(no subject)

[sunshine_queen]

Of course when I only have fifty minutes in a room with internet my computer needs to restart. So, to update:

- People continuously give me hope and then take it away about getting internet here.
- People keep offering me half-baked solutions, most of which I am uninclined to take.
- I am not entirely sure if I am sabotaging myself because I'm scared, if I actually don't want to be here, or both.
- Met with a super nice teacher who offered to let me come and use her phone to call home, take me to dinner, and gave me a thing of chocolates from a local chocolate shop. Everyone's being really nice but I still don't want to be here. I feel terrible like I'm wasting an opportunity constantly.

Comments

[lady-padme.livejournal.com]

Maddy, this is going to sound harsh, but I think what you need to do is to let go of the internet. Right now you're terribly homesick and the internet is a connection to home and what is familiar and it gives you comfort to think you can have that instant connection if you could just get wired.
BUT...you're in the City of Lights. You're young and free. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. Take as much time as you can to go outside and wander. It's such a beautiful city, with such rich history and architecture and art. Maybe not having internet is the best thing that could happen to you as it can force you to NOT be dependent on being connected. Maybe you need to find new connections, because that's the only way you're going to enjoy being there. I understand that this might sound preachy coming from someone twice your age, but I would love to have had that opportunity when I was your age. And I do remember being terribly homesick and depressed the first time I went away from home, not knowing anyone, not knowing the city, feeling lost and bored at times. But I think instead of finding new ways to connect your computer, you could spend time coming up with new ways to see the city. Set yourself a goal to see one new building or explore one new shop each day. Say hello to one new person at school each day. Try one new food each day. Each thing sounds little and trivial, but you could write about it, like a little personal blog, which would also give you something to do in your downtime. And in the moments you do get internet connection you could post those experiences. By the time you're on your way home, you could look back on all those little things and I guarantee you'll be amazed at what you've learned and seen.

Bon chance, ma cherie.

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

I understand what you're saying, LP- my mom sent me an email telling me to listen to you, and that she'd like to be your friend- but it's really hard to let go of the internet situation since it's my only way of reaching all of my friends and family. When I went away to school I was immediately given all kinds of new things to do and that was awesome, but I could also call my mother whenever I wanted to talk to her, or go online to reconnect with older friends not from school. I have to fight (or pay dearly) for every time I'm able to reach my loved ones, and it's excruciatingly difficult for someone who likes to share as much as I do. I've seen a lot of Paris since I've been here, but it's been really difficult not being able to share my experiences immediately, not being able to call my mother- who I talked to several times a day while living in the same state- whenever I want.

I am trying, though! I've made a lot of friends and I've done a lot here.

[lady-padme.livejournal.com]

I know you're trying. I give you props for having the courage to go to Paris in the first place. I just meant to give you the old adage about making lemonade from lemons but in a way that might make sense to your situation. ;) I'm glad to hear that you've made friends. And I totally understand needing your mom. I'm an old bag with two kids and I still need my mom and still talk to her every day. And speaking of moms...I'd love to friend your mom. Anyone who's a mom to such a terrific person must be pretty awesome, too :)

[vash26.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I imagine it's difficult being away from home in another country, especially with your internet issues. But I also feel confident that you'll be able to find your way. It sounds like you have nice supportive people around there.

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It is so difficult, but most people are really nice! I've been lucky in that respect.

[whatever-lj.livejournal.com]

You're not wasting any opportunity! You're there, aren't you!!!

And pretty soon it will be clear if this will work out for you or not.

I'm glad people are being kind to you!

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks! People are being really nice to me, for the most part! Only a few people have been nasty.

[meryl-edan.livejournal.com]

I spend a lot of time thinking about you lately and describing your posts to Kel, and I am going to go ahead and voice the unpopular opinion now: I think it would be just fine for you to go home, and not a wasted opportunity at all. If you visualize the next year as a slog through constant misery and loneliness, then it doesn't make sense to me to stay put. Yes, it's lovely that you are in Paris, but it's not like Paris is going anywhere and you wouldn't be able to return under more comfortable circumstances at a later date. Not everyone is suited for working abroad (especially without a real support system, which it seems you're lacking), and even if you are suited for it, it could be that this just isn't the right moment in your life to be trying it. I remember what it was like to live in Germany during college and I sure as shit couldn't have made it through all the logistics and culture shock and homesickness without the friend I had there with me plus a solid internet connection. I spent a very lonely winter break in Berlin after everyone I knew had gone home, and I had no internet access in the room I rented, and it was completely isolating and depressing and scary.

/rambling My point is that if you are very uncomfortable and you find it impossible to imagine things getting better, and especially if you are leaning on the xanax to get through the day, then going home is not a terrible idea at all.

