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Jul. 18th, 2011 02:37 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sunshine_queenMy mom, sister and I left for NY on the 7th, and we were supposed to leave the day after tomorrow, but my grandmother was ill, and then she died last night.
It's awful, because in a way it's good- she got in an accident five years ago, and has been in a home ever since and she was never the same afterwards, and the past few months she really kind of shut down and stopped talking and wasn't great about eating. I saw her for the first time in two years a couple days ago, and it was one of the worst things I've ever dealt with. She kind of smiled vaguely at us, and that was it. A few times she looked like she was happy to see us, kind of, but not because she recognized us or knew who we were, and my grandmother was such a feisty, strong woman that seeing her like that was terrible. And it's not like she had an quality of life going on, and it's really good that she's not suffering anymore, but it's so hard for my mother and her sisters, and all of my cousins. I was never very close to my grandmother, because we were very alike in temperament and therefore butted heads a lot of the time we were together, but she was the only grandparent I had left. And it's so weird to think about the fact that she was the only one left of her immediate family- all of her siblings are gone, and of course her parents are dead, and it's so weird thinking about the entire McKinney family all gone.
She fell ill a few days ago, so it was kind of expected, and yesterday my mom left the hospital for a few hours to see her best friend Laura. While we were driving back from seeing her, first my mom tells me and my sister that she asked Laura, who is a singer, to sing "Amazing Grace" at Grandma's funeral if she died- which I really didn't think she was going to, because she's been on death's door like literally seven times before and she hadn't died, and she had a constitution of a horse- and I was like OH MY GOD because Laura has the kind of voice that reaches down into your soul and plumbs the depths, and jesus, like a funeral wouldn't be bad enough but now we had to add Laura singing that, when my grandmother's name is Grace? Honestly now. So I cry a bit, and then I was okay- my mother is preternaturally calm, which is unlike her- and she says, cool as you please, you know the end of Big Fish? Which brings me to tears again, because at the end of Big Fish, the son runs with his dying father out of the hospital, and takes him to a river to release him into it, and all of his father's friends and family are on the banks of the stream, waving and happy, and it's so devastating to think about, because it's nice and a beautiful sentiment and of course I didn't want my grandmother to stay on earth because it kept the rest of us from being sad, but just thinking about my grandmother entering the stream is heartbreakingly nice. (I didn't make the BSG stream/shore connection until about two hours ago, which surprised me.)
The other weird thing is that yesterday my cousin got back from a week in New Hampshire, so I hadn't seen her yet so her and my sister and my other cousin and I were up late drinking and playing Jenga and card games. I went to bed super drunk at 1:30, and at 3:55 I woke up, completely sober and awake. So I go to get a drink of water, and I was like, oh no, I'm so awake, why is this happening, I'll never be able to sleep, but I managed, and about a half hour later my mom called to tell me grandma had died at 4 am. And that's just weird, that it was exactly when I woke up. It's also weird/nice that grandma waited until almost everyone had seen her- my cousin Katie didn't go, because she made a choice not to visit her anymore a few years ago, and I don't think her sister did either, but my cousin Jeannie had just come home and saw her, and my two other cousins went up to see her, and all of my aunts, and we were up from Florida and my mom didn't just miss it, which is such a blessing and it's really nice that she can be here with her sisters when this is all going down.
So yeah. It's a hot mess up in here, and it turns out that my mascara is not as waterproof as I thought it was. Also, picking an appropriate icon for this felt almost disrespectful. So did wearing shorts today. IDK.
It's awful, because in a way it's good- she got in an accident five years ago, and has been in a home ever since and she was never the same afterwards, and the past few months she really kind of shut down and stopped talking and wasn't great about eating. I saw her for the first time in two years a couple days ago, and it was one of the worst things I've ever dealt with. She kind of smiled vaguely at us, and that was it. A few times she looked like she was happy to see us, kind of, but not because she recognized us or knew who we were, and my grandmother was such a feisty, strong woman that seeing her like that was terrible. And it's not like she had an quality of life going on, and it's really good that she's not suffering anymore, but it's so hard for my mother and her sisters, and all of my cousins. I was never very close to my grandmother, because we were very alike in temperament and therefore butted heads a lot of the time we were together, but she was the only grandparent I had left. And it's so weird to think about the fact that she was the only one left of her immediate family- all of her siblings are gone, and of course her parents are dead, and it's so weird thinking about the entire McKinney family all gone.
She fell ill a few days ago, so it was kind of expected, and yesterday my mom left the hospital for a few hours to see her best friend Laura. While we were driving back from seeing her, first my mom tells me and my sister that she asked Laura, who is a singer, to sing "Amazing Grace" at Grandma's funeral if she died- which I really didn't think she was going to, because she's been on death's door like literally seven times before and she hadn't died, and she had a constitution of a horse- and I was like OH MY GOD because Laura has the kind of voice that reaches down into your soul and plumbs the depths, and jesus, like a funeral wouldn't be bad enough but now we had to add Laura singing that, when my grandmother's name is Grace? Honestly now. So I cry a bit, and then I was okay- my mother is preternaturally calm, which is unlike her- and she says, cool as you please, you know the end of Big Fish? Which brings me to tears again, because at the end of Big Fish, the son runs with his dying father out of the hospital, and takes him to a river to release him into it, and all of his father's friends and family are on the banks of the stream, waving and happy, and it's so devastating to think about, because it's nice and a beautiful sentiment and of course I didn't want my grandmother to stay on earth because it kept the rest of us from being sad, but just thinking about my grandmother entering the stream is heartbreakingly nice. (I didn't make the BSG stream/shore connection until about two hours ago, which surprised me.)
The other weird thing is that yesterday my cousin got back from a week in New Hampshire, so I hadn't seen her yet so her and my sister and my other cousin and I were up late drinking and playing Jenga and card games. I went to bed super drunk at 1:30, and at 3:55 I woke up, completely sober and awake. So I go to get a drink of water, and I was like, oh no, I'm so awake, why is this happening, I'll never be able to sleep, but I managed, and about a half hour later my mom called to tell me grandma had died at 4 am. And that's just weird, that it was exactly when I woke up. It's also weird/nice that grandma waited until almost everyone had seen her- my cousin Katie didn't go, because she made a choice not to visit her anymore a few years ago, and I don't think her sister did either, but my cousin Jeannie had just come home and saw her, and my two other cousins went up to see her, and all of my aunts, and we were up from Florida and my mom didn't just miss it, which is such a blessing and it's really nice that she can be here with her sisters when this is all going down.
So yeah. It's a hot mess up in here, and it turns out that my mascara is not as waterproof as I thought it was. Also, picking an appropriate icon for this felt almost disrespectful. So did wearing shorts today. IDK.
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Date: 2011-07-18 07:14 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2011-07-18 07:47 pm (UTC)The time thing....something similar happened with me when my father passed away (I was in college at the time taking a final early exam so I could try to get home, and it was a written essay about life and death, believe it or not, and there was a moment while I was taking it that somehow...just made me stop and look at the clock. Found out when I got home much later that evening that that was about when he might have passed on. The universe is a strange place sometimes.)
*Hugs*
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Date: 2011-07-19 03:23 am (UTC)Oh, Tara, I'm so sorry about your father. It's strange the way the universe works out with things like that sometimes. *hugs*
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