all, um, a little too close, huh? Which is actually pretty funny, if totally mean.
Villain asks the seminary student why he stopped being a lawyer. It was because one day he was knocked into by some dude, and his phone dropped and broke, and the guy didn't apologize. So he went over and threw the guy to the ground, all WAY TO BE A DICK, and the dude turned out to be blind. So this somehow relates to lawyering, and why the seminary student decided to pursue God. Now they have 920 points! Casino lady gets twenty points asking how a loving God can allow bad things to happen to good people, and the seminary student says it's because we're born with a sinful nature. At least he gets twenty more points. Baldwin gets another ten points for being a jerk, because this happens a lot. He's like the MVP. Seminary student evangelizes some more, and it's weird. It's almost six AM! We're gonna die!
The villain asks asthma lady why she believes in God. She uses earth's location as a reason, how if we were a bit closer to the sun it'd be too hot and farther we'd be too cold and we would die! She's doing the whole God + Science = Super Delicious. It's fun! Only gets her thirty points though, so it's at 980. He asks Baldwin to prove God doesn't exist. He lists bad stuff, and the villain is all, that proves that evil exists, not God! More discussion, now we're at 990. Baldwin would believe in God if God showed himself.
Again! What is the meaning of life again! Ten more points! I am a bit anxious, so that's good. The villain is all THERE IS NO MEANING OF LIFE when Brian asks.
Riddle time! Baldwin gets it right, and can leave. He takes his skateboard and leaves. The president is all, whatever, he didn't care for you all anyway! Tricia calls out, "Take care, [Baldwin]!
because she is precious. Baldwin, surprisingly, can't leave. Good for him! I mean, it's dumb, but noble? He offers Tricia his place instead, but the villain says that's against the rules. Also, a bit... wasteful, no? Terminal cancer, here. There are a bunch of other people who might actually do something with their life. (And the only people whose names they use consistently is Tricia- Ally- and Brian.) There are two minutes left.
The villain is all, THIS HAS BEEN A WASTE OF TIME. So I'll see you all on the other side, and presses some button that makes the nuke start making noise. Everyone looks around sadly, like ohhhh noodles. Then Tricia says softly, "I have something to say," and everyone's like, Tricia! ♥ ♥ because she is clearly the mascot of the group. She talks about the day she heard about her terminal illness, which turns into a whole thing on forgiveness and stuff. It's a nice little monologue, and she acts her little heart out- and, as usual, I bet most of the other actors were like, fuck that Tricia Helfer for making us all look bad.
Now, inspired by Tricia and her inner turmoil, Baldwin answers why he delivers pizza. This segues into his mom dying a few months ago who died in a hit and run accident. Everyone in this movie has terrible luck.
1020 points! WIN WE ALL WIN! I hope that wasn't just Baldwin's story, but also taking Tricia's into consideration- which, considering that's only thirty points, that's pathetic.
So then the villain is all, Mr President, take them to the bunker next door! Turns out, he didn't mean the city of DC gets to live, just them. That is called cheating.
Anyway, cheating or not, everyone starts running out, with the president carrying Tricia, and she's calling back for Brian. And there is the city, looking all pretty and not blown up. Brian is trying to figure out an actual code. He flashes back to when he met Baldwin and goes to tell the guy the password- BUT THE PHONE CUTS OUT! So now he has to run. Montage of his wife frolicking about.
Password is!: Who am I.
Brian is at his wife's grave with flowers. So we know he lived, at least. Then the bomb is defused. The squad is like SO WE FOUND THE VILLAIN and he wants them to stand down for some reason. Turns out they already shot the guy up. Brian and the villain hold hands and they talk and he's like, the ambulance is on its way!! and WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. Everyone else on the squad shares my reaction. Brian cries when he dies. Are we supposed be like, turn the other cheek, forgive your enemy? I don't know.
All clear! It's Christmas morning, y'all! Everyone waves to one another awkwardly- especially to Tricia. Christian music plays. Asthma lady tosses away her inhaler. Seminary student looks up at the sky like, Good job, God. Everyone drives off to go back to their lives. Brian goes to hop on his motorcycle, cause he's a rebel!
More montage of Brian's dead wife. "Who am I?" is a big question, very profound, and it will probably solve the world's problems. Turns out this was written and directed by one Tim Chey, so that's where we should direct our bile.
Rating, using Hyperbole and a half's better pain scale: 7.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 12:01 am (UTC)AHAHAHAHA, this recap is amazing and epic! I actually sort of want to see this movie now? What is wrong with me?! It sounds so horribly bad but Triciiiia. I miss Tricia and her sadface.