[taragel.livejournal.com]

I WAS COMING HERE TO SAY EXACTLY THIS.

Ok not exactly, but generally this.

Only you know what's right for you.

You don't have to stay there if you don't want to.

<3 <3 <3

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks, Tara.

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

Ugh, this is the battle I go through every day, and it seems so much like you're the first person to actually get it. I just hate the idea of disappointing everyone, and of putting everyone (like... myself and my family) through all this trauma and nonsense and debt to get me here and then just giving up, even if it is for the best.

Hopefully when I get my phone with internet tomorrow it will at least a step in the right direction! I haven't actually cried once today, which is an absolute coup, but at the same time, I hate that that's what my life has come to.

[frolicndetour.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I have no advice to give you since you're already a lot braver than I can imagine being! Hope things improve whatever you decide.

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

*hugs* Thanks, Allie.

[lady-padme.livejournal.com]

Very interesting that everyone who has replied to you has posted with a BSG/BSG actor icon...

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

They're my peeps!

[xenaamber.livejournal.com]

Still sending a lot of good thoughts your way, my dear. I hope you can feel them!

You're lucky to have all these people sending you helpful comments -- some food for thought in a few of them.

I like lady_padme's idea about trying to let go of the internet a bit, in theory. I think there's a distinction between wanting to have internet so you can stay in touch with home and share your experiences (a good thing) and with using it as a way of hiding from your real life at the moment (a bad thing). Only you can say which category you fall into. But try not to let this one thing dominate your whole experience of the city.

I really like the idea of setting yourself one or more dorky challenges per day -- explore one new thing or try a new food or something. Try and learn a new French word and use it in conversation once a day, maybe.

As far as going home... yes, you could do this. But you would regret it ten years down the road, I promise you. I think you're tough enough to deal with it, and you've probably adjusted more than you realise to the culture shock already. France is something you've loved for as long as I've known you, and this is such a great opportunity that has the potential to change your life. Being away from home is not easy, but you have to will yourself into enjoying it -- lie to yourself if necessary for a while.

You can deal with it, and I have faith that one day soon you will wake up and start enjoying it a bit more. Just take it easy, go and explore something you've always wanted to see, and find something delicious to eat. But I really don't think going home is the solution. I'm thinking of that line in TSOM about not running away from your problems, but facing them. :-)

Lots more hugs your way!

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

I do feel like it's both- I feel like I might've clung to the internet as a security blanket if it had been an option, but it hasn't been, but I'm still really depressed about not being able to use it as a means of communication, and that is what kills me. Like, I wouldn't care if I could just skype and IM and email people, as long as I could do that. Foregoing LJ and tumblr and all that would be hard but I could live. I really miss talking to people especially my mother.

[xenaamber.livejournal.com]

Without meaning to be excessively blunt, I think that's something you will just have to find a way of dealing with. I miss my mum a ton as well, but it's unfortunately one of the consequences of choosing to go to another country. I know our world is supposed to be tiny now with all the technology, but it doesn't always work like it should. Don't take this the wrong way -- I absolutely get your loneliness and homesickness, I really do, and it's tough because there isn't a good answer to the problem. But you can't just wallow in it and feel sorry for yourself constantly, you know? You have to accept that being in France is not the same thing as being in Miami or Gainesville, and the loss of communication is (hopefully) worth it for everything else you are getting from your time here. In a lot of ways, it's good not to be able to communicate instantly, because it forces you to get more comfortable with your own thoughts for company. That's been a weird adjustment for me over the last few months too.

The little things like your roommates are probably wearing on your nerves as well, but don't sweat that. If finding another place to live will decrease the stress, then do it; but if it turns out to be more hassle than it's worth, I would stop second-guessing your decision. Every time something frustrates you and you want to go home, or every time you wish you could talk to your mom, try and think of some image of Paris that you always dreamed of, and remember that you are there living it, and ten years ago you would have been so jealous of yourself!

When do you actually start teaching? That might help you settle into more of a routine. I still remember how lonely I was during UVA orientation, and how much better it got when classes started.

[sunshine-queen.livejournal.com]

I know, everything you're saying makes total sense and I'm trying to deal with it, it's just hard. My mom and I are attached at the hip, so this has been crazy tough. I will say though, if someone said "you can go to another country but you can't regularly contact your mother," I absolutely would not have agreed to go.

I'm thinking I probably won't go with this place in Paris- it's almost an hour commute to work, and I did kind of enjoy the idea of not having to schedule trips or anything around a family, but I'm going to meet with the woman anyway.

I am supposed to start next week, but then we immediately have break! Kind of inconvenient.