Baseball player: Aren't we dealing with it now?
Villian: I'm not a terrorist. I'm a revolutionist. Dig it? They a difference, foo'.
(Actual transcription.)
Are u serious? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE!
Car-dingers are the world's greatest evil, according to asthma lady, they ding our doors without leaving a note! It's such a weird outburst. She then has an asthma attack. Of course.
I am giggling out loud right now. What the eff, movie?
Tricia says softly, "I have something to say," and everyone's like, Tricia! ♥ ♥ because she is clearly the mascot of the group. She talks about the day she heard about her terminal illness, which turns into a whole thing on forgiveness and stuff. It's a nice little monologue, and she acts her little heart out- and, as usual, I bet most of the other actors were like, fuck that Tricia Helfer for making us all look bad.
THAT'S MY GIRL.
Seminary student looks up at the sky like, Good job, God. Everyone drives off to go back to their lives. Brian goes to hop on his motorcycle, cause he's a rebel!
*giggles insanely again*
Now I feel bad I didn't go to the Tribeca film festival where apparently Tricia was in a terrible slasher movie - but she is the killer - which means I need to get my hands on this thing eventually.
P.S. Thanks for introducing me to Hyperbole and a half.
P.P.S. My reply is MORE YOUR TEXT THAN MY TEXT. <3
no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 12:43 am (UTC)I <3 you for bringing Gaius/Caprica together in this (awesome) recap...I needed the thought of them to get through this.
The president gets him in a choke-hold.
We need more badass presidents.
fuck that Tricia Helfer for making us all look bad
*hearts Tricia*
Is it bad that I kind of want to watch this now, though?
no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 12:46 am (UTC)I wish I had written more details about Tricia's speech- it really was nice and poignant, and it was certainly the best-written and absolutely the best-acted monologue of the movie.
BB, you didn't know about Hyperbole and a half? I am so, so excited for you, it's like my favorite thing of life. Also, the movie was... awful, but really, really effing entertaining, so I certainly wouldn't seriously recommend it, but for the lulz, I say go for it.
TRICIA IS A KILLER? Oh that would be just terrible for me to watch, because I'd be 100% team her. (Also, I could probably watch it, knowing she did it. She doesn't scare me, she's made of joy and wonder!) But also I've made it my mission in life to watch everything with her- hello, Supernatural episode! AND THAT DAMN CSI EPISODE.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 12:51 am (UTC)And wanting to watch it seems to be a common reaction, because it's so gloriously cracktastic. (Also, I'm glad you enjoyed the recap!)
no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 12:54 am (UTC)And speaking of, thanks for the link to the pain scale! bwahahaha! I'd never seen that before.
PS:
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no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 01:11 am (UTC)MUCH LIKE THOSE CLIPS, OMG. Stephen Baldwin, man.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 04:27 am (UTC)LOL right? Okay, from what I can tell "slasher" might be the wrong word for it, but basically Tricia and her boyfriend are a Crazy Serial Killing Power Couple or something, and they kidnap the girl who was Cher on TV's Clueless but then the boyfriend has her secretly locked in a closet or something instead of killing her, because he's Secretly Less Evil than Tricia and she's abusive to him or something. IDK IT SOUNDED AWFUL, but probably not as bad as that traumatizing CSI episode. (Or her differently-traumatizing "Two and a Half Men" episode.)
no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 04:58 am (UTC)(Those episodes of Two and a Half Men were so. bad. I watch like a hundred shows and she picks one that I actively despise to guest star on. HAVE SOME SELF-RESPECT, TRICIA, DON'T YOU KNOW YOU CAN FLY?)
no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 02:06 pm (UTC)I burst out laughing at this line. The family is staring at me like I'm crazy. They're sending me to a mental institution any time now.
It's a nice little monologue, and she acts her little heart out- and, as usual, I bet most of the other actors were like, fuck that Tricia Helfer for making us all look bad.
Awwww if there's really one reason I wanna rent the movie, it'd be for this scene. Tricia ♥
This movie sounds 10 kinds of ridic but I still wanna watch it for the lulz. AND YOUR RECAP WAS AMAZING AND HAD ME LAUGHING CRAZILY MMKAY.
no subject
Date: 2010-05-07 09:14 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-05-12 12:41 am (UTC)TRICIA KILLS A LOT AND REALLY ENJOYS IT, HOW DID YOU NOT GO SEE THIS?!
no subject
Date: 2010-05-12 01:26 am (UTC)*is sad now*
I was all bitter when I realized I'd already missed the first screening of it that she actually ATTENDED, so then I didn't go to the other screening